2011.08.24 Anyone have any answers? I have all the questions

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

I suppose there are a lot more important things in life to ponder than some of the stuff I wonder about, but add them all together and at least you’ll have a big pile of small questions. For example...

Every time I hear the song “Piano Man” by Billy Joel, I start thinking about the verse that starts “Paul is a real estate novelist who never had time for a wife...” Real estate novelist? What the heck is that? An author who writes novels about real estate? Is that a genre of literature only known to Mr. Joel and his fellow barflies in the song? How about it, Billy? Explain yourself, will you?

It’s hard to turn on a television without seeing reruns of “Seinfeld.” Even after stumbling across the same episodes for the twentieth or thirtieth time, Jerry is still tolerable, Elaine and George somewhat less so. But Kramer? Why did Jerry put up with him? I would have kept my door locked and looked for a new apartment (preferably far, far away), moving as soon as possible. But no, Jerry put up with the exasperating fool next door for the entire run of the series. Does that make any sense?

And how about those Jello pudding commercials with actors sporting grotesquely large “pudding face” smiles? That’s supposed to make me want the product? I think I’ll buy another brand that will leave my face alone.

Then there’s the 21st Century Insurance mime. A creepy mime is supposed to convince me to change insurance companies? Can he understand the hand signals I’m making when the commercial is on?

I realize I’m not in the product’s target audience, but does anyone else think Whoopi Goldberg’s advertisement for Poise is misguided? The product is for those suffering from a serious medical condition—is making fun of it a good idea? Will Whoopi do anything for money?

And how about her cohort on “The View,” Joy Behar? Does she have any discernible talent? If so, would someone mind telling me what it is? I know she is supposedly a comedienne, but where did that supposition come from?  Is there proof of her ever saying anything even remotely humorous? And HLN actually gave her an hour long show of her own? How far has the minimum level of talent necessary to host a show fallen? Who’s next to get their own show? Me?

Ever notice how whenever Behar makes what she apparently feels is a “joke,” she gets a big goofy grin on her face and looks from side to side, making sure we are listening? Actually, Joy, we’re asking ourselves: Why don’t we change the channel while we still have a few brain cells left? Is there a test pattern on somewhere we can watch instead?

 Many years ago, there used to be a product called “Absorbine, Jr.” I always used to wonder: Is there an Absorbine, Sr.? And if so, what happened to it? Finally after all these years, I’m now seeing ads for a similar product called simply “Absorbine.”  Did the old product drop the “Jr.” when it became an adult? 

And how about Uncle Ben’s converted rice? Was it converted from something else to rice? Or did it simply change its religion? If so, what religion was it before, and which one did it convert to?

Does anyone have an explanation for New York brand Texas Toast? Doesn’t using “New York” as a brand name for a product purportedly invented in Texas seem odd? Sort of like, say, San Antonio brand New York style bagels?

Is it just me, or is something happening to the pennies we get in change these days? Doesn’t it seem at least half are corroded to some extent, some of them so badly that they are almost unreadable? Are people picking them out of the debris in the bottom of their car cup holders after they’ve had a few years to rot along with the gum wrappers and spilled coffee? Why didn’t they just leave them there? Do we really need someone else’s decomposed small change in our own pockets?

That’s all the questions I have room for today. If anyone has any answers, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I have a pocketful of rotting pennies I need to take to the bank.

  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.snake
    Lannis Smith of the Leslie Science and Nature Center in Ann Arbor shows off a python last week at Stair District Library's Summer Reading Program.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Pipeline Spread
    LINED UP—Lengths of pipe were put in place last week along the route of the Rover natural gas pipeline that will stretch from Defiance, Ohio, to Ontario, Canada. Topsoil was removed before the pipes were laid out. The 42-inch diameter pipeline is scheduled for completion in November.
  • Front.F.school
    PROGRESS continues on the agriculture classroom addition at Fayette High School. The project will add 2,900 square feet of space and include an overhead door that would allow equipment to be driven inside. The building should be ready for the start of school in August. Work on ball fields and a running track is also underway.
  • Front.rock Study
    ROCKHOUNDS—From the left, Joseph McCullough, Sean Pagett and Jonathan McCullough peer through hand lenses to study rocks. The project is part of Morenci Elementary School’s summer camp that continues into August.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2017