Columns

2017.07.26 Old: Doggy diaper

How can a person get a column written when there are guests from New Jersey in the house. It isn’t possible, so let’s turn back 20 years ago to the events of that time in our lives.

By DAVID GREEN

The Monster Raving Loony Party (MRLP) played its usual role in British elections this spring. About 50 candidates pushed platform planks such as towing Britain 500 miles to the Mediterranean Sea in order to improve on the sometimes miserable weather.

The MRLP did better than other competitors such as the Blackhaired, Medium-Build Caucasian Party, probably because of its interesting ideas. One that caught my attention was a proposal that would require dogs to eat phosphorescent food so pedestrians could more easily avoid stepping in the doggie doo.

That could create some very beautiful night-time scenes. An eerie fairly land with glowing gobs of…you get the picture.

Reading about the Raving Loonies brought to mind a site on the Internet that my brother Dan sent me to with a simple instruction: Go there if you dare. I dared.

Yes, I tuned in to the Doggy Diaper Home Page (www.dog-diaper.com) and learned about the revolutionary dog diaper that will permanently transform dog care everywhere.

I don’t know about that. If doggy diapers truly transform dog care, I’ll move into a dog house

Here’s some background to the severity of the problem. An estimate of the 1995 dog population in America set the canine number at 74,000,000. According to the diaper people, an adult dog defecates three to four times a day and urinates 10 to 12 times a day. For puppies, the numbers increase significantly.

In Paris, an estimated 250,000 dogs produce 25 tons of waste every day. That’s 0.2 pounds per dog daily. That seems a little on the light side to me, but keep in mind all those dainty little French poodles. A small amount goes in; a small amount comes out.

Paris has a fleet of 70 motor scooters called cainettes that travel around the city vacuuming dog stuff from the sidewalks at a cost of $8.4 million a year. The vacuum squad manages to collect only about half of what’s dropped. Much of the remainder ends up on the bottom of Parisian shoes.

According to my possibly-twisted sources, about 650 Parisian pedestrians are hospitalized every year from slipping on dog doo. And now doctors are warning about the growing danger of parasitic infestations if Parisians don’t change their habits.

Socially-conscious dog owners can buy “Oops” plastic tongs for $14.50 or reusable pocket “Pooper Scoopers” for $3.50. That last one sounds enticing: Scoop it up, dump it, and put it back in your pocket.

But let’s stop sniffing around the bush. The real solution to this problem is the Dog Diaper. If you didn’t take my advice a while ago about becoming a worm farmer, then pay attention this time. Get in on the ground floor of this product that’s about to burst onto the pet scene.

Investors, take note: “The dog diaper has the potential of becoming a staple on the weekly shopping list of dog owners, who would find it a natural extension of their parenting attitude towards their pets.”

There are two models: a one-pouch style for solid waste and a two-pouch style for solid and liquid (liquid adapted for male or female.) Five sizes would cover the entire dog population.

There are also two variations: first, a totally disposable diaper, and second, a reusable coat-like garment with attachable disposable pouches.

The Dog Diaper people estimate U.S. sales at 800 million diapers if only one percent of the dog population were covered. My calculations suggest 2.6 million, but let’s not quibble over a few hundred million diapers.

Don’t delay, call today—unless you’re still undecided. In that case, send for the video. It’s got to be great family entertainment. It shows actual live coverage of a dog using his diaper.

Wait until the Monster Raving Loonies hear about this.