2012.03.21 300 columns down, more spleen venting to come

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

It’s hard to believe that 12 years have passed since I first started filling an available space on Page 2. This week’s effort is milestone column number 300 in the series. Can it really have been that long?

Heck, in March of 2000, Bill Clinton was president, I was living in Blissfield and my transportation came in the form of a rapidly failing 1983 Chevy Malibu. Since then, we’ve had two more presidents, I’ve owned four more automobiles including my recent purchase of a 2006 Buick and since late 2004, I’ve been living in Fayette.

One thing hasn’t changed, though, at least not yet. I’m still utilizing the same computer that I used to write column number one back in 2000. If Apple needs to talk to someone who still uses a Macintosh IIsi on a regular basis, I may be their only option. And if anyone needs some unused floppy disks, talk to me.

All those years ago, my first regular column was about Red Devil energy drink. I still have an unopened can sitting near the computer if someone out there is feeling adventurous. 

Shortly thereafter, I wrote about what I called the Miracle Box of Donuts. At the time, the box and remaining donuts had already hung out at the Observer office for nearly six months after I brought them to work. This December, they will be turning 13 years old. I should probably throw them a party-and serve slightly fresher refreshments.

The donuts weren’t the only odd subject over the years. There was the time the long-dead L. Ron Hubbard, father of Scientology, sent me a fax. I’m still wondering how he pulled that feat off. 

 Or the case of the talking carp. Back in 2003, a carp about to be butchered in a New York kosher fish market began speaking in Hebrew, warning about the end of the world. One employee cut his thumb during the excitement. While the owner took the injured worker to the hospital, another employee who didn’t understand Hebrew butchered the fish.

I’m still waiting for that $2.8 million dollars that James Doohan, better known as engineer Scotty on “Star Trek,” supposedly left me in his will. It has to be the most creative email scam I’ve ever received.

I’m also still waiting for that free 20 ounce Dr. Pepper the soda manufacturer promised everyone in the country if Axl Rose released the long-delayed “Chinese Democracy” CD in 2008. The CD was released, I filled out the form on the Doctor’s website, but I’m still thirsty.

Unfortunately, singer Greg Kihn hasn’t released any albums lately, so he still hasn’t used any of the suggested album titles I came up with back in 2005. I did learn there are more bad puns to be made with the name “Kihn” than you might think. After a while, the subject gets to be Kihnfusing.

In 2007, I wrote about Cheesy Onion Dip flavor Pringles, which got my attention with an ingredient list containing tilapia, Nile perch and fish gelatin, three things not often found in snack chips, at least ones I would ordinarily eat. 

I stumped the phone bank operator at Procter & Gamble, who had to call me back two weeks later with an explanation as to why the product contained fish. Not only is the flavor no longer made, P & G recently sold the brand to Kellogg. I wonder if Tony the Tiger will now be doing their ads? 

More recently, I wrote about envying Scott Hume, who operates the BurgerBusiness internet blog. He’s definitely the expert on burger restaurants, both here and abroad. I recently emailed him with a thought regarding his posting on McDonald’s upcoming Extra Value Menu and received an reply from him personally within ten minutes. That was pretty impressive. Or maybe he’s just lonely.

While reviewing past columns, It dawned on me that it’s been a while since I made a road trip. Back when my Aunt Sue was still alive, I looked forward to my yearly trip to St. Louis to help celebrate her birthday. Each year, I just missed rock legend Chuck Berry’s monthly appearance at a club near her home. I’ll have to find somewhere interesting to go in 2012.

As always, thanks to all the column subjects who have passed on, and to those still with us, making this the place for the obligatory Meat Loaf reference (Meat Loaf’s new CD, “Hell in a Handbasket,” is now in stores). If the Mayans turn out to be wrong about the end of the world, let’s meet back here in 2016 for column 400.

  • Front.tug
    MORENCI pep rallies generally end with a tug of war. The senior class entry, shown above, did not advance to the finals. Griffin Grieder, Alaina Webster, Kyle Long and Jazmin Smith are shown at the front of the rope, giving it their best effort.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Athletic Fields
    SPORTS COMPLEX—Fayette’s outdoor athletic facilities will include three ball fields for summer recreation leagues at the southwest corner of the school. The baseball and softball fields, along with the running track, will be constructed on the east side of the school. Outdoor athletic fields were not part of the new school project from 2007, but voters approved a $1.4 million levy for a school addition and the sports fields last August. Both projects are scheduled to be complete by July 20.
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.F.band
    TROMBONISTS Jake Myers (left) and Max Baker perform Friday at the annual Senior Citizens Luncheon at Fayette High School. The National Honor Society and the FFA chapter teamed up to serve a meal to area seniors and to provide musical entertainment. Both the school band and choir performed. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Station.2
    STRANGE STUFF—Morenci Elementary School students learn that blue isn’t really blue when seen through the right color of lens. Volunteer April Pike presents the lesson to students at one of the many stations brought to the school by the COSI science center. The theme of this year’s visit was the solar system.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2017