2007.05.09 It may soon be time to call the Dream Police

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

There must be something new in the air as I keep having these strange dreams recently. I’m not doing or eating anything different that I know of, but when I’ve gone to sleep lately, my dreams are way more interesting than real life. That’s nothing new, of course, but the number of weird dreams and the fact that I remember the details later is unusual.

Take, for instance, the Dick Cheney dream. In this one, Cheney has somehow become President and that’s not even the bizarre part. What’s worse is that apparently through some major breakdown in the order of succession, I have become vice president.

Yes, Fayette is crawling with Secret Service agents, especially when “President” Cheney stops by to let me know he’s about to make a major move which will require me to go to that “undisclosed location” we’re always hearing about (West Unity, maybe?). I ask him if he’s going to bomb someone and he tells me it’s none of my business. Oh, that’s right, I’m only the vice president. And I woke up before I ever found out what happened to President Bush. I suppose that’s a good thing.

And my dreams know no political lines, either. Just the other night, my dream self was hanging out in a bar with former President Clinton. I don’t remember if I was vice president in this one or not, but how else would I have met him? One of the waitresses seemed to be paying me more attention than needed, which got the ex-President started on relationship advice.

“I think she’s a bit on the homely side, myself,” Bill offered, “But do what you want. I’ve dated a few unsightly ones in my day. Just don’t get too serious. Look what I ended up with!”

Imagine that, interpersonal relationship tips from a former president. I still don’t know how the dream Clinton was able to go out without a cadre of guards or media.

Then there was the concert dream. In this one, I found myself backstage at some entertainment venue with John Mellencamp and Steve Earle. That was pretty interesting, being able to talk to two famous musicians.

In between talking about their careers and the music business, John and Steve managed to fit in quite a few complaints about the backstage buffet the promoter had provided. I’m not sure exactly what the problem was, but they kept getting more irritated about the situation

Finally, Steve asked to borrow my car. “I’m going to go get us some decent food,” he said, leaving me alone to talk with John. After what seemed to be a very long time, Steve’s road manager came over to us.

“Sorry, man, “ he told me. “Steve wrecked your Buick.” That’s it, next dream, I’m letting Mellencamp drive.

Other dreams don’t feature any celebrities, but that doesn’t lessen the weirdness quotient any. For example, there was the dream in which I was a famous inventor.

In this one, someone was telling me all about music downloads and file sharing and the joys of listening to music on a computer when I said, “Why would I want to listen to music on a computer? I might as well watch television on my stove!” Then this light bulb went off in my dream brain.

Suddenly, I was the inventor of the combination stove and television. No need to run between two rooms or have both items in the kitchen. My new invention looked like a stove, but had a television screen instead of an oven window. The handy remote “oven” button allowed you to look in on your meal during commercials without opening the door. Then just switch back to your program.

Then I invented the microwave stereo, which allowed you to choose from thousands of songs to program into the microwave presets. Just pick your preferred song from all those whose approximate length matches that of the preset and listen to your favorite music instead of the microwave hum. Maybe the Red Hot Chili Peppers can spice up that microwave burrito.

Then the dream jumped to my lawsuit against General Electric, charged with violation of my patents. My attorney said I was a modern day Thomas Edison. Their attorney likened me to the guy who invented hair in a can. I think he meant that as an insult.

I woke up before the case came to trial, so I’m not sure if I end up owning GE or not. Maybe I’ll find out in a future dream. Me owning a giant multi-national corporation? Yes, I must be dreaming.

    – May 9, 2007
  • Play Practice
    DRAMA—Fayette schools, in conjunction with the Opera House Theater program, will present two plays Friday night at the Fayette Opera House. From the left is Autumn Black, Wyatt Mitchell, Elizabeth Myers, Jonah Perdue, Sam Myers (in the back) and Lauren Dale. Other cast members are Brynn Balmer, Mason Maginn, Ashtyn Dominique, Stephanie Munguia and Sierra Munguia. Jason Stuckey serves as the technician and Trinity Leady is the backstage manager. The plays will be performed during the day Friday for students and for the public at 7 p.m. Friday.
  • Front.F.school
    PROGRESS continues on the agriculture classroom addition at Fayette High School. The project will add 2,900 square feet of space and include an overhead door that would allow equipment to be driven inside. The building should be ready for the start of school in August. Work on ball fields and a running track is also underway.
  • Front.rover
    CLEARING THE WAY—Road crossings in the area on the construction route of the Rover natural gas pipeline are marked with poles and flags as preliminary work nears. Ditches and field entry points are covered with thick planks in many areas to support equipment for tree clearing operations. Actual pipeline construction is progressing across Ohio toward a collecting station near Defiance. That segment of the project is expected to wrap up in July. The 42-inch line through Michigan and into Ontario is scheduled for completion in November. The line is projected to transport 3.25 billion cubic feet of natural gas every day.
  • Front.geese
    ON THE MOVE—Six goslings head out on manuevers with their parents in an area lake. Baby waterfowl are showing up in lakes and ponds throughout the area.
  • Accident
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  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.
  • Face Paint
    FUN NIGHT FUN—Savanna Miles sits patiently while Abbie White works on a face paint design Friday during the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Gracie Snead watches the progress after having spent time in the chair. Abbie was one of several volunteer painters, each creating their own unique look. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.

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