2007.01.04 The ten celebrities you'll meet in Hell

Written by David Green.

The ten celebrities you’ll meet in Hell


As one year ends and another begins, newspapers, magazines and television seem to make up endless lists to entertain their audience, not to mention fill up space and airtime.

Many of the same ones show up like clockwork every year, like the year’s top ten news stories, ten best (and worst) movies, what’s in or out for the year in question, etc. Then there’s always that Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Intriguing People special, which often contains several people of interest only to Walters.

One new list did manage to catch my eye as AOL Music and Blender magazine joined forces to name the “111 Wussiest Songs of All Time.” To punish more of the guilty, artists could appear on the list only once, presumably for their wussiest song of all. Also Anne Murray’s entire recorded output was banned from consideration.

The list contained several surprises, such as Barry Manilow checking in at only #92 on the list for “Mandy.” And Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” is only #22? And the Carpenters “Close To You” is only #17? I think they’re being far too easy on these people. But mentioning the Carpenters reminds me of Kinky Friedman’s statement that “Cass Elliott died from choking on a ham sandwich and Karen Carpenter died from anorexia. If only Cass had shared that sandwich with Karen, they’d both be alive today.”

Moving on, Dan Hill made it to #2 on the run down for “Sometimes When We Touch.” I remember someone once saying Hill’s voice sounds like he’s in the middle of getting a prostate exam from Captain Hook. And number one on the list is “Shiny Happy People” from R.E.M. I can’t seem to place that song, but co-worker Kim Ekins and I are almost always  able to fill in the gaps in each other’s music knowledge so I’m sure she will be singing it to me soon.

After a couple of holiday weekends spent mostly at home and stuck watching several of those programs covering (actually, more like fawning over) the entertainment industry, I’ve come up with a list of my own, which I’m calling “The Ten Celebrities You’ll Meet In Hell.” If the thought of spending eternal damnation in the company of this crowd isn’t enough to get you to clean up your act, I don’t know what will.

I won’t list these in any particular order except for Paris Hilton, who is the obvious choice for number one.

Does anyone have an explanation as to why her every move is reported on by the entertainment media as if she actually had some worthwhile talent to offer? All I see is a present day version of Kitty Carlisle. As a child, I saw Carlisle as a panelist on many of the television game shows and always wondered what she was famous for.

It turns out, Carlisle was once in a Marx Brothers movie. So at least she was well known in the 1930s. Hilton’s only claims to fame are her last name and her idiotic behavior, both on television and off. And she might even enjoy Hell because “It’s hot.”

Joining Hilton down below will be Mel Gibson. I really don’t have to explain that choice, do I?

Nicole Kidman is already from “Down Under,” so let’s just send her a little farther down. Has she ever made a good movie? None that I’ve seen. Remember the scene in “Days of Thunder” when she demanded Tom Cruise let her out of a speeding car? He should have done so. Maybe she wouldn’t have found her way back to Hollywood.

Will Ferrell, Borat and Nicolas Cage can form an act in Hell called “Creep, Creepier and Creepiest.” No matter which one you put in which role, you’re right.

And sending Sarah Jessica Parker along will stop all the entertainment programs and tabloids from constantly trying to convince us that she is sexy, stunning or whatever adjective they come up with. I’m half blind and I know she’s homely, at best. What is she blackmailing these people with?

Jennifer Aniston and her on again, off again romances might be entertaining to Satan. I think all of us on the surface have heard more than enough.

Rosie O‘Donnell is long overdue for a trip to a superwarm climate. I’m sure a lot of Chinese-Americans agree. Her current quarrel with Donald Trump actually has me in the unprecedented position of rooting for Trump.

And finally, figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. I’m sure she’ll be moaning “Why?” over and over. Why? Because you whine too much.

As for Joan Rivers, Charlie Sheen, Tori Spelling, David Caruso, Judge Judy, Ashton Kutcher, Tyne Daly, David Schwimmer, Shelly Long and Chevy Chase—wait until next year.

    - Jan. 4, 2007
  • Front.cowboy
    A PERFORMER named Biligbaatar, a member of the AnDa Union troupe from Inner Mongolia, dances at Stair District Library last week during a visit to the Midwest. The nine-member group blends a variety of traditions from Inner and Outer Mongolia. The music is described as drawing from “all the Mongol tribes that Genghis Khan unified.” The group considers itself music gatherers whose goal is to preserve traditional sounds of Mongolia. Biligbaatar grew up among traditional herders who live in yurts. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.base Ball
    UMPIRE Thomas Henthorn tosses the bat between team captains Mikayla Price and Chuck Piskoti of Flint’s Lumber City Base Ball Club. Following the 1860 rules, after the bat was grabbed by the captains, captains’ hands advanced to the top of the bat—one hand on top of the other. The captain whose hand ended up on top decided who would bat first. Additional photos of Sunday’s game appear on page 12 of this week’s Observer. The contest was organized in conjunction with Stair District Library’s Hometown Teams exhibit that runs through Nov. 20.
  • Front.chat
    VALUE OF ATHLETICS—Morenci graduate John Bancroft (center) takes a turn at the microphone during a chat session at the opening of the Hometown Teams exhibit at Stair District Library. Clockwise to his left is John Dillon, Jed Hall, Jim Bauer, Joe Farquhar, George Hollstein, George Vereecke and Mike McDowell. Thomas Henthorn (at the podium) kicked off the conversation. Henthorn, a University of Michigan–Flint professor, will return to Morenci this Sunday to lead a game of vintage base ball at the school softball field.
  • Front.cross
    HUDSON RUNNER Jacob Morgan looks toward the top of the hill with dismay during the tough finish at Harrison Lake State Park. Fayette runner Jacob Garrow focuses on the summit, also, during the Eagle Invitational cross country run Saturday morning. Continuing rain and drizzle made the course even more challenging. Results of the race are in this week’s Observer.
  • Front.bear
    HOLDEN HUTCHISON gives a hug to a black bear cub—the product of a taxidermist’s skills—at the Michigan DNR’s Great Youth Jamboree. The event on Sunday marked the fourth year of the Jamboree. Additional photos are on page 12.
  • Front.crossing
    Crossing over—Jim Heiney was given a U.S. flag to carry by George Vereecke (behind Jim in the hat), turning him into the leader of the parade. Bridge Walk participants cross over Bean Creek while, in the background, members of the Morenci Legion Riders cross the main traffic bridge on East Street South. Additional photos appear on the back page of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.hose Testing
    HOSE safety—The FireCatt hose testing company from Troy put Morenci Fire Department hose to the test Monday morning when Mill Street was closed to traffic. The company also checks nozzles and ladders for wear in an effort to keep fire fighters safe while on calls.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2016