2012.09.05 Vermin in the White House?

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

Just think—it’s still two months until the presidential election. Haven’t those insufferable television commercials been going on for years?

No matter which major candidate you  prefer, you have to be tired of seeing his face in about every third commercial. In his own commercials, he’s featured as our nation’s savior; in his opponent’s spots, he’s the spawn of Satan.

 Too bad each can’t be required to purchase some commercial time for a  rival whose ads we might actually look forward to seeing. I’m thinking about little known candidate Vermin Love Supreme.

Supreme, who can be recognized by his habit of wearing a winter boot as a hat and carrying a giant toothbrush, has been running for various offices for years, including mayor of Detroit, even though he was a resident of Baltimore. He first  ran for president in 2004.

That year, he entered the Washington, DC, presidential primary and received 149 votes. In 2008, he entered the New Hampshire Republican primary, getting 41 votes (0.02%). In the general election, he received 43 votes nationally, according to the Federal Election Commission.

In 2012, Supreme became a Democrat  and has seen his voting totals skyrocket. In the New Hampshire  primary, Supreme garnered 833 votes, just over 48,000 behind the president. His percentage of the vote took a quantum leap to 1.37%.

Supreme seems to have gained traction with Democrats, maybe because of that toothbrush. It represents Supreme’s pledge to make toothbrushing mandatory if he is elected. It makes sense he would join the party that favors mandatory health insurance.

Some of his other issues, however, tend to be way out there. Take, for instance, his pledge to provide a pony for every American. Why? Are Americans begging for ponies? Supreme explained his reasoning to the Washington Post:

“Once every American has a pony, then I can—by fiat, executive order or something like that—dismantle the federal government with a snap of my magic fingers.” Wouldn’t you love to see this guy in a debate with Obama and Romney?

Then there’s his idea to provide federal funding of time travel research. Once it’s perfected, President Supreme’s goal is to go back in time and “kill Hitler with my bare hands.”

Supreme’s wildest ideas circle around his belief that there will be a zombie invasion which the government needs to prepare for. After our ultimate victory over the invaders, they will be put on zombie treadmills to help create clean, renewable energy.

In case you were wondering, yes, Supreme is married. When the Post asked Mrs. Supreme why she would make a good First Lady, she replied, “I really want to paint the White House, definitely rainbow...We’ll prepare the White House for the zombie invasion...We’ll definitely have a weather dome.” She also said that to help move her husband’s mandatory toothbrushing initiative forward, she would hold “flossing circles around the White House.”

You have to admit, she certainly seems to be on board with her husband’s aspirations. They say every politician needs a supportive wife.  And painting the White House? It’s been the same color for 200 years. If we’re going to have a wacky President, we might as well let his wife redecorate.

Supreme went to the Republican National Convention in Tampa last week to spread his message. As he wasn’t a delegate or invited guest, he spoke from outside the security entrance at the convention’s perimeter.

He chose to criticize candidate Mitt Romney. “Is Mitt gonna save you from the zombies?” he asked the crowd. “Because I will!”

I suppose it would be a nice change of pace to see Obama ads stating “Romney—he’s weak on zombies!” But since I haven’t heard any tough talk from the president on the zombie problem, I suspect he, as well as Romney, plan to ignore the issue.

But just think if Supreme had a budget for television advertising. Forget health care or the economy. Zombies would become the hot button issue of the day, along with mandatory toothbrushing and ponies, of course.

With the Democrat National Convention upon us, I suspect Supreme may be making a visit to the Charlotte convention site. He’s unlikely to miss a chance to spread the zombie message.

Maybe he can convince Obama to include him in a candidate debate. I can’t wait to see that giant toothbrush.

  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.snake
    Lannis Smith of the Leslie Science and Nature Center in Ann Arbor shows off a python last week at Stair District Library's Summer Reading Program.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Pipeline Spread
    LINED UP—Lengths of pipe were put in place last week along the route of the Rover natural gas pipeline that will stretch from Defiance, Ohio, to Ontario, Canada. Topsoil was removed before the pipes were laid out. The 42-inch diameter pipeline is scheduled for completion in November.
  • Front.F.school
    PROGRESS continues on the agriculture classroom addition at Fayette High School. The project will add 2,900 square feet of space and include an overhead door that would allow equipment to be driven inside. The building should be ready for the start of school in August. Work on ball fields and a running track is also underway.
  • Front.rock Study
    ROCKHOUNDS—From the left, Joseph McCullough, Sean Pagett and Jonathan McCullough peer through hand lenses to study rocks. The project is part of Morenci Elementary School’s summer camp that continues into August.

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