2007.05.23 If the potato salad is moving, shoot it

Written by David Green.


Had any strange grad food yet this year? You know what I’m referring to. You go to the open house for some 2007 graduate and the food table looks suspicious.

Just what is this stuff, anyway? Is that meat loaf, or is it German chocolate cake? And why is the cole slaw quivering? Yes, it’s probably a good time to go on a diet, one that lasts until you can leave the party.

I started thinking about this after reading an article by the Travel Channel listing their choices for the “Top 10 Most Bizarre Foods.” All-time favorites like menudo and haggis are included, of course, but so are several others I’ve never heard of.

Take, for example, mangrove worms. Popular in the Philippines, the iron-rich worms are long, slimy and said to taste like oysters. Yummy! Then there’s the coconut grub, a delicacy in Ecuador.

My favorite food on the list has to be durian, from Malaysia. The fruit is said to have custard-like flesh and can be served many ways, but the article adds “its powerful aroma is so offensive to some that airplanes, trains and buses often prohibit the fruit in passenger areas.” Maybe I’ll just stick with strawberries.

But when it comes to strange food, no one holds a candle to Malcolm Gay, writer of the “Keep It Down!” column for the Riverfront Times in St. Louis. Readers are requested to send in suggestions of foodstuffs that they are too timid to taste and Malcolm will try to, well, keep it down.

He has an amazing success rate, considering some of the items he is asked to consume. Some are pretty benign choices, like the week he had to eat a Little Debbie Marshmallow Pie. Then there was the week the selection was Armour Corned Beef Hash. Malcolm was a bit hesitant at first.

“Before the lid is even off, the room fills with a familiar odor—neither corn nor beef, and definitely not hash,“ he wrote. “This can’s contents seem closer kin to Friskies than to any deli item.” But once fried up, Malcolm was won over.

When trying the new Coca-Cola Blak beverage, Malcolm was concerned that the bottle is covered by a solid label, meaning he can’t see the contents beforehand. He wondered, “Will it taste like cough syrup? Like tobacco spit? If only.” Instead, the Coca-Cola Blak “invades the mouth with all the subtlety of eight ounces of vomit.”  I think he didn’t care for it. 

Just last week, the featured product was Micro Bak’n Artificially Flavored Bacon Strips. Malcolm described the texture as a “cross between Styrofoam peanuts and pork rinds,” the appearance “less like bacon and more like a breath strip engineered by the American Pork Council.”

Column after column, Malcolm tries items ranging from canned escargot (“For starters, the directions instruct you to sterilize the shells—not an encouraging serving suggestion.”), octopus, and pickled lemons (“I’m chewing, but only sparingly. Each clench of the mandible unleashes a barrage of scorched-earth strength citric acid...I’m finding it impossible to swallow. Who wants a chemical burn down the esophagus?”). But swallow it he eventually did. What a professional!

He’s sampled creamed smoked roe (fish eggs) from a tube, which he pronounced “an acquired taste. So far, I’m not feeling very acquisitive.”

A few weeks ago, he made his own sheep’s head stew from a sheep head bought from, of all places, Schnuck’s, the local chain supermarket in St. Louis. This reminded me of the days long ago when I’d be shopping for hamburger at Kroger’s in Adrian and see a pig’s head for sale. Who buys these things?

Anyway, Malcolm made his stew and offered the eyeballs to his guests as is supposedly the custom in some cultures. Finding no takers (on the stew or the eyeballs), Malcolm bit into the eyeball himself. His verdict? “Rich and tender, just as a meatball should be.”

But a jar of cured pork rinds and vegetables proved to be too much even for Malcolm. “There are times when the body rejects what the mind wills. This is one of those times,” he wrote, adding “before you can say boot, the glutinous mass spews forth, landing atop the cutting board with a shimmering plop.” In his defense, Malcolm later discovers an expiration date nearly four years past. Bet he checks them more closely now.

I hope this doesn’t deter anyone from attending any open houses. You just might want to bring your own sandwich, though. Or at least avoid any food that moves. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

    –May 23, 2007 
  • Front.cowboy
    A PERFORMER named Biligbaatar, a member of the AnDa Union troupe from Inner Mongolia, dances at Stair District Library last week during a visit to the Midwest. The nine-member group blends a variety of traditions from Inner and Outer Mongolia. The music is described as drawing from “all the Mongol tribes that Genghis Khan unified.” The group considers itself music gatherers whose goal is to preserve traditional sounds of Mongolia. Biligbaatar grew up among traditional herders who live in yurts. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.base Ball
    UMPIRE Thomas Henthorn tosses the bat between team captains Mikayla Price and Chuck Piskoti of Flint’s Lumber City Base Ball Club. Following the 1860 rules, after the bat was grabbed by the captains, captains’ hands advanced to the top of the bat—one hand on top of the other. The captain whose hand ended up on top decided who would bat first. Additional photos of Sunday’s game appear on page 12 of this week’s Observer. The contest was organized in conjunction with Stair District Library’s Hometown Teams exhibit that runs through Nov. 20.
  • Front.chat
    VALUE OF ATHLETICS—Morenci graduate John Bancroft (center) takes a turn at the microphone during a chat session at the opening of the Hometown Teams exhibit at Stair District Library. Clockwise to his left is John Dillon, Jed Hall, Jim Bauer, Joe Farquhar, George Hollstein, George Vereecke and Mike McDowell. Thomas Henthorn (at the podium) kicked off the conversation. Henthorn, a University of Michigan–Flint professor, will return to Morenci this Sunday to lead a game of vintage base ball at the school softball field.
  • Front.cross
    HUDSON RUNNER Jacob Morgan looks toward the top of the hill with dismay during the tough finish at Harrison Lake State Park. Fayette runner Jacob Garrow focuses on the summit, also, during the Eagle Invitational cross country run Saturday morning. Continuing rain and drizzle made the course even more challenging. Results of the race are in this week’s Observer.
  • Front.bear
    HOLDEN HUTCHISON gives a hug to a black bear cub—the product of a taxidermist’s skills—at the Michigan DNR’s Great Youth Jamboree. The event on Sunday marked the fourth year of the Jamboree. Additional photos are on page 12.
  • Front.crossing
    Crossing over—Jim Heiney was given a U.S. flag to carry by George Vereecke (behind Jim in the hat), turning him into the leader of the parade. Bridge Walk participants cross over Bean Creek while, in the background, members of the Morenci Legion Riders cross the main traffic bridge on East Street South. Additional photos appear on the back page of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.hose Testing
    HOSE safety—The FireCatt hose testing company from Troy put Morenci Fire Department hose to the test Monday morning when Mill Street was closed to traffic. The company also checks nozzles and ladders for wear in an effort to keep fire fighters safe while on calls.

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