2007.01.04 The ten celebrities you'll meet in Hell

Written by David Green.

The ten celebrities you’ll meet in Hell


By RICH FOLEY

As one year ends and another begins, newspapers, magazines and television seem to make up endless lists to entertain their audience, not to mention fill up space and airtime.

Many of the same ones show up like clockwork every year, like the year’s top ten news stories, ten best (and worst) movies, what’s in or out for the year in question, etc. Then there’s always that Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Intriguing People special, which often contains several people of interest only to Walters.

One new list did manage to catch my eye as AOL Music and Blender magazine joined forces to name the “111 Wussiest Songs of All Time.” To punish more of the guilty, artists could appear on the list only once, presumably for their wussiest song of all. Also Anne Murray’s entire recorded output was banned from consideration.

The list contained several surprises, such as Barry Manilow checking in at only #92 on the list for “Mandy.” And Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” is only #22? And the Carpenters “Close To You” is only #17? I think they’re being far too easy on these people. But mentioning the Carpenters reminds me of Kinky Friedman’s statement that “Cass Elliott died from choking on a ham sandwich and Karen Carpenter died from anorexia. If only Cass had shared that sandwich with Karen, they’d both be alive today.”

Moving on, Dan Hill made it to #2 on the run down for “Sometimes When We Touch.” I remember someone once saying Hill’s voice sounds like he’s in the middle of getting a prostate exam from Captain Hook. And number one on the list is “Shiny Happy People” from R.E.M. I can’t seem to place that song, but co-worker Kim Ekins and I are almost always  able to fill in the gaps in each other’s music knowledge so I’m sure she will be singing it to me soon.

After a couple of holiday weekends spent mostly at home and stuck watching several of those programs covering (actually, more like fawning over) the entertainment industry, I’ve come up with a list of my own, which I’m calling “The Ten Celebrities You’ll Meet In Hell.” If the thought of spending eternal damnation in the company of this crowd isn’t enough to get you to clean up your act, I don’t know what will.

I won’t list these in any particular order except for Paris Hilton, who is the obvious choice for number one.

Does anyone have an explanation as to why her every move is reported on by the entertainment media as if she actually had some worthwhile talent to offer? All I see is a present day version of Kitty Carlisle. As a child, I saw Carlisle as a panelist on many of the television game shows and always wondered what she was famous for.

It turns out, Carlisle was once in a Marx Brothers movie. So at least she was well known in the 1930s. Hilton’s only claims to fame are her last name and her idiotic behavior, both on television and off. And she might even enjoy Hell because “It’s hot.”

Joining Hilton down below will be Mel Gibson. I really don’t have to explain that choice, do I?

Nicole Kidman is already from “Down Under,” so let’s just send her a little farther down. Has she ever made a good movie? None that I’ve seen. Remember the scene in “Days of Thunder” when she demanded Tom Cruise let her out of a speeding car? He should have done so. Maybe she wouldn’t have found her way back to Hollywood.

Will Ferrell, Borat and Nicolas Cage can form an act in Hell called “Creep, Creepier and Creepiest.” No matter which one you put in which role, you’re right.

And sending Sarah Jessica Parker along will stop all the entertainment programs and tabloids from constantly trying to convince us that she is sexy, stunning or whatever adjective they come up with. I’m half blind and I know she’s homely, at best. What is she blackmailing these people with?

Jennifer Aniston and her on again, off again romances might be entertaining to Satan. I think all of us on the surface have heard more than enough.

Rosie O‘Donnell is long overdue for a trip to a superwarm climate. I’m sure a lot of Chinese-Americans agree. Her current quarrel with Donald Trump actually has me in the unprecedented position of rooting for Trump.

And finally, figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. I’m sure she’ll be moaning “Why?” over and over. Why? Because you whine too much.

As for Joan Rivers, Charlie Sheen, Tori Spelling, David Caruso, Judge Judy, Ashton Kutcher, Tyne Daly, David Schwimmer, Shelly Long and Chevy Chase—wait until next year.

    - Jan. 4, 2007
  • Cecil
    THE MAYOR—Cecil Schoonover poses with a collection of garden gnomes that mysteriously arrive and disappear from his property. Along with the gnomes, someone created the sign stating that he is the Mayor of Gnomesville. He hasn’t yet tracked down the people involved in the prank, but he’s having a good time with the mystery.
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.snake
    Lannis Smith of the Leslie Science and Nature Center in Ann Arbor shows off a python last week at Stair District Library's Summer Reading Program.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Pipeline Spread
    LINED UP—Lengths of pipe were put in place last week along the route of the Rover natural gas pipeline that will stretch from Defiance, Ohio, to Ontario, Canada. Topsoil was removed before the pipes were laid out. The 42-inch diameter pipeline is scheduled for completion in November.
  • Front.rock Study
    ROCKHOUNDS—From the left, Joseph McCullough, Sean Pagett and Jonathan McCullough peer through hand lenses to study rocks. The project is part of Morenci Elementary School’s summer camp that continues into August.

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