2011.08.24 Anyone have any answers? I have all the questions

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

I suppose there are a lot more important things in life to ponder than some of the stuff I wonder about, but add them all together and at least you’ll have a big pile of small questions. For example...

Every time I hear the song “Piano Man” by Billy Joel, I start thinking about the verse that starts “Paul is a real estate novelist who never had time for a wife...” Real estate novelist? What the heck is that? An author who writes novels about real estate? Is that a genre of literature only known to Mr. Joel and his fellow barflies in the song? How about it, Billy? Explain yourself, will you?

It’s hard to turn on a television without seeing reruns of “Seinfeld.” Even after stumbling across the same episodes for the twentieth or thirtieth time, Jerry is still tolerable, Elaine and George somewhat less so. But Kramer? Why did Jerry put up with him? I would have kept my door locked and looked for a new apartment (preferably far, far away), moving as soon as possible. But no, Jerry put up with the exasperating fool next door for the entire run of the series. Does that make any sense?

And how about those Jello pudding commercials with actors sporting grotesquely large “pudding face” smiles? That’s supposed to make me want the product? I think I’ll buy another brand that will leave my face alone.

Then there’s the 21st Century Insurance mime. A creepy mime is supposed to convince me to change insurance companies? Can he understand the hand signals I’m making when the commercial is on?

I realize I’m not in the product’s target audience, but does anyone else think Whoopi Goldberg’s advertisement for Poise is misguided? The product is for those suffering from a serious medical condition—is making fun of it a good idea? Will Whoopi do anything for money?

And how about her cohort on “The View,” Joy Behar? Does she have any discernible talent? If so, would someone mind telling me what it is? I know she is supposedly a comedienne, but where did that supposition come from?  Is there proof of her ever saying anything even remotely humorous? And HLN actually gave her an hour long show of her own? How far has the minimum level of talent necessary to host a show fallen? Who’s next to get their own show? Me?

Ever notice how whenever Behar makes what she apparently feels is a “joke,” she gets a big goofy grin on her face and looks from side to side, making sure we are listening? Actually, Joy, we’re asking ourselves: Why don’t we change the channel while we still have a few brain cells left? Is there a test pattern on somewhere we can watch instead?

 Many years ago, there used to be a product called “Absorbine, Jr.” I always used to wonder: Is there an Absorbine, Sr.? And if so, what happened to it? Finally after all these years, I’m now seeing ads for a similar product called simply “Absorbine.”  Did the old product drop the “Jr.” when it became an adult? 

And how about Uncle Ben’s converted rice? Was it converted from something else to rice? Or did it simply change its religion? If so, what religion was it before, and which one did it convert to?

Does anyone have an explanation for New York brand Texas Toast? Doesn’t using “New York” as a brand name for a product purportedly invented in Texas seem odd? Sort of like, say, San Antonio brand New York style bagels?

Is it just me, or is something happening to the pennies we get in change these days? Doesn’t it seem at least half are corroded to some extent, some of them so badly that they are almost unreadable? Are people picking them out of the debris in the bottom of their car cup holders after they’ve had a few years to rot along with the gum wrappers and spilled coffee? Why didn’t they just leave them there? Do we really need someone else’s decomposed small change in our own pockets?

That’s all the questions I have room for today. If anyone has any answers, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I have a pocketful of rotting pennies I need to take to the bank.

  • Play Practice
    DRAMA—Fayette schools, in conjunction with the Opera House Theater program, will present two plays Friday night at the Fayette Opera House. From the left is Autumn Black, Wyatt Mitchell, Elizabeth Myers, Jonah Perdue, Sam Myers (in the back) and Lauren Dale. Other cast members are Brynn Balmer, Mason Maginn, Ashtyn Dominique, Stephanie Munguia and Sierra Munguia. Jason Stuckey serves as the technician and Trinity Leady is the backstage manager. The plays will be performed during the day Friday for students and for the public at 7 p.m. Friday.
  • Front.F.school
    PROGRESS continues on the agriculture classroom addition at Fayette High School. The project will add 2,900 square feet of space and include an overhead door that would allow equipment to be driven inside. The building should be ready for the start of school in August. Work on ball fields and a running track is also underway.
  • Front.rover
    CLEARING THE WAY—Road crossings in the area on the construction route of the Rover natural gas pipeline are marked with poles and flags as preliminary work nears. Ditches and field entry points are covered with thick planks in many areas to support equipment for tree clearing operations. Actual pipeline construction is progressing across Ohio toward a collecting station near Defiance. That segment of the project is expected to wrap up in July. The 42-inch line through Michigan and into Ontario is scheduled for completion in November. The line is projected to transport 3.25 billion cubic feet of natural gas every day.
  • Front.geese
    ON THE MOVE—Six goslings head out on manuevers with their parents in an area lake. Baby waterfowl are showing up in lakes and ponds throughout the area.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.
  • Face Paint
    FUN NIGHT FUN—Savanna Miles sits patiently while Abbie White works on a face paint design Friday during the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Gracie Snead watches the progress after having spent time in the chair. Abbie was one of several volunteer painters, each creating their own unique look. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.

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