The Weekly Newspaper serving the citizens of Morenci, Mich., Fayette, Ohio, and surrounding areas.

  • Front.cheers
    MACEE BEERS joins other Fayette Elementary School students for the annual Mini-Cheer performance during the half-time break at the basketball game.
  • Family.3.wide
    CHILDREN at Stair District Library’s Family Story Time toss scarves into the air during an activity. The evening program provided a mix of stories, songs, dancing, crafts and snacks Monday evening. The program is offered at 5:30 p.m. every Monday for five more weeks. The program is designed for three to five year olds and their family.
  • Front.newpaper.2
    THE INTERVIEW—Evelyn Joughin (right) records the interaction with an iPad while Jack Varga, next to her, asks questions of Morenci Elementary School principal Gail Frey. Morenci senior Sam Cool (standing) listens. Cool serves as the editor for the newspaper written by members of Mrs. Barrett’s second grade class.
  • Front.code.2
    WRITING CODE—Brock Christle (left), a Morenci fifth grade student, takes a look at the progress being made by fourth grader Anthony Lewis. Libby Rorick, a sixth grade student, is next in a line of girls trying out the coding tutorials. This year marked Morenci’s second year of participation in the Hour of Code project.
  • Front.skelton.vigil
    MORENCI’S three Skelton brothers were remembered with both tears and laughter last week during a candlelight vigil at Wakefield Park. Several people came out of the crowd to give their recollection of the boys who have now been missing for five years.
  • Front.gym.new
    REMIE RYAN (left) tries to dodge the foam wand held by Hayden Bays during physical education class at Morenci Elementary School. In the background, Lauryn Dominique and Brooklyn Williams stay clear of the tag. Second grade students were working on cardiovascular health on the first day back from vacation. For the record, Safety Tag is a very difficult sport to photograph.
  • Front.lift
    MORENCI student Dalton McCowan puts everything into a dead lift attempt Saturday morning during the Wyseguy Push/Pull event. Lifters helped raise more than $1,600 for the family of the late Devin Wyse, a former Morenci power-lifter who graduated last year. Commemorative T-shirts are still available by contacting teacher Dan Hoffman.

2007.01.04 The ten celebrities you'll meet in Hell

Written by David Green.

The ten celebrities you’ll meet in Hell


By RICH FOLEY

As one year ends and another begins, newspapers, magazines and television seem to make up endless lists to entertain their audience, not to mention fill up space and airtime.

Many of the same ones show up like clockwork every year, like the year’s top ten news stories, ten best (and worst) movies, what’s in or out for the year in question, etc. Then there’s always that Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Intriguing People special, which often contains several people of interest only to Walters.

One new list did manage to catch my eye as AOL Music and Blender magazine joined forces to name the “111 Wussiest Songs of All Time.” To punish more of the guilty, artists could appear on the list only once, presumably for their wussiest song of all. Also Anne Murray’s entire recorded output was banned from consideration.

The list contained several surprises, such as Barry Manilow checking in at only #92 on the list for “Mandy.” And Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” is only #22? And the Carpenters “Close To You” is only #17? I think they’re being far too easy on these people. But mentioning the Carpenters reminds me of Kinky Friedman’s statement that “Cass Elliott died from choking on a ham sandwich and Karen Carpenter died from anorexia. If only Cass had shared that sandwich with Karen, they’d both be alive today.”

Moving on, Dan Hill made it to #2 on the run down for “Sometimes When We Touch.” I remember someone once saying Hill’s voice sounds like he’s in the middle of getting a prostate exam from Captain Hook. And number one on the list is “Shiny Happy People” from R.E.M. I can’t seem to place that song, but co-worker Kim Ekins and I are almost always  able to fill in the gaps in each other’s music knowledge so I’m sure she will be singing it to me soon.

After a couple of holiday weekends spent mostly at home and stuck watching several of those programs covering (actually, more like fawning over) the entertainment industry, I’ve come up with a list of my own, which I’m calling “The Ten Celebrities You’ll Meet In Hell.” If the thought of spending eternal damnation in the company of this crowd isn’t enough to get you to clean up your act, I don’t know what will.

I won’t list these in any particular order except for Paris Hilton, who is the obvious choice for number one.

Does anyone have an explanation as to why her every move is reported on by the entertainment media as if she actually had some worthwhile talent to offer? All I see is a present day version of Kitty Carlisle. As a child, I saw Carlisle as a panelist on many of the television game shows and always wondered what she was famous for.

It turns out, Carlisle was once in a Marx Brothers movie. So at least she was well known in the 1930s. Hilton’s only claims to fame are her last name and her idiotic behavior, both on television and off. And she might even enjoy Hell because “It’s hot.”

Joining Hilton down below will be Mel Gibson. I really don’t have to explain that choice, do I?

Nicole Kidman is already from “Down Under,” so let’s just send her a little farther down. Has she ever made a good movie? None that I’ve seen. Remember the scene in “Days of Thunder” when she demanded Tom Cruise let her out of a speeding car? He should have done so. Maybe she wouldn’t have found her way back to Hollywood.

Will Ferrell, Borat and Nicolas Cage can form an act in Hell called “Creep, Creepier and Creepiest.” No matter which one you put in which role, you’re right.

And sending Sarah Jessica Parker along will stop all the entertainment programs and tabloids from constantly trying to convince us that she is sexy, stunning or whatever adjective they come up with. I’m half blind and I know she’s homely, at best. What is she blackmailing these people with?

Jennifer Aniston and her on again, off again romances might be entertaining to Satan. I think all of us on the surface have heard more than enough.

Rosie O‘Donnell is long overdue for a trip to a superwarm climate. I’m sure a lot of Chinese-Americans agree. Her current quarrel with Donald Trump actually has me in the unprecedented position of rooting for Trump.

And finally, figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. I’m sure she’ll be moaning “Why?” over and over. Why? Because you whine too much.

As for Joan Rivers, Charlie Sheen, Tori Spelling, David Caruso, Judge Judy, Ashton Kutcher, Tyne Daly, David Schwimmer, Shelly Long and Chevy Chase—wait until next year.

    - Jan. 4, 2007

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