Columns

2003.12.31 All the news that fits, we'll print

on . Posted in Nowhere Road

BY RICH FOLEY

Lots of interesting news failed to make it to these pages this year. Let’s look at some of the best before we call an end to 2003...

The demise of the Concorde passenger jet was sad news, but the rich and famous enjoyed the last flight, then looted the plane, according to wire service reports.

Passengers aboard the final British Airways flight, from New York to London, include supermodel Christie Brinkley, actress Joan Collins and television personality David Frost. Cuisine included caviar, lobster, smoked salmon and lobster cakes which Frost, who is believed to have been the plane’s most frequent flier, declared to be “outstanding.”

An array of souvenirs were distributed to passengers on the final flight, but that apparently wasn’t enough. Reports described a “frenzy of looting as people stuffed their bags with monogrammed cashmere in-flight blankets and silverware.” Other passengers allegedly stripped the aircraft of armrests and even one of the toilet seats. No word on whether Frost tried to make off with the leftover lobster cakes.

A happier landing was had by a San Francisco chicken, which went for an unscheduled flight when a prankster attached the hapless bird to 100 helium balloons and set her aloft. Police sharpshooters gradually popped balloons with a pellet gun, eventually dropping the hen down to waiting rescuers. The director of the animal shelter the bird was taken to reported several hundred animal lovers volunteered to adopt the chicken.

Animal lovers in south Florida with money to burn are making possible the proliferation of at least ten doggie “day camps,” according to The Week. For $750 a month, doggie campers “socialize on playgrounds, play games with human counselors, and eat gourmet food.” At a additional cost, some camps offer transportation in an air-conditioned bus, with your pet strapped into a seat belt, riding side-by-side with other canine campers.

And, if you still have money left over, how about buying the dog a life-size NBA player made of Legos? Available for only $40,000 each, professional Lego artists will replicate the basketball star of your choice in plastic blocks and dress it in an authentic uniform. From a distance, they look pretty good, but up close, the plastic blocks give a strange look to the athlete’s complexion.

Then there are the scientists with not enough to do. A study at Georgetown University has determined that some caterpillars are especially adept at waste removal. The skipper caterpillar has the ability to “ballistically eject Grape-Nut sized pellets of excrement, called frass, over long distances.” Studies have shown that the older the caterpillar, the farther it can toss the frass.

One caterpillar was observed to fling a pellet 60 inches, which Georgetown evolutionary fecologist Martha Weiss says is “the equivalent of a 76-yard field goal in football.” Detroit Lions please note.

Tasteless ad of the year honors should go to a Holland, Mich., Ford dealership which ran a “Johnny Cash Memorial Sale” the week after the singer’s passing, advertising “In tribute to Johnny Cash, all black vehicles on sale.” Each featured vehicle’s description mentioned a Cash song title, such as the 2000 Ford Focus, which was called “a perfect car if you are A Boy Named Sue.”

The survivors of a New Mexico man are suing a Catholic priest who told mourners at his funeral that the deceased was going to hell. Ben Martinez’s family says he didn’t attend Mass regularly the last year of his life (he suffered from emphysema) and Rev. Scott Mansfield was upset about it.

Mansfield told mourners that Martinez was “lukewarm in his faith” and “the Lord vomited people like Ben out of his mouth to Hell.” That’s kind of a scary picture, the more I think about it. I can’t really blame them for suing.

Let’s try and end this on a happy note. We may not be millionaires, but now we can drink like one. Donald Trump’s  “Trump Ice” bottled water is now ready for retail purchase. Once available only at Trump’s casinos, the water, featuring a likeness of The Donald on the label, comes from a spring in Laurel Run, Penn.

Finally, something suitable to drink with those McDonald’s hamburgers Trump was advertising last year. What a shame that it’s too late to serve it on the Concorde. I’m sure the high-flying looters would have loved it.

     – Dec. 31. 2003

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