2011.08.24 Anyone have any answers? I have all the questions

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

I suppose there are a lot more important things in life to ponder than some of the stuff I wonder about, but add them all together and at least you’ll have a big pile of small questions. For example...

Every time I hear the song “Piano Man” by Billy Joel, I start thinking about the verse that starts “Paul is a real estate novelist who never had time for a wife...” Real estate novelist? What the heck is that? An author who writes novels about real estate? Is that a genre of literature only known to Mr. Joel and his fellow barflies in the song? How about it, Billy? Explain yourself, will you?

It’s hard to turn on a television without seeing reruns of “Seinfeld.” Even after stumbling across the same episodes for the twentieth or thirtieth time, Jerry is still tolerable, Elaine and George somewhat less so. But Kramer? Why did Jerry put up with him? I would have kept my door locked and looked for a new apartment (preferably far, far away), moving as soon as possible. But no, Jerry put up with the exasperating fool next door for the entire run of the series. Does that make any sense?

And how about those Jello pudding commercials with actors sporting grotesquely large “pudding face” smiles? That’s supposed to make me want the product? I think I’ll buy another brand that will leave my face alone.

Then there’s the 21st Century Insurance mime. A creepy mime is supposed to convince me to change insurance companies? Can he understand the hand signals I’m making when the commercial is on?

I realize I’m not in the product’s target audience, but does anyone else think Whoopi Goldberg’s advertisement for Poise is misguided? The product is for those suffering from a serious medical condition—is making fun of it a good idea? Will Whoopi do anything for money?

And how about her cohort on “The View,” Joy Behar? Does she have any discernible talent? If so, would someone mind telling me what it is? I know she is supposedly a comedienne, but where did that supposition come from?  Is there proof of her ever saying anything even remotely humorous? And HLN actually gave her an hour long show of her own? How far has the minimum level of talent necessary to host a show fallen? Who’s next to get their own show? Me?

Ever notice how whenever Behar makes what she apparently feels is a “joke,” she gets a big goofy grin on her face and looks from side to side, making sure we are listening? Actually, Joy, we’re asking ourselves: Why don’t we change the channel while we still have a few brain cells left? Is there a test pattern on somewhere we can watch instead?

 Many years ago, there used to be a product called “Absorbine, Jr.” I always used to wonder: Is there an Absorbine, Sr.? And if so, what happened to it? Finally after all these years, I’m now seeing ads for a similar product called simply “Absorbine.”  Did the old product drop the “Jr.” when it became an adult? 

And how about Uncle Ben’s converted rice? Was it converted from something else to rice? Or did it simply change its religion? If so, what religion was it before, and which one did it convert to?

Does anyone have an explanation for New York brand Texas Toast? Doesn’t using “New York” as a brand name for a product purportedly invented in Texas seem odd? Sort of like, say, San Antonio brand New York style bagels?

Is it just me, or is something happening to the pennies we get in change these days? Doesn’t it seem at least half are corroded to some extent, some of them so badly that they are almost unreadable? Are people picking them out of the debris in the bottom of their car cup holders after they’ve had a few years to rot along with the gum wrappers and spilled coffee? Why didn’t they just leave them there? Do we really need someone else’s decomposed small change in our own pockets?

That’s all the questions I have room for today. If anyone has any answers, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I have a pocketful of rotting pennies I need to take to the bank.

  • Front.bridge Cross
    STEP BY STEP—Wyatt Stevens of Morenci makes his way across a rope bridge Sunday during the Michigan DNR’s Great Outdoors Jamboree at Lake Hudson Recreation Area. The Tecumseh Boy Scout Troop constructed the bridge again this year after taking a break in 2016. The Jamboree offered a variety of activities for a wide range of age groups. Morenci’s Stair District Library set up activities again this year and had visits with dozens of kids. See the back page for additional photos.
  • Front.bridge.17
    LEADING THE WAY—The Morenci Area High School marching band led the way across the pedestrian bridge on Morenci’s south side for the annual Labor Day Bridge Walk. The Band Boosters shared profits from the sale of T-shirts with the walk’s sponsor, the Morenci Area Chamber of Commerce. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.eclipse
    LOOKING UP—More than 200 people showed up at Stair District Library Monday afternoon to view the big celestial event with free glasses provided by a grant from the Space Science Institute. The library offered craft activities from noon to 1 p.m., refreshments including Cosmic Cake from Zingerman’s Bakehouse and a live viewing of the eclipse from NASA on a large screen. As the sky darkened slightly, more and more people moved outside to the sidewalk to take a look at the shrinking sun. If you missed it, hang on for the next total eclipse in 2024 as the path comes even closer to this area.
  • Cecil
    THE MAYOR—Cecil Schoonover poses with a collection of garden gnomes that mysteriously arrive and disappear from his property. Along with the gnomes, someone created the sign stating that he is the Mayor of Gnomesville. He hasn’t yet tracked down the people involved in the prank, but he’s having a good time with the mystery.
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
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