2011.09.08 Never too early to buy a unique Christmas gift

By RICH FOLEY 

Too early? Actually, IT’S ONLY THREE MONTHS AWAY!!!! Wait a minute, I already did most of this year’s shopping during the after-Christmas sales in January. I just have to keep from losing track of where I put my purchases between now and December, as well as make sure that gift I bought post-Christmas 2009 doesn’t get forgotten two years running. For any other odd gifting needs, there’s always the Heartland America catalog.

They’re not kidding about the name, either. The company is based in Chaska, Minnesota, with mail processing done in Rapid City, South Dakota. It doesn’t get much more heartland than that. I wonder if Norman Rockwell works in the mailroom? I bought a lamp from them five or six years ago, and the catalogs have come every four or five weeks ever since.

Most of the items are manufacturers final closeouts, so there’s lots of shoes, leather jackets, watches, even the original Ronco Veg-O-Matic. But the odd items are the fun ones, like the Fuel Doctor Platinum, which claims to improve your mileage by 20 percent just by plugging it into the vehicle’s lighter socket. They’ve been running this one for quite a while, so I guess the oil companies don’t consider it a threat.

A bigger menace to us all might be the Zap Cane, “an ingenious combination of a walking stick and a super-powerful stun gun.” In case of trouble, just touch the mugger, loose dog or rude skateboarder with the tip, push the button and one million volts gives them something else to think about. Not available to Michigan residents, luckily. And read the disclaimer about consulting federal, state and local laws before ordering.

Have a concealed weapons permit? Then you might like a fancy concealed weapons permit gold badge with holder, as if you were a real officer. Once again, read the disclaimer: The badge itself is not official. No kidding.

But on to happier items. How about all 43 episodes of the television series “Greatest American Hero” on DVD, just $17.99? Yes, I think I’ll pass, too. Harder to resist might be the complete 103 episode run of “21 Jump Street,” featuring little Johnny Depp, only $24.99.

Like your heroes slightly older? How about 94 episodes of Michael Chiklis as “The Commish,” $24.99? Or a whopping 152 episodes of “Hunter,” starring former NFL star Fred Dryer, only $35.99? It will keep you busy for days!

Then there’s the musical instruments. Items available include guitars, flutes, clarinets and even a mandolin. Not just any mandolin, either, but one “that YouTube celebrity Warren G. called the ‘best darn mandolin I’ve ever played!’...if you’ve followed Warren G. on YouTube, you know that he knows a thing or two about mandolins.”

I’ll happily confess that I spend almost no time on YouTube and doubt they were referring to West Coast rapper Warren G, although the thought of a rapper playing mandolin gave me a chuckle. I went to YouTube and after filtering out postings about the rapper, was left with seven entries concerning the mandolin-playing Warren G.

The most popular of the seven had, as of last week, been viewed a total of 858 times. That’s enough to call him a celebrity? I guess I’m not the only one not following him. Luckily, another “celebrity” endorsement helped Heartland move some harmonicas.

Ever since I started receiving the catalog, they’ve advertised a “Soul Man” set of seven harmonicas. A few months ago, the listing had the addition of a customer endorsement box, which includes a short customer comment about the product, along with their initials and hometown. “BD” of Hibbing, Minnesota, called the harmonicas “the best.”

I started laughing out loud as soon as I saw it. They want us to think that Bob Dylan bought harmonicas from them, seven for $29.99, and then sent in a fan letter? I suppose I shouldn’t be so cynical. The endorsement ran in two catalogs, then the entire listing disappeared. 

I can think of only two possible explanations. Either Bob’s lawyers forced them to quit using his “endorsement,” or worried that they might run out of stock, Bob bought the remaining inventory before Bruce Springsteen or Neil Young got their hands on them. Maybe Bob will send them a set for Christmas.

  • Front.web
    NICE WORK—A spider remains at the center of a web, awaiting visitors, during a moist morning last month. The was built in front of Eagle Funeral Home in Morenci.
  • Front.bridge Cross
    STEP BY STEP—Wyatt Stevens of Morenci makes his way across a rope bridge Sunday during the Michigan DNR’s Great Outdoors Jamboree at Lake Hudson Recreation Area. The Tecumseh Boy Scout Troop constructed the bridge again this year after taking a break in 2016. The Jamboree offered a variety of activities for a wide range of age groups. Morenci’s Stair District Library set up activities again this year and had visits with dozens of kids. See the back page for additional photos.
  • Front.bridge.17
    LEADING THE WAY—The Morenci Area High School marching band led the way across the pedestrian bridge on Morenci’s south side for the annual Labor Day Bridge Walk. The Band Boosters shared profits from the sale of T-shirts with the walk’s sponsor, the Morenci Area Chamber of Commerce. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.eclipse
    LOOKING UP—More than 200 people showed up at Stair District Library Monday afternoon to view the big celestial event with free glasses provided by a grant from the Space Science Institute. The library offered craft activities from noon to 1 p.m., refreshments including Cosmic Cake from Zingerman’s Bakehouse and a live viewing of the eclipse from NASA on a large screen. As the sky darkened slightly, more and more people moved outside to the sidewalk to take a look at the shrinking sun. If you missed it, hang on for the next total eclipse in 2024 as the path comes even closer to this area.
  • Cecil
    THE MAYOR—Cecil Schoonover poses with a collection of garden gnomes that mysteriously arrive and disappear from his property. Along with the gnomes, someone created the sign stating that he is the Mayor of Gnomesville. He hasn’t yet tracked down the people involved in the prank, but he’s having a good time with the mystery.
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.