2013.05.15 It's time for a movie of "Dinosaurs Attack!"

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

I don’t know about most people, but I’m not very impressed by the movie industry’s growing practice of making more and more sequels and slightly different versions of any movie that happens to do well at the box office. I suppose people who liked the original movie are happy, but how about a limit on this?

When was the last time a year passed without another James Bond, Star Trek, Star Wars, Fast and Furious or other attempt to cash in by basically making the same movie again with a few cosmetic changes? Do we really need a Hangover 3?

I’m thinking it’s time Hollywood finally makes a movie of the Dinosaurs Attack trading card series, which debuted way back in 1988. I’ll explain the plot in a minute. The Topps Company, which produced the set, sold the movie rights at the time and Tim Burton was set to direct the motion picture. The idea was shelved when word of the production of “Jurassic Park” leaked out. 

Yes, back then, Hollywood balked at the idea of two dinosaur movies coming out in the same year. Instead, Burton directed a movie based on another Topps trading card product, the classic Mars Attacks! set  from 1962. This one still shows up on late night television. If you haven’t seen it, don’t read the rest of this paragraph. At first, it appeared the Martians would conquer the Earth, but in the end, the music of Slim Whitman proved to be the secret weapon that defeated them. Thanks again, Slim.

But back to Dinosaurs Attack! A scientist, Dr, Elias Thorne, has developed a process that bathes the Earth with some sort of a particle beam from his space station lab. The beam allows him to “unfreeze” moments in time and display them in a wall of light in the space station. Thorne decided to begin with studying the age of the dinosaurs.

Things went well at first, until a pair of huge reptilian eyes appeared on the screen, followed by several explosions on the space station. Then word reached the station that many thousands, if not millions, of dinosaurs have appeared all over the planet. Things go downhill rapidly after that.

Three dinosaurs materialize at the White House and eat the President, First Lady, and several Secret Service agents. You’d think that Nancy Reagan’s astrologer would have warned her about the imminent threat.

 The dinosaurs go on to kill millions in especially bloody ways, targets including  the Statue of Liberty, our military, and a thinly disguised McDonald’s restaurant (the sign reads “Over 3 quadrillion sold”).

My favorite card in the set is called “Rock Concert Carnage.” The front depicts a pair of dinosaurs wreaking havoc on stage at a rock concert. The reverse side of the card is the really entertaining part. Like several cards in the set, it’s an actual photo with cartoon-like balloons containing quotes from those pictured. The three performers in the photo are dead ringers for Crosby, Stills, and Nash.

The Stills look-alike is saying, “It was crazy, man! Some *#!#*! dinosaur jumps on the stage and starts tearin’ my hair out!” The interviewer concludes, “Apparently the plant-eating creatures mistook the hair of these rock performers for the tops of trees they fed upon a hundred million years ago!”

A nearly bald duplicate of David Crosby simply says “Heavy,” while a reasonable facsimile of an almost hairless Graham Nash stands behind his band mates, pensively considering the situation. Luckily, Neil Young was apparently not touring with them at the time.

Meanwhile, back at the space station, it becomes clear that the giant eyes seen on Dr. Thorne’s screen belong to an evil reptile overseer of the dinosaurs. While he attempts to find a way to reverse what he caused, the reptile is able to reach out of the screen and pull Thorne into the past, where he is killed. Finally, Thorne’s beautiful widow, Helen, is able to complete calculations and reverse the process that brought the dinosaurs to the present day and send them back to their own time.

I know, you’re probably thinking there’s no need to see a possible movie now that I’ve explained the best parts, but I’m still looking forward to seeing it on the big screen. After all, if nothing else, Crosby, Stills and Nash probably need the work.

 

 

 

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    WRECKAGE—Morenci Fire Department member Taylor Schisler walks past the smoking wreckage of a semi-truck tractor on the north side of the Norfolk and Southern Railroad tracks on Ranger Highway. The truck trailer was on the south side of the tracks
  • Front.sculpta
    SCULPTORS—Morenci third grade students Emersyn Thompson (left) and Marissa Lawrence turn spaghetti sticks into mini sculptures Friday during a class visit to Stair District Library. All Morenci Elementary School classes recently visited the library to experience the creative construction toys purchased through the “Sculptamania!” project, funded by a Disney Curiosity Creates grant. The grant is administered by the Association for Library Services to Children, a division of the American Library Association.
  • Funcolor
    LEONIE LEAHY was one of three local hair stylists who volunteered time Friday at the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Her customer, Aubrey Sandusky, looks up at her mother while her hair takes on a perfect match to her outfit. Leahy said she had a great time at the event—nothing but happy clients.
  • Shadow.salon
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  • KayseInField
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  • Front.winner
    REFEREE Camden Miller raises the hand of Morenci Jr. Dawgs wrestler Ryder Ryan as his opponent leaves the mat in disappointment. Morenci’s youth wrestling program served as host for a tournament Saturday morning to raise money for the club. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.bank.2
    SHERWOOD STATE Bank opened its Fayette office at a grand opening Friday morning, drawing a large crowd to view the renovated building. Above, Burt Blue talks to teller Cindy Funk, while his wife, Jackie, looks around the new office. The Blues missed the opening and took a quick tour on Tuesday. Few traces remain of the former grocery store and theater, however, part of the original brick wall still shows in the hallway leading to the back of the building. The drive-through window should be ready for customers later in the month.
  • Front.make.three
    FROM THE LEFT, Landon Wilkins, Ryan White and Logan Blaker try out their artistic skills Saturday afternoon at the Morenci PTO’s first Date to Create event. More than 50 people showed up to create decorated planks of wood to hang from rope. The event served as a fund-raiser for miscellaneous PTO projects. Additional photos are on the back of this week’s Observer.

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