Columns

World's dumbest crook wants to 'set up Jesus' 2015.06.10

By RICH FOLEY

It seems like it’s getting harder to be a crook these days. For instance, there’s the case of two Adrian men who went to court earlier this year charged, among other crimes, with breaking into eight storage units at an Adrian mini-warehouse last December.

They admitted in court that they were looking for items to sell for drug money and that they used bolt cutters on the locks in order to get into the units, but denied stealing. The judge in the case asked the two if they were scared away before they had a chance to take anything, but there was a sadder reason for leaving empty-handed. In their opinion, nothing in the units was worth stealing.

“It was junk,” one defendant told the judge, adding that “We just cut the locks and looked in. We didn’t take nothing.” Think about how embarrassing this must have been for the storage unit renters, that possessions you’re paying money to store aren’t even worth a thief’s time to steal. The would-be thieves pled guilty on one count each of breaking and entering and attempted breaking and entering.

They did admit to being more successful in a couple of other robberies. They took some tools in a different storage warehouse break-in, and got a fairly good haul by breaking into a friend’s house. I wonder, however, if the victim still considers the thieves to be friends.

In that robbery, the two admitted to getting away with a television set, a video game system, an iPad and a handgun, but denied taking cash and coins that the friend reported stolen. Yes, I think this friendship is very likely in jeopardy.

And then there’s the case of the Florida couple who were arrested recently for selling what they called “golden tickets to heaven.” Actually that wasn’t really the problem, said the police.

According to a Jacksonville police spokesman, it isn’t illegal to sell tickets to Heaven. That statement took me by surprise. I would have thought there would be some statute to protect the gullible, but apparently not. Where Tito and Amanda Watts screwed up was in how they described the tickets.

Tito was charged with telling buyers that the tickets were solid gold. “The Watts misrepresented their product,” said the spokesman, adding “The tickets were just wood sprayed gold with ‘Ticket to Heaven’  written in marker. You can’t sell something as gold when it’s not. That’s where the Watts crossed the line into doing something illegal.” 

The incident gets funnier and weirder when Tito Watts made his police statement. In addition to denying he made the tickets, he had an interesting explanation as to how he obtained them.

“It was Jesus who gave them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine. You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want.” You knew this story would involve drugs at some point, didn’t you?

Still claiming the tickets are really solid gold, Tito says, “Try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up.…”

In her statement, Amanda Watts said “We just wanted to leave Earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. I just watched.”

Are you done laughing yet? To believe his statement we need to accept that Jesus hangs out at the KFC, or at least behind it, handing out tickets to heaven for resale. By the way, police say the couple were selling the tickets for $99.99 each. When arrested, the officers confiscated over $10,000 in cash, drug paraphernalia and a baby alligator. An alligator? Now I’m starting to get an idea where the “Stevie the alien” story came from.

I got a kick out of Tito’s warning to the police about sending an innocent man to jail. If I were him, I’d be more concerned about what might happen to someone who offers to set up the Son of God. That’s taking quite a chance. Some crooks are just asking for trouble that’s out of this world.