2007.01.04 Goodbye '06
By DAVID GREEN
I’ve been not working pretty hard this long weekend. I’ve covered a basketball game, I’ve written a few stories, I’ve worried about returning to work and creating a newspaper, but I’ve also messed around more than I would in a typical weekend.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you this year-end quiz, along with all the answers. In 2007, I resolve to do this no more than once a month.
• Watch it broil
Q: Thieves are stealing oven doors, repackaging them in Wal-Mart boxes and selling them on the street—with power cord and remote—as what? A: Flat screen TVs.
• What’s with Merle?
Q: Who sang this song in 2006?
“Let’s get out of Iraq, and get back on the track.”
A: Merle Haggard, who rhymes Iraq with track. I read his song like Iraq and trock.
• Spry seniors
Q: How many pounds does former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, 69, claim to lift with a leg press? How about 76-year-old evangelist Pat Robertson? A: 400 pounds. 2,000 pounds.
• Of course, it’s Willy
Q: Louisiana police found a pound and a half of marijuana on Willie Nelson’s tour bus, but that wasn’t all they found. What else?
A: Three ounces of psychedelic mushrooms.
• They’re taking over
Q: The average American home has how many humans and how many TVs? A: 2.55 humans, 2.73 TVs.
• New menus coming
Q: The world is on schedule to run out of seafood due to pollution and overfishing by what year? A: 2048.
• $2 extra for general
Q: Want to join the Iraqi army? How much will a full commando outfit set you back on the streets of Baghdad?
A: The equivalent of $24.
• Such realism
Q: Students from a Ft. Lauderdale high school criminology class found the usual plastic skeletons, etc., in a fake crime scene created in a park. What else did they stumble across?
A: The dead body of a homeless man.
• Not quite the real thing
Q: What is a Flat Daddy?
A: Cardboard cutout photos of soldiers serving in Iraq, distributed to family members through the Maine National Guard.
• Naughty ballot
Q: What was the typo in the Ottawa (Mich.) County ballot that led to reprinting at a cost of $40,000?
A: In a proposed state constitution amendment, the word “pubic” was used instead of “public.”
• Coming full circle
Q: How did talk show voice Bill O’Reilly propose to succeed in Iraq?
A: Shoot anyone on sight after dark. “That’s how I’d run that country. Just like Saddam ran it.”
• Who’s he?
Q: Which album did Rolling Stone magazine pick as the best of 2006? A: Bob Dylan’s “Modern Times.”
•The best, the worst
Q: What did the magazine choose as the best and worst movies of the year? A: “The Departed” and “Bobby.”
• When does the party begin?
Q: . How much money was set aside in the 2006 defense bill for a day-long celebration of success in Iraq and Afghanistan?
A: $20 million.
• Outsource my life
Q: Approximately how many American and Briton citizens now work in the information technology industry in India? A: 30,000.
• Yeah, but he’s Ivy League
Q: How many minutes did it take a Princeton researcher to hack into a Diebold voting machine? A: One minute.
• Can’t fence me out
Q: What’s the estimated number of “illegal immigrants” living in the U.S. who have simply overstayed a legal visa? A: 45 percent.
• Excuses, excuses
Q: What do these bad boys all have in common – Mel Gibson, Rep. Mark Foley, Brandon Davis, Ohio’s own Rep. Bob Ney and Danny DeVito?
A: They all blamed booze for clouding their good sense and allowing them to partake in embarrassing behavior.
I think I know what they’re saying. I went through too much quality chocolate last weekend and started acting a little foolish myself.- Jan. 4, 2007
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