2011.08.24 Anyone have any answers? I have all the questions

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

I suppose there are a lot more important things in life to ponder than some of the stuff I wonder about, but add them all together and at least you’ll have a big pile of small questions. For example...

Every time I hear the song “Piano Man” by Billy Joel, I start thinking about the verse that starts “Paul is a real estate novelist who never had time for a wife...” Real estate novelist? What the heck is that? An author who writes novels about real estate? Is that a genre of literature only known to Mr. Joel and his fellow barflies in the song? How about it, Billy? Explain yourself, will you?

It’s hard to turn on a television without seeing reruns of “Seinfeld.” Even after stumbling across the same episodes for the twentieth or thirtieth time, Jerry is still tolerable, Elaine and George somewhat less so. But Kramer? Why did Jerry put up with him? I would have kept my door locked and looked for a new apartment (preferably far, far away), moving as soon as possible. But no, Jerry put up with the exasperating fool next door for the entire run of the series. Does that make any sense?

And how about those Jello pudding commercials with actors sporting grotesquely large “pudding face” smiles? That’s supposed to make me want the product? I think I’ll buy another brand that will leave my face alone.

Then there’s the 21st Century Insurance mime. A creepy mime is supposed to convince me to change insurance companies? Can he understand the hand signals I’m making when the commercial is on?

I realize I’m not in the product’s target audience, but does anyone else think Whoopi Goldberg’s advertisement for Poise is misguided? The product is for those suffering from a serious medical condition—is making fun of it a good idea? Will Whoopi do anything for money?

And how about her cohort on “The View,” Joy Behar? Does she have any discernible talent? If so, would someone mind telling me what it is? I know she is supposedly a comedienne, but where did that supposition come from?  Is there proof of her ever saying anything even remotely humorous? And HLN actually gave her an hour long show of her own? How far has the minimum level of talent necessary to host a show fallen? Who’s next to get their own show? Me?

Ever notice how whenever Behar makes what she apparently feels is a “joke,” she gets a big goofy grin on her face and looks from side to side, making sure we are listening? Actually, Joy, we’re asking ourselves: Why don’t we change the channel while we still have a few brain cells left? Is there a test pattern on somewhere we can watch instead?

 Many years ago, there used to be a product called “Absorbine, Jr.” I always used to wonder: Is there an Absorbine, Sr.? And if so, what happened to it? Finally after all these years, I’m now seeing ads for a similar product called simply “Absorbine.”  Did the old product drop the “Jr.” when it became an adult? 

And how about Uncle Ben’s converted rice? Was it converted from something else to rice? Or did it simply change its religion? If so, what religion was it before, and which one did it convert to?

Does anyone have an explanation for New York brand Texas Toast? Doesn’t using “New York” as a brand name for a product purportedly invented in Texas seem odd? Sort of like, say, San Antonio brand New York style bagels?

Is it just me, or is something happening to the pennies we get in change these days? Doesn’t it seem at least half are corroded to some extent, some of them so badly that they are almost unreadable? Are people picking them out of the debris in the bottom of their car cup holders after they’ve had a few years to rot along with the gum wrappers and spilled coffee? Why didn’t they just leave them there? Do we really need someone else’s decomposed small change in our own pockets?

That’s all the questions I have room for today. If anyone has any answers, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I have a pocketful of rotting pennies I need to take to the bank.

  • Front.little Ball
    Fayette's Demetrious Whiteside (left)Skylar Lester attempt to keep the ball from going out of bounds during Morenci's recent basketball tournament for fourth and fifth grade teams. Morenci's Andrew Schmidt stands by.
  • Front.tug
    MORENCI pep rallies generally end with a tug of war. The senior class entry, shown above, did not advance to the finals. Griffin Grieder, Alaina Webster, Kyle Long and Jazmin Smith are shown at the front of the rope, giving it their best effort.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Athletic Fields
    SPORTS COMPLEX—Fayette’s outdoor athletic facilities will include three ball fields for summer recreation leagues at the southwest corner of the school. The baseball and softball fields, along with the running track, will be constructed on the east side of the school. Outdoor athletic fields were not part of the new school project from 2007, but voters approved a $1.4 million levy for a school addition and the sports fields last August. Both projects are scheduled to be complete by July 20.
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.F.band
    TROMBONISTS Jake Myers (left) and Max Baker perform Friday at the annual Senior Citizens Luncheon at Fayette High School. The National Honor Society and the FFA chapter teamed up to serve a meal to area seniors and to provide musical entertainment. Both the school band and choir performed. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.

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