Columns

2010.12.15 It’s not Christmas without a stupid gift or two

on . Posted in Nowhere Road

By RICH FOLEY

I can’t believe they’re still offering the Chia Obama as a possible Christmas gift. I thought that bad idea would have disappeared with 2009’s after-Christmas sales, but it’s back. And now, it’s accompanied by the Chia Lincoln and Chia Washington.

It’s one thing to insult the current president, but to defile the memory of two of our most beloved chief executives by turning their heads into sprout factories? Besides, if you truly want to honor the current president, there’s a much more dignified choice.

The Danbury Mint is offering a Barack Obama porcelain collector doll. It’s 16 and a half inches tall and supposedly “bears a stunning resemblance...while accentuating his confident bearing and calm demeanor.” Just $158, it comes with a “hand-numbered bottom stamp,” apparently stamped on his...OK, forget I said it was dignified.

And don’t forget to buy a present or two for your pet, if you must. But please skip the Tire Biter chew toy. Start encouraging your dog to chew on tires and you’ll walk outside some morning and find a flat Firestone or two on your car, courtesy of Fido’s teeth.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to weird gifts. A couple of weeks ago, I thought I saw an ad for a website called Stupid.com with odd gifts, but never saw it repeated. Not sure if it was just a dream, I looked for the site and found it was real, tasteless, and hilarious.

After all, who wouldn’t like, say, a Barf Bags of the World Poster? Or, maybe, a Vibrating Head Massager? Or how about a pair of Freudian Slippers, guaranteed to make your feet look like Sigmund Freud, sort of. Then there’s the Pooping Santa Claus. Even the Stupid.com people are somewhat conflicted about this item.

“Sometimes the guy who says ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ has to ‘Go, Go, Go,’” starts the description. “We can’t claim this is the most tasteful thing we sell. In fact, it might be one of the lowest. Frankly, we’re ashamed of ourselves...but we’re offering it anyway.”

Another candidate for low taste might be the Toilet Mug, a 12 ounce ceramic mug that resembles...well, a toilet obviously. Or how about an Electronic Yodeling Pickle? A Wind-up Walking Light Bulb? Talking Toilet Paper Dispenser? I’ve got it, the Musical Washboard Tie!

Much higher in respectability would be the Jesus Saves Bank. The description offers this bonus: “Though it’s only made from hard rubber, your money is safe here. What thief would dare steal a bank shaped like a praying Jesus? More likely, he’ll drop in a few coins of his own, beg forgiveness, and be on his way.”

One Jesus bank buyer offered this review: “Gave it to my 60 year old brother. For the rest of the evening, he would glance at it and say, ‘That is just wrong.’ It was perfect!”

Need two different Jesus gifts? There’s also a Jesus Shaves Coffee Mug. Different religion? Then how about a Chewish Dog Toy for Jewish Dogs?

The site has a wide variety of political gag gifts, starting with the Obama’s Last Day Countdown Clock. I used to see similar items for sale with George W. Bush as the inspiration. Now, it’s Obama’s turn.

There’s also Nancy Pelosi Toilet Paper, a Hillary Clinton Nutcracker, Bill Clinton Corkscrew and in the clearance section, a John McCain Mask. Other than her own toilet paper, there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of Sarah Palin items, which gives me an idea.

How about a Sarah Palin Mrs. Potato Head? I can’t believe the folks at Potato Head World Headquarters haven’t already thought of this. They could even give you choices of wardrobe. I wonder how much they’ll pay me for the idea?

And don’t take it personally if you own any of these items. Last year, I made fun of the Snuggie, only to find out later that one of my friends actually owned one. That won’t be the case with the Sarah Palin Mrs. Potato Head, at least not yet.

And the Stupid.com site already has the perfect accessory for when the Palin Potato Head hits the market: Nacho Cheese Flavor Lip Balm. Potatoes and cheese, with the addition of a few sprouts from your Chia Obama. That would be the ideal combination for everyone on your Christmas list. Next year’s list, that is. For now, I’ll take that yodeling pickle.

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