Columns

2018.02.21 Suspect, both naked and hungry, top news

By RICH FOLEY 

My collection of interesting police reports has been growing lately, so it’s probably time to share a few of the odder ones. A new trend seems to be naked suspects.

A 48-year-old woman led police on a chase at speeds exceeding 100 mph on Interstate 75 last January. The 25-mile pursuit, through Saginaw and Genesee counties, ended when police forced her vehicle into a utility pole, then a ditch.

Officers reported they weren’t sure if the naked woman was on drugs or had a medical condition. Since she had a Georgia driver’s license, I guess she couldn’t claim she was hurrying home to get dressed. My question is: Where was she carrying the license?

In July, an Ann Arbor man was arrested after he was spotted chasing birds while naked at Petoskey State Park. He was nabbed after jumping into a parking lot “as if he were diving into water.” Police said he may have consumed LSD earlier in the day. They may be right.

Another woman, fully clothed this time, was ticketed in Northport, New York for unlawful possession of marijuana after parking in the police chief’s spot. She cut off an unmarked police car while talking on her cellphone, then parked her car and lit up. The chief later said, “It was like Cheech and Chong, all the smoke coming out of the car.”

You may be wondering why she was in the neighborhood in the first place. It turns out she was making a court appearance for a previous possession summons. It just wasn’t her day.

In Hicksville, New York, a hungry burglar helped himself to a meal after emptying a restaurant’s cash register. He actually put on a pair of food service gloves before cooking himself chicken, shrimp and beans. After finishing his meal, he refrigerated the leftovers and cleaned up after himself.

Not only did he leave everything like he found it (except for the cash), he even left a dollar in the tip jar. That’s one classy crook.

At a Maryland McDonald’s, a woman tried to reach into the drive-thru window after hours to get a soft drink. Unable to do so from outside, she squeezed through the window and served herself the usual way. 

Then she exited through the window, with both the soft drink and a box of items that couldn’t be identified from the security footage. Since the restaurant was closed, she probably didn’t have fries with that.

A former KFC worker named Cleveland Willis was arrested in Baton Rouge after robbing his old workplace of $612. A worker recognized his voice and asked, “Cleveland, is that you?” Willis replied, “No, it’s not me.”

He then made his escape in the same Nissan Altima that he drove to work while an employee. Despite wearing a ski mask, he was quickly caught.

A program to help stop car break-ins in Detroit just might backfire. Several groups, including Detroit police, have teamed up to warn fans attending sports events in the city not to leave valuable items in their vehicles where others can see them. The program, which started last August during Detroit Tiger games, involves placing notices on vehicles with visible valuables, listing those valuables and their estimated replacement costs if they were stolen.

 Isn’t that making things even easier for thieves? Now, instead of having to examine every car for theft potential, they only have to study the posted notices to decide which cars are worth their time. I can’t believe someone else didn’t think of that before the program started.

Finally, over in Williams County, police may be starting to get tired of people who apparently don’t think before calling them. Last January, a man called to report that someone scratched his car. A responding officer found that the damage was actually cause by low-hanging tree branches.

In April, someone reported “a dog was stuck in the marsh.” Responding officers found not a dog, but a tree stump. The stump was stuck, though. In December, an emergency alert from a senior center received a quick response. Police discovered a cat had jumped on the call button. No word on whether it was charged for a false report.

Later in December, a caller reported a man in jeans and a sweatshirt was out in the cold and looked like he needed help. Deputies went to the scene and found that the man wasn’t in trouble, he was just cutting wood. I guess he really could have used some help. But don’t the police already have enough to do?