Columns

2007.02.28 Anybody want to buy a Chrysler? How about all of Chrysler?

on . Posted in Nowhere Road

By RICH FOLEY

In between the latest news of Britney Spears and the Anna Nicole Smith tragedy, there’s also the ongoing saga of the Chrysler division of DaimlerChrysler. It seems every automaker except Tucker and Studebaker has been mentioned as a possible new partner for Chrysler as its German parent searches for a new owner for the struggling automaker.

Although the whole company might be bought for one of those “take over payments” offers you sometimes see from someone wanting to bail out of a bad car purchase, most people are in the market for only one vehicle, not a few hundred thousand and their accompanying debt. For those fitting that description, I’ve collected another batch of vehicle ads to help you do your own small part in reviving the economy. And there’s no extra charge for the chuckles.

Thinking about a nice truck? How about this one? “2000 Ford F250 Crew Cab. Work truck special. Carry pipes and ladders for work or for fun.”

Or maybe this “1999 Ford F350 Crew Cab. Smidge over 100,000 mi., your payment a smidge over what you can afford.”

Not a Ford fan? Try this “2000 GMC 2500 Sierra. Strong enough for camper road trips, beautiful enough to arrive at the opera in style. Do you need it? We don’t. It’s yours for $17,500.”

Want to risk arrest by playing amateur policeman on weekends? Then you need this “1995 Chevrolet Caprice, actual police cruiser...still has cage in rear, $4675.” I think this one has “bad idea” written all over it.

Maybe you would be better off just driving somewhere to relax with your friends. In that case, you need this “2002 Ford Ranger Ext. Cab. Looks great, room for at least four lawn chairs in back.”

Need more cargo room? Try this “2002 Dodge Ram 3500. Enough storage to carry all of your belongings and perhaps even some of your neighbors.” Or this “2003 Ford F350 Crew Cab XLT. Ready to go anywhere you can find a parking spot big enough (usually about 1/2 mile away from the entrance).” Or this “1997 Ford F250 Supercab. Power Stroke Diesel, it has the capacity to change your outlook on life.”

Speaking of room, the seller of this car has to be kidding: “1995 Lincoln Town Car. 76,115 miles...selling because I need more passenger room.” If a Town Car isn’t big enough, may I suggest a school bus?

A truck with a plow blade might be a good thing to have and this seller really intends for you to take the plow: “2005 Ford F350 4 x 4 Power Stroke Diesel. The plow comes with it no matter what. Even if you ask us to take it off, when you get home it will be in your driveway.”

I’m still trying to figure out this ad: “2002 Buick LeSabre 4  dr. 70,400 miles. Feather decal on rear bumpers,  $8,300.” Feather decal?

Some sellers are just trying to be funny, like these examples: “2001 Lincoln Continental. Full power, even if you can’t afford gas, this one is fun to sit in.”

“2002 Ford F250 Supercab 4 x 4. If you want a Power Stroke with payments that don’t make you want to curl up in a little ball in the corner of your basement, this truck is for you.”

“1992 Ford F150 XLT. The first $1800 pushes this one onto a flatbed (just kidding, it runs).”

Then there are those that are a bit hard to believe, such as this “1994 Chevy Silverado. The miles may scare you, but the price will ease your soul.” Or “1994 Chevy 3/4 ton 4 x 4. This truck is ready for any occasion, with the exception of flight or space travel.” Or finally, “1993 GMC Vandura. Great workhorse, will pull a house down!”

On the flip side are the ads that try to be as truthful as possible, such as “2006 Ford Taurus 4 dr. Loaded, won’t tow the fifth wheel, but will tow grandma.” Or “1998 Jeep Wrangler. No money wasted on styling, shaped like giant refrigerator box.”  Or “1968 Chevrolet Impala SS. 396, 4 speed, looks good from five feet or more.” And finally, “1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS. 454, bucket seats...Expensive!”

Don’t see anything here you like? Then maybe you should consider buying the  whole Chrysler company. But here’s a little advice: They seem to be a bit desperate, so ask them to throw in a Mercedes or two.

    – Feb. 28. 2007 

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