By DAVID GREEN
The YouTube video opens with someone's knee slathered with an orange paste. I have the option of watching in Hindi, but I'm having enough of a problem understanding it in English.
"Hello, I am…." Could you repeat that, please?
I turn on closed captioning and learn that it's Sachin Goyal who is telling me that his home remedies may help me get rid of knee pain soon.
I began having some knee pain from a lawn mowing incident last month. I turned just the right way and there it was in my left knee. It's actually nothing new. It comes and goes, but it never goes very far.
I attribute it to a football injury. I still remember wracking it up pretty good one day and getting x-rays taken at Morenci Area Hospital. My father drove me there and while passing Wakefield Park, Bob Dylan's "Positively Fourth Street" came on the radio. My father thought that was one of more ridiculous songs he had heard. Funny how random thoughts get stuck in the brain—forever, apparently.
It could be the football injury, it could be the abuse I've given my knees over the years from continually kneeling down at the edge of cold football fields with a camera and in numerous gymnasiums and ball diamonds. Perhaps someone would like to suggest that I am simply getting old and in need of surgery.
That prognosis leads me to Google for an entertaining search for home remedies. Sachin Goyal has three.
Remedy #1: Make a solution of turmeric powder, lime powder, sugar and water. Mix it to form a paste, apply to knee and leave on overnight. Sachin should offer a footnote: Be prepared to sleep alone on an old sheet because your wife isn't going to allow this brightly-colored goop in bed.
The comments following Sachin's video show that great confusion exists about lime powder. "Can I use lemons?" "Where do I buy lime powder?"
It's not a citrus product. Calcium hydroxide is available at a hardware store. Maybe I have some in the basement from past wall-cleaning efforts.
Sachal says this mixture "Cures knee pain completely within a few days."
Remedy #2: Save a trip to the hardware store and instead use some other ingredients common to most households—in India, perhaps. Mix dried ginger powder with mustard oil. Apply to knee for a few hours. "It cures knee pain very soon."
Remedy #3: Eat a few almonds along with five or six black peppercorns and 10 big raisins. Then drink some milk. Repeat this daily and knee pain will be gone in a few days.
I click another video from the many shown off to the side and come face-to-face with someone who appears to be in his underwear.
"Hey, y'all, this is Brett and I have some knee pain."
Brett explains that it's a muscular problem. He's making fun of physical therapists and chiropractors. He oils his calf and really goes at it with what looks like a small rolling pin.
Part way through he says, "I'm not shy. I'm doing this in my underwear, so those of you who can't handle that should cut the video now." I can handle it, but I skip ahead to hear his conclusion. A little banner appears inviting me to another of his productions: Watch my "how to do an enema" video. I don't suppose he's shy in that one, either, so I move on to Bill Parravano, the "Knee Pain Guru" who doesn't speak Hindi.
Bill acknowledges those many videos that talk about tendons and muscles, but rolling them out can be painful, he says, very painful. Instead, he offers the "WD-40 Stretch" in which the lower leg is twisted outward for 30 seconds to relieve pressure on the knee.
After twisting, he instructs me to get up and walk around to see if there are changes. Yes, it hurts.
I spot another of the Guru's videos and check that one out. This time Bill suggests twisting for a minute. What the heck. I give it a try, then stand up and walk around. No pain that time. I try to remember if it hurt before Bill's twist. The pain will return as it always does.
I really like the way Sachin rolls out the word "turmeric." I know that before the summer ends, I'll be going to sleep somewhere with an orange knee, and, if nothing more, I will wake up in another bed laughing.