2007.05.23 If the potato salad is moving, shoot it

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

Had any strange grad food yet this year? You know what I’m referring to. You go to the open house for some 2007 graduate and the food table looks suspicious.

Just what is this stuff, anyway? Is that meat loaf, or is it German chocolate cake? And why is the cole slaw quivering? Yes, it’s probably a good time to go on a diet, one that lasts until you can leave the party.

I started thinking about this after reading an article by the Travel Channel listing their choices for the “Top 10 Most Bizarre Foods.” All-time favorites like menudo and haggis are included, of course, but so are several others I’ve never heard of.

Take, for example, mangrove worms. Popular in the Philippines, the iron-rich worms are long, slimy and said to taste like oysters. Yummy! Then there’s the coconut grub, a delicacy in Ecuador.

My favorite food on the list has to be durian, from Malaysia. The fruit is said to have custard-like flesh and can be served many ways, but the article adds “its powerful aroma is so offensive to some that airplanes, trains and buses often prohibit the fruit in passenger areas.” Maybe I’ll just stick with strawberries.

But when it comes to strange food, no one holds a candle to Malcolm Gay, writer of the “Keep It Down!” column for the Riverfront Times in St. Louis. Readers are requested to send in suggestions of foodstuffs that they are too timid to taste and Malcolm will try to, well, keep it down.

He has an amazing success rate, considering some of the items he is asked to consume. Some are pretty benign choices, like the week he had to eat a Little Debbie Marshmallow Pie. Then there was the week the selection was Armour Corned Beef Hash. Malcolm was a bit hesitant at first.

“Before the lid is even off, the room fills with a familiar odor—neither corn nor beef, and definitely not hash,“ he wrote. “This can’s contents seem closer kin to Friskies than to any deli item.” But once fried up, Malcolm was won over.

When trying the new Coca-Cola Blak beverage, Malcolm was concerned that the bottle is covered by a solid label, meaning he can’t see the contents beforehand. He wondered, “Will it taste like cough syrup? Like tobacco spit? If only.” Instead, the Coca-Cola Blak “invades the mouth with all the subtlety of eight ounces of vomit.”  I think he didn’t care for it. 

Just last week, the featured product was Micro Bak’n Artificially Flavored Bacon Strips. Malcolm described the texture as a “cross between Styrofoam peanuts and pork rinds,” the appearance “less like bacon and more like a breath strip engineered by the American Pork Council.”

Column after column, Malcolm tries items ranging from canned escargot (“For starters, the directions instruct you to sterilize the shells—not an encouraging serving suggestion.”), octopus, and pickled lemons (“I’m chewing, but only sparingly. Each clench of the mandible unleashes a barrage of scorched-earth strength citric acid...I’m finding it impossible to swallow. Who wants a chemical burn down the esophagus?”). But swallow it he eventually did. What a professional!

He’s sampled creamed smoked roe (fish eggs) from a tube, which he pronounced “an acquired taste. So far, I’m not feeling very acquisitive.”

A few weeks ago, he made his own sheep’s head stew from a sheep head bought from, of all places, Schnuck’s, the local chain supermarket in St. Louis. This reminded me of the days long ago when I’d be shopping for hamburger at Kroger’s in Adrian and see a pig’s head for sale. Who buys these things?

Anyway, Malcolm made his stew and offered the eyeballs to his guests as is supposedly the custom in some cultures. Finding no takers (on the stew or the eyeballs), Malcolm bit into the eyeball himself. His verdict? “Rich and tender, just as a meatball should be.”

But a jar of cured pork rinds and vegetables proved to be too much even for Malcolm. “There are times when the body rejects what the mind wills. This is one of those times,” he wrote, adding “before you can say boot, the glutinous mass spews forth, landing atop the cutting board with a shimmering plop.” In his defense, Malcolm later discovers an expiration date nearly four years past. Bet he checks them more closely now.

I hope this doesn’t deter anyone from attending any open houses. You just might want to bring your own sandwich, though. Or at least avoid any food that moves. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

    –May 23, 2007 
  • Front.bridge Cross
    STEP BY STEP—Wyatt Stevens of Morenci makes his way across a rope bridge Sunday during the Michigan DNR’s Great Outdoors Jamboree at Lake Hudson Recreation Area. The Tecumseh Boy Scout Troop constructed the bridge again this year after taking a break in 2016. The Jamboree offered a variety of activities for a wide range of age groups. Morenci’s Stair District Library set up activities again this year and had visits with dozens of kids. See the back page for additional photos.
  • Front.bridge.17
    LEADING THE WAY—The Morenci Area High School marching band led the way across the pedestrian bridge on Morenci’s south side for the annual Labor Day Bridge Walk. The Band Boosters shared profits from the sale of T-shirts with the walk’s sponsor, the Morenci Area Chamber of Commerce. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.eclipse
    LOOKING UP—More than 200 people showed up at Stair District Library Monday afternoon to view the big celestial event with free glasses provided by a grant from the Space Science Institute. The library offered craft activities from noon to 1 p.m., refreshments including Cosmic Cake from Zingerman’s Bakehouse and a live viewing of the eclipse from NASA on a large screen. As the sky darkened slightly, more and more people moved outside to the sidewalk to take a look at the shrinking sun. If you missed it, hang on for the next total eclipse in 2024 as the path comes even closer to this area.
  • Cecil
    THE MAYOR—Cecil Schoonover poses with a collection of garden gnomes that mysteriously arrive and disappear from his property. Along with the gnomes, someone created the sign stating that he is the Mayor of Gnomesville. He hasn’t yet tracked down the people involved in the prank, but he’s having a good time with the mystery.
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Front.batter

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