2011.02.09 Grab your checkbook, and let’s go car shopping

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

Did you make it to any of the recent auto shows in Detroit, Toledo or Grand Rapids? If so, what did you buy? They don’t put on those extravaganzas merely to entertain you, you know. They’re hoping you end up buying something.

If you’ve decided you would prefer to buy a pre-owned vehicle, I’ve gathered up another bunch of actual ads for actual vehicles, some almost as good as new. If nothing else, the ads are entertaining.

Consider this one, for example: “1994 Buick Roadmaster...car is in showroom shape, never been smoked in or had a muddy boot in it. $6,500 OBO.” Not pristine enough for you? Then maybe you’d prefer this: “1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Salon Brougham...50,600 original miles...2 owners in 31 years...back seat never sat in...$4,500 OBO.” Yes, an over 30-year-old four door automobile and they claim no one has ever sat in the rear seat. My first question would be “Are the rear doors welded shut?”  

If you find those descriptions a bit hard to swallow, I have a worse one: “2006 Chevy Monte Carlo SS...Dale Earnhardt’s old car.” I guess I’d be more inclined to believe that claim if Earnhardt hadn’t died five years before this car was built.

A dealer fell for someone passing along a story like this, but admitted it in the ad: “2004 Chevy Colorado. The guy that traded it said ‘Used to belong to John Denver.’ Upon some investigation, we discovered that John Denver passed away in 1997. This truck is a 2004. The guy must have been Rocky Mountain High.”

Someone else is advertising a 1968 Ford Mustang with the claim “famous military general prior owner.” The asking price is $29,500 and they won’t even reveal what general owned it. Maybe it’s that cartoon general in the car insurance ads.

Finally, I found an ad that I believe for a “famous” car: “1984 Cadillac Eldorado, celebrity owned car, Pearl Bailey and husband Louie Bellson, I have the provenance...$4,000.” You almost have to trust this story. If they were going to lie, they would have come up with a bigger name than Pearl Bailey and ask more than $4,000.

Or how about two vehicles for the price of one? I’ve got several choices in this category. Maybe a pair of 1946 Dodge pickup trucks? The ad says: “Two to make one good rat rod or street rod material, both have engines, have title, $1,200.” Or would you prefer a pair of 1960 Chevrolets? An El Camino and a Bel Air, $11,500 for the duo.

Too much money? We also have “1962-1963 Chevy Corvair coupes. Both have engines and are mostly complete. Many parts, both for $900 OBO.”

My favorite in this category is the person who has two 1987 Buick Regal Grand Nationals: “Loaded, with t-tops, two cars, one price. $13,500 OBO.” Sounds like a deal to me. Drive a cool car and have a twin for a spare.

But if you’re  mechanically inclined and on a budget, how about five, count ’em, five Geo Metros, 1990s through 1992s: “enough parts to make two good running cars, $995 OBO.”

If you like the idea of driving a Geo Metro but don’t want to have to build your own, someone has a 1992 convertible with new top and interior for $1,600 or “trade for a golf cart.” This is your opportunity to get that old golf cart out of your garage and replace it with a car the size of a golf cart.

Someone else has a 1963 Chevy Corvair van they’re willing to trade for a “16‘ boat, motor, trailer or small farm tractor.” Or how about this swap? “1984 Rolls Royce Silver Spur. Drive anywhere, perfect inside and out, driven every day, $18,500. Possible trade for B-model motorhome.” 

 I’ll end this with a few ads that are just plain fun. For instance: “2002 VW GTI...like new in and out, this car is arrest me red w/give me a ticket black glass.” Or a 2006 Ford F150 Supercab 4x2: “Yes, 4x2. 4x2s are hard to find. They’re shorter and hide behind the 4x4s.”

I think the owner of this 1969 Olds Delta 88 is limiting his market: “Serious players, gangsters, pimps and collectors only, please.” Anyone interested in calling about a 1954 Corvette for $130,000 should heed this warning: “Voice mail has fake female voice.” I’m actually more scared by the price.

Lastly, there’s a 1984 Buick Regal, “owned by a little old church lady and then by her pastor...good hot rod project.” Hot rod? What would the pastor say?

  • Front.train
    WRECKAGE—Morenci Fire Department member Taylor Schisler walks past the smoking wreckage of a semi-truck tractor on the north side of the Norfolk and Southern Railroad tracks on Ranger Highway. The truck trailer was on the south side of the tracks
  • Front.sculpta
    SCULPTORS—Morenci third grade students Emersyn Thompson (left) and Marissa Lawrence turn spaghetti sticks into mini sculptures Friday during a class visit to Stair District Library. All Morenci Elementary School classes recently visited the library to experience the creative construction toys purchased through the “Sculptamania!” project, funded by a Disney Curiosity Creates grant. The grant is administered by the Association for Library Services to Children, a division of the American Library Association.
  • Funcolor
    LEONIE LEAHY was one of three local hair stylists who volunteered time Friday at the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Her customer, Aubrey Sandusky, looks up at her mother while her hair takes on a perfect match to her outfit. Leahy said she had a great time at the event—nothing but happy clients.
  • Shadow.salon
    LEARNING THE ROPES—Kristy Castillo (left), co-owner of Mane Street Salon, works with Kendal Kuhn as Sierra Orner takes a phone call. The two Morenci Area High School juniors spent Friday at the salon as part of a job shadowing experience.
  • KayseInField
    IN THE FIELD—2004 Morenci graduate Kayse Onweller works in a test plot of wheat in Texas. She’s part of Bayer CropScience’s North American wheat breeding program based in Nebraska, where she completed post-graduate work in plant breeding and genetics.
  • Front.winner
    REFEREE Camden Miller raises the hand of Morenci Jr. Dawgs wrestler Ryder Ryan as his opponent leaves the mat in disappointment. Morenci’s youth wrestling program served as host for a tournament Saturday morning to raise money for the club. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.bank.2
    SHERWOOD STATE Bank opened its Fayette office at a grand opening Friday morning, drawing a large crowd to view the renovated building. Above, Burt Blue talks to teller Cindy Funk, while his wife, Jackie, looks around the new office. The Blues missed the opening and took a quick tour on Tuesday. Few traces remain of the former grocery store and theater, however, part of the original brick wall still shows in the hallway leading to the back of the building. The drive-through window should be ready for customers later in the month.
  • Front.make.three
    FROM THE LEFT, Landon Wilkins, Ryan White and Logan Blaker try out their artistic skills Saturday afternoon at the Morenci PTO’s first Date to Create event. More than 50 people showed up to create decorated planks of wood to hang from rope. The event served as a fund-raiser for miscellaneous PTO projects. Additional photos are on the back of this week’s Observer.

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