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2007.12.19 Another year crawls by at Nowhere Road 2007.12.19

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By RICH FOLEY

It seems a bit early to be looking back at 2007, but since this is my last column for the year, it’s now or never as far as reminiscing goes. Thinking back on some of the events of the year, “never” might end up being the better option.

Here at Nowhere Road, we started the year with a list of the “Ten Celebrities You’ll Meet In Hell.” I don’t think I’ll do this one again anytime soon, but if I did, chances are Paris Hilton would repeat as the top “celebrity” on the list.

Speaking of celebrities, some local residents had their brush with fame earlier this year when legendary singer Aretha Franklin stopped in Wauseon to join the shoppers at Wal-Mart. Apparently, even stars can’t resist the lure of cheap Chinese imports.

In April, I wrote of my adoption of Monty, the stuffed Snuggle Bear. He was joined later in the year by Lucky Snuggle, who was rescued from a church sale, bringing the current Fayette Snuggle population to seven.

Several of you have asked for an update on the buried Plymouth, unearthed in Tulsa in June after 50 years in a concrete vault. Unfortunately, when the top of the vault was removed,  several feet of water was covering most of the car, spoiling the idea that the winner of the contest would simply drive the still-pristine 1957 Belvedere off into the sunset.

Needless to say, the water had caused major damage to the vehicle. Two sisters, ages 93 and 88, became owners of the car because their late brother most closely predicted Tulsa’s 2007 population when the car was buried 50 years ago. Hopefully, they already had alternate transportation.

The car was recently shipped to New Jersey, where a company will attempt to clean and apply a rust remover to the decaying hulk. The man doing the work said, “If nothing is done, this car will be dust in two years.”

Back in July, I wrote about the Cheesy Onion Dip Pringles I purchased which contained Tilapia and Nile Perch as two of the ingredients. I had called Procter & Gamble to ask what fish were doing in the product and hadn’t yet received an answer.

Finally, sixteen days after my inquiry, “Lisa” from P & G returned my call, informing me that “fish is a binder used in the flavoring.” It actually took them 16 days to come up with an eight-word answer. What’s more, they hid their name on my caller ID.  I guess all the mystery is to keep Frito-Lay from learning their fish secret and introducing Cheesy Onion Dip Doritos.                                                                    

During August, I suggested moving the apparently unwanted Sterlena to Fayette. But the 14-foot fiberglass cow will be staying in Wauseon as new owners plan to reopen the old Sterling Milk plant. I wonder if the giant chicken on U.S. 127 is available?

September found me and Postmaster Rick Davis wondering how the Postal Service would deliver the sandwich and side orders they promised me in a mailing. After many weeks of waiting, they sent me a brochure with a picture of the sandwich inside. No real sandwich, just a color photo of one.

On the back of the brochure was another photo, this time of a plate with a few crumbs. Underneath were the words “How was it, Rich?” Do they really want to know what I think?

In October, I discussed the line of scented tires introduced by the Kumho company. I still don’t quite see the need for this, although it might be a nice change for those working in tire shops. How long before Martha Stewart gets into the scented tire business?

Last month, I told of my internet inheritance of $2.8 million from James “Scotty” Doohan of “Star Trek” fame. I still haven’t seen the promised cyber cash, and no, I’m not holding my breath.

Then there was my bout with bursitis, which, while I’m doing much better, is still making its presence known. I’m getting especially good at predicting changes in the weather based on pains in my neck, shoulder or arm. It continues to bother me somewhat when I type, which I’m sure many feel is only appropriate.

That’s about all I have for this year. Enjoy the holidays, and I’ll see you back here in 2008. I promise to try to do a better job. I’m not kidding, I really mean it. Just don’t count on it.

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