2012.10.03 The next Paul Newman, a $500 date and more

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

No doubt you’ve heard of the millions of dollars raised for charity over the years by the food products company started by the late Paul Newman. Salad dressing, popcorn, lemonade and many other products featuring the actor’s image have raised huge donations for Newman’s favorite charities. Now another actor, to use the term somewhat loosely,  is looking to follow the same business model.

A recent shopping trip in Adrian resulted in me returning to Ohio with a box of “Larry the Cable Guy’s Corn Muffins.” It’s true, you might be a redneck if you buy muffins endorsed by a comedian.

And the muffins were one of 15 Larry the Cable Guy food products listed on the box. Others include triple cheese cheeseburger dinner, white cheddar mac and cheese with bacon, and two that I could believe Larry himself eats: beer bread and beer batter for fish.

On the box was the statement that “Each purchase supports Larry the Cable Guy’s Git-R-Done Foundation.” Don’t tell me, let me guess: the proceeds will go toward buying him sleeves for his flannel shirts?

Larry’s photo appears on the box four times, once with the advice that we can “make the muffins even better by adding shredded cheddar cheese.” I gave the muffin mix to a friend who offered to make and share them with me. Next time, I hope she won’t be generous enough to share.

Even with the cheese, Larry’s muffins were barely edible. Way too dry to eat by themselves, they were improved by breaking them into pieces and hiding them at the bottom of a bowl of chili or soup.

Even then, the last few muffins were moldy before I could use them all. Let this serve as a warning to Larry’s pals Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Ron White—I think I know what the Cable Guy will be giving you for Christmas. Now that I think about it, Jeff Foxworthy used to sell his own line of beef jerky. I hate to see what Engvall and White will come up with.

In other odd news, BioPet Vet Labs, a company in Knoxville, has developed a product sure to scare those people who don’t pick up after their dogs. The company’s new product, called Pooprints, uses DNA technology not unlike that utilized by real-life crime labs to identify the source of unscooped doggie doo-doo.

The idea is that management of condos, homeowner associations, or maybe even small towns could collect DNA samples from the mouths of registered dogs. If someone fails to pick up after their pet, a sample of the “violation” can be used to identify the dog responsible.

 Then the local poop police can deal with the owner of the guilty canine. When I think about the cost of all this, I suspect anyone owning a dog would seriously think of finding it a new home if they lived in an area considering the product. But would anyone really buy it? Why not just let the dogs poop in peace?

Next, it’s on to dating website What’sYourPrice.com, which has recently added Nadya Suleman, better known as the Octomom, to its list of clients willing to date winning bidders. Nadya’s minimum bid for a date is $500.

I can’t help thinking what would happen if the winning bidder ended up being someone who was somehow unaware of her claim to fame. Can’t you imagine the first date? They’re at a nice restaurant, just chatting, when her date asks her to tell him a little about herself.

What happens when she mentions she’s a single mom? Nothing much at first, probably, until she adds, “of 14—and I had eight of them at one time!” Maybe that’s something she should get out of the way before they meet.

Finally, there’s the story of the governor whose ignorance nearly cost him his life. Vermont governor Peter Shumlin was chased and nearly caught by four bears. Despite warnings from wildlife experts not to leave bird feeders out in areas inhabited by bears, Shumlin had several in his back yard.

In an even dumber move, he ran outside to try to save the feeders when he saw the two adult bears and two cubs in the yard. He said one of the adult bruins charged him on the back porch.

Shumlin told a newspaper that Vermont “almost lost the governor.” A man that reckless probably should be taking precautions. May I suggest he get a DNA swab done and filed away for future use? If Shumlin keeps taunting bears, his survivors may need it.

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