2012.10.03 The next Paul Newman, a $500 date and more

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

No doubt you’ve heard of the millions of dollars raised for charity over the years by the food products company started by the late Paul Newman. Salad dressing, popcorn, lemonade and many other products featuring the actor’s image have raised huge donations for Newman’s favorite charities. Now another actor, to use the term somewhat loosely,  is looking to follow the same business model.

A recent shopping trip in Adrian resulted in me returning to Ohio with a box of “Larry the Cable Guy’s Corn Muffins.” It’s true, you might be a redneck if you buy muffins endorsed by a comedian.

And the muffins were one of 15 Larry the Cable Guy food products listed on the box. Others include triple cheese cheeseburger dinner, white cheddar mac and cheese with bacon, and two that I could believe Larry himself eats: beer bread and beer batter for fish.

On the box was the statement that “Each purchase supports Larry the Cable Guy’s Git-R-Done Foundation.” Don’t tell me, let me guess: the proceeds will go toward buying him sleeves for his flannel shirts?

Larry’s photo appears on the box four times, once with the advice that we can “make the muffins even better by adding shredded cheddar cheese.” I gave the muffin mix to a friend who offered to make and share them with me. Next time, I hope she won’t be generous enough to share.

Even with the cheese, Larry’s muffins were barely edible. Way too dry to eat by themselves, they were improved by breaking them into pieces and hiding them at the bottom of a bowl of chili or soup.

Even then, the last few muffins were moldy before I could use them all. Let this serve as a warning to Larry’s pals Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Ron White—I think I know what the Cable Guy will be giving you for Christmas. Now that I think about it, Jeff Foxworthy used to sell his own line of beef jerky. I hate to see what Engvall and White will come up with.

In other odd news, BioPet Vet Labs, a company in Knoxville, has developed a product sure to scare those people who don’t pick up after their dogs. The company’s new product, called Pooprints, uses DNA technology not unlike that utilized by real-life crime labs to identify the source of unscooped doggie doo-doo.

The idea is that management of condos, homeowner associations, or maybe even small towns could collect DNA samples from the mouths of registered dogs. If someone fails to pick up after their pet, a sample of the “violation” can be used to identify the dog responsible.

 Then the local poop police can deal with the owner of the guilty canine. When I think about the cost of all this, I suspect anyone owning a dog would seriously think of finding it a new home if they lived in an area considering the product. But would anyone really buy it? Why not just let the dogs poop in peace?

Next, it’s on to dating website What’sYourPrice.com, which has recently added Nadya Suleman, better known as the Octomom, to its list of clients willing to date winning bidders. Nadya’s minimum bid for a date is $500.

I can’t help thinking what would happen if the winning bidder ended up being someone who was somehow unaware of her claim to fame. Can’t you imagine the first date? They’re at a nice restaurant, just chatting, when her date asks her to tell him a little about herself.

What happens when she mentions she’s a single mom? Nothing much at first, probably, until she adds, “of 14—and I had eight of them at one time!” Maybe that’s something she should get out of the way before they meet.

Finally, there’s the story of the governor whose ignorance nearly cost him his life. Vermont governor Peter Shumlin was chased and nearly caught by four bears. Despite warnings from wildlife experts not to leave bird feeders out in areas inhabited by bears, Shumlin had several in his back yard.

In an even dumber move, he ran outside to try to save the feeders when he saw the two adult bears and two cubs in the yard. He said one of the adult bruins charged him on the back porch.

Shumlin told a newspaper that Vermont “almost lost the governor.” A man that reckless probably should be taking precautions. May I suggest he get a DNA swab done and filed away for future use? If Shumlin keeps taunting bears, his survivors may need it.

  • Front.train
    WRECKAGE—Morenci Fire Department member Taylor Schisler walks past the smoking wreckage of a semi-truck tractor on the north side of the Norfolk and Southern Railroad tracks on Ranger Highway. The truck trailer was on the south side of the tracks
  • Front.sculpta
    SCULPTORS—Morenci third grade students Emersyn Thompson (left) and Marissa Lawrence turn spaghetti sticks into mini sculptures Friday during a class visit to Stair District Library. All Morenci Elementary School classes recently visited the library to experience the creative construction toys purchased through the “Sculptamania!” project, funded by a Disney Curiosity Creates grant. The grant is administered by the Association for Library Services to Children, a division of the American Library Association.
  • Funcolor
    LEONIE LEAHY was one of three local hair stylists who volunteered time Friday at the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Her customer, Aubrey Sandusky, looks up at her mother while her hair takes on a perfect match to her outfit. Leahy said she had a great time at the event—nothing but happy clients.
  • Shadow.salon
    LEARNING THE ROPES—Kristy Castillo (left), co-owner of Mane Street Salon, works with Kendal Kuhn as Sierra Orner takes a phone call. The two Morenci Area High School juniors spent Friday at the salon as part of a job shadowing experience.
  • KayseInField
    IN THE FIELD—2004 Morenci graduate Kayse Onweller works in a test plot of wheat in Texas. She’s part of Bayer CropScience’s North American wheat breeding program based in Nebraska, where she completed post-graduate work in plant breeding and genetics.
  • Front.winner
    REFEREE Camden Miller raises the hand of Morenci Jr. Dawgs wrestler Ryder Ryan as his opponent leaves the mat in disappointment. Morenci’s youth wrestling program served as host for a tournament Saturday morning to raise money for the club. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.bank.2
    SHERWOOD STATE Bank opened its Fayette office at a grand opening Friday morning, drawing a large crowd to view the renovated building. Above, Burt Blue talks to teller Cindy Funk, while his wife, Jackie, looks around the new office. The Blues missed the opening and took a quick tour on Tuesday. Few traces remain of the former grocery store and theater, however, part of the original brick wall still shows in the hallway leading to the back of the building. The drive-through window should be ready for customers later in the month.
  • Front.make.three
    FROM THE LEFT, Landon Wilkins, Ryan White and Logan Blaker try out their artistic skills Saturday afternoon at the Morenci PTO’s first Date to Create event. More than 50 people showed up to create decorated planks of wood to hang from rope. The event served as a fund-raiser for miscellaneous PTO projects. Additional photos are on the back of this week’s Observer.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2016