2007.05.09 It may soon be time to call the Dream Police

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

There must be something new in the air as I keep having these strange dreams recently. I’m not doing or eating anything different that I know of, but when I’ve gone to sleep lately, my dreams are way more interesting than real life. That’s nothing new, of course, but the number of weird dreams and the fact that I remember the details later is unusual.

Take, for instance, the Dick Cheney dream. In this one, Cheney has somehow become President and that’s not even the bizarre part. What’s worse is that apparently through some major breakdown in the order of succession, I have become vice president.

Yes, Fayette is crawling with Secret Service agents, especially when “President” Cheney stops by to let me know he’s about to make a major move which will require me to go to that “undisclosed location” we’re always hearing about (West Unity, maybe?). I ask him if he’s going to bomb someone and he tells me it’s none of my business. Oh, that’s right, I’m only the vice president. And I woke up before I ever found out what happened to President Bush. I suppose that’s a good thing.

And my dreams know no political lines, either. Just the other night, my dream self was hanging out in a bar with former President Clinton. I don’t remember if I was vice president in this one or not, but how else would I have met him? One of the waitresses seemed to be paying me more attention than needed, which got the ex-President started on relationship advice.

“I think she’s a bit on the homely side, myself,” Bill offered, “But do what you want. I’ve dated a few unsightly ones in my day. Just don’t get too serious. Look what I ended up with!”

Imagine that, interpersonal relationship tips from a former president. I still don’t know how the dream Clinton was able to go out without a cadre of guards or media.

Then there was the concert dream. In this one, I found myself backstage at some entertainment venue with John Mellencamp and Steve Earle. That was pretty interesting, being able to talk to two famous musicians.

In between talking about their careers and the music business, John and Steve managed to fit in quite a few complaints about the backstage buffet the promoter had provided. I’m not sure exactly what the problem was, but they kept getting more irritated about the situation

Finally, Steve asked to borrow my car. “I’m going to go get us some decent food,” he said, leaving me alone to talk with John. After what seemed to be a very long time, Steve’s road manager came over to us.

“Sorry, man, “ he told me. “Steve wrecked your Buick.” That’s it, next dream, I’m letting Mellencamp drive.

Other dreams don’t feature any celebrities, but that doesn’t lessen the weirdness quotient any. For example, there was the dream in which I was a famous inventor.

In this one, someone was telling me all about music downloads and file sharing and the joys of listening to music on a computer when I said, “Why would I want to listen to music on a computer? I might as well watch television on my stove!” Then this light bulb went off in my dream brain.

Suddenly, I was the inventor of the combination stove and television. No need to run between two rooms or have both items in the kitchen. My new invention looked like a stove, but had a television screen instead of an oven window. The handy remote “oven” button allowed you to look in on your meal during commercials without opening the door. Then just switch back to your program.

Then I invented the microwave stereo, which allowed you to choose from thousands of songs to program into the microwave presets. Just pick your preferred song from all those whose approximate length matches that of the preset and listen to your favorite music instead of the microwave hum. Maybe the Red Hot Chili Peppers can spice up that microwave burrito.

Then the dream jumped to my lawsuit against General Electric, charged with violation of my patents. My attorney said I was a modern day Thomas Edison. Their attorney likened me to the guy who invented hair in a can. I think he meant that as an insult.

I woke up before the case came to trial, so I’m not sure if I end up owning GE or not. Maybe I’ll find out in a future dream. Me owning a giant multi-national corporation? Yes, I must be dreaming.

    – May 9, 2007
  • Front.bridge Cross
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    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
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