2007.01.04 The ten celebrities you'll meet in Hell

Written by David Green.

The ten celebrities you’ll meet in Hell


By RICH FOLEY

As one year ends and another begins, newspapers, magazines and television seem to make up endless lists to entertain their audience, not to mention fill up space and airtime.

Many of the same ones show up like clockwork every year, like the year’s top ten news stories, ten best (and worst) movies, what’s in or out for the year in question, etc. Then there’s always that Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Intriguing People special, which often contains several people of interest only to Walters.

One new list did manage to catch my eye as AOL Music and Blender magazine joined forces to name the “111 Wussiest Songs of All Time.” To punish more of the guilty, artists could appear on the list only once, presumably for their wussiest song of all. Also Anne Murray’s entire recorded output was banned from consideration.

The list contained several surprises, such as Barry Manilow checking in at only #92 on the list for “Mandy.” And Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” is only #22? And the Carpenters “Close To You” is only #17? I think they’re being far too easy on these people. But mentioning the Carpenters reminds me of Kinky Friedman’s statement that “Cass Elliott died from choking on a ham sandwich and Karen Carpenter died from anorexia. If only Cass had shared that sandwich with Karen, they’d both be alive today.”

Moving on, Dan Hill made it to #2 on the run down for “Sometimes When We Touch.” I remember someone once saying Hill’s voice sounds like he’s in the middle of getting a prostate exam from Captain Hook. And number one on the list is “Shiny Happy People” from R.E.M. I can’t seem to place that song, but co-worker Kim Ekins and I are almost always  able to fill in the gaps in each other’s music knowledge so I’m sure she will be singing it to me soon.

After a couple of holiday weekends spent mostly at home and stuck watching several of those programs covering (actually, more like fawning over) the entertainment industry, I’ve come up with a list of my own, which I’m calling “The Ten Celebrities You’ll Meet In Hell.” If the thought of spending eternal damnation in the company of this crowd isn’t enough to get you to clean up your act, I don’t know what will.

I won’t list these in any particular order except for Paris Hilton, who is the obvious choice for number one.

Does anyone have an explanation as to why her every move is reported on by the entertainment media as if she actually had some worthwhile talent to offer? All I see is a present day version of Kitty Carlisle. As a child, I saw Carlisle as a panelist on many of the television game shows and always wondered what she was famous for.

It turns out, Carlisle was once in a Marx Brothers movie. So at least she was well known in the 1930s. Hilton’s only claims to fame are her last name and her idiotic behavior, both on television and off. And she might even enjoy Hell because “It’s hot.”

Joining Hilton down below will be Mel Gibson. I really don’t have to explain that choice, do I?

Nicole Kidman is already from “Down Under,” so let’s just send her a little farther down. Has she ever made a good movie? None that I’ve seen. Remember the scene in “Days of Thunder” when she demanded Tom Cruise let her out of a speeding car? He should have done so. Maybe she wouldn’t have found her way back to Hollywood.

Will Ferrell, Borat and Nicolas Cage can form an act in Hell called “Creep, Creepier and Creepiest.” No matter which one you put in which role, you’re right.

And sending Sarah Jessica Parker along will stop all the entertainment programs and tabloids from constantly trying to convince us that she is sexy, stunning or whatever adjective they come up with. I’m half blind and I know she’s homely, at best. What is she blackmailing these people with?

Jennifer Aniston and her on again, off again romances might be entertaining to Satan. I think all of us on the surface have heard more than enough.

Rosie O‘Donnell is long overdue for a trip to a superwarm climate. I’m sure a lot of Chinese-Americans agree. Her current quarrel with Donald Trump actually has me in the unprecedented position of rooting for Trump.

And finally, figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. I’m sure she’ll be moaning “Why?” over and over. Why? Because you whine too much.

As for Joan Rivers, Charlie Sheen, Tori Spelling, David Caruso, Judge Judy, Ashton Kutcher, Tyne Daly, David Schwimmer, Shelly Long and Chevy Chase—wait until next year.

    - Jan. 4, 2007
  • Front.nok Hok
    GAMES DAY—Finn Molitierno (right) celebrates a goal during a game of Nok Hockey with his sister, Kyla. The two tried out a variety of games Saturday at Stair District Library’s annual International Games Day event. One of the activities featured a sort of scavenger hunt in which participants had to locate facts presented in the Smithsonian Hometown Teams exhibit. The traveling show left Morenci’s library Tuesday, wrapping up a series of programs that began Oct. 2. Additional photos are on page 7.
  • Station.2
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  • Front.leaves
    MAPLE leaves show their fall colors in a puddle at Morenci’s Riverside Natural Area. “This was a great year for colors,” said local weather watcher George Isobar. Chilly mornings will give way to seasonable fall temperatures for the next two weeks.
  • Front.band
    MORENCI Marching Band member Brittany Dennis keeps the beat Friday during the half-time show of the Morenci/Pittsford football game. Color guard member Jordan Cordts is at the left. The band performed this season under the direction of Doyle Rodenbeck who served as Morenci’s band director in the 1970s. He’s serving as a substitute during a family leave.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.
  • Front.cowboy
    A PERFORMER named Biligbaatar, a member of the AnDa Union troupe from Inner Mongolia, dances at Stair District Library last week during a visit to the Midwest. The nine-member group blends a variety of traditions from Inner and Outer Mongolia. The music is described as drawing from “all the Mongol tribes that Genghis Khan unified.” The group considers itself music gatherers whose goal is to preserve traditional sounds of Mongolia. Biligbaatar grew up among traditional herders who live in yurts. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.bear
    HOLDEN HUTCHISON gives a hug to a black bear cub—the product of a taxidermist’s skills—at the Michigan DNR’s Great Youth Jamboree. The event on Sunday marked the fourth year of the Jamboree. Additional photos are on page 12.

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