2010.12.15 It’s not Christmas without a stupid gift or two

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

I can’t believe they’re still offering the Chia Obama as a possible Christmas gift. I thought that bad idea would have disappeared with 2009’s after-Christmas sales, but it’s back. And now, it’s accompanied by the Chia Lincoln and Chia Washington.

It’s one thing to insult the current president, but to defile the memory of two of our most beloved chief executives by turning their heads into sprout factories? Besides, if you truly want to honor the current president, there’s a much more dignified choice.

The Danbury Mint is offering a Barack Obama porcelain collector doll. It’s 16 and a half inches tall and supposedly “bears a stunning resemblance...while accentuating his confident bearing and calm demeanor.” Just $158, it comes with a “hand-numbered bottom stamp,” apparently stamped on his...OK, forget I said it was dignified.

And don’t forget to buy a present or two for your pet, if you must. But please skip the Tire Biter chew toy. Start encouraging your dog to chew on tires and you’ll walk outside some morning and find a flat Firestone or two on your car, courtesy of Fido’s teeth.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to weird gifts. A couple of weeks ago, I thought I saw an ad for a website called Stupid.com with odd gifts, but never saw it repeated. Not sure if it was just a dream, I looked for the site and found it was real, tasteless, and hilarious.

After all, who wouldn’t like, say, a Barf Bags of the World Poster? Or, maybe, a Vibrating Head Massager? Or how about a pair of Freudian Slippers, guaranteed to make your feet look like Sigmund Freud, sort of. Then there’s the Pooping Santa Claus. Even the Stupid.com people are somewhat conflicted about this item.

“Sometimes the guy who says ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ has to ‘Go, Go, Go,’” starts the description. “We can’t claim this is the most tasteful thing we sell. In fact, it might be one of the lowest. Frankly, we’re ashamed of ourselves...but we’re offering it anyway.”

Another candidate for low taste might be the Toilet Mug, a 12 ounce ceramic mug that resembles...well, a toilet obviously. Or how about an Electronic Yodeling Pickle? A Wind-up Walking Light Bulb? Talking Toilet Paper Dispenser? I’ve got it, the Musical Washboard Tie!

Much higher in respectability would be the Jesus Saves Bank. The description offers this bonus: “Though it’s only made from hard rubber, your money is safe here. What thief would dare steal a bank shaped like a praying Jesus? More likely, he’ll drop in a few coins of his own, beg forgiveness, and be on his way.”

One Jesus bank buyer offered this review: “Gave it to my 60 year old brother. For the rest of the evening, he would glance at it and say, ‘That is just wrong.’ It was perfect!”

Need two different Jesus gifts? There’s also a Jesus Shaves Coffee Mug. Different religion? Then how about a Chewish Dog Toy for Jewish Dogs?

The site has a wide variety of political gag gifts, starting with the Obama’s Last Day Countdown Clock. I used to see similar items for sale with George W. Bush as the inspiration. Now, it’s Obama’s turn.

There’s also Nancy Pelosi Toilet Paper, a Hillary Clinton Nutcracker, Bill Clinton Corkscrew and in the clearance section, a John McCain Mask. Other than her own toilet paper, there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of Sarah Palin items, which gives me an idea.

How about a Sarah Palin Mrs. Potato Head? I can’t believe the folks at Potato Head World Headquarters haven’t already thought of this. They could even give you choices of wardrobe. I wonder how much they’ll pay me for the idea?

And don’t take it personally if you own any of these items. Last year, I made fun of the Snuggie, only to find out later that one of my friends actually owned one. That won’t be the case with the Sarah Palin Mrs. Potato Head, at least not yet.

And the Stupid.com site already has the perfect accessory for when the Palin Potato Head hits the market: Nacho Cheese Flavor Lip Balm. Potatoes and cheese, with the addition of a few sprouts from your Chia Obama. That would be the ideal combination for everyone on your Christmas list. Next year’s list, that is. For now, I’ll take that yodeling pickle.

  • Front.bridge Cross
    STEP BY STEP—Wyatt Stevens of Morenci makes his way across a rope bridge Sunday during the Michigan DNR’s Great Outdoors Jamboree at Lake Hudson Recreation Area. The Tecumseh Boy Scout Troop constructed the bridge again this year after taking a break in 2016. The Jamboree offered a variety of activities for a wide range of age groups. Morenci’s Stair District Library set up activities again this year and had visits with dozens of kids. See the back page for additional photos.
  • Front.bridge.17
    LEADING THE WAY—The Morenci Area High School marching band led the way across the pedestrian bridge on Morenci’s south side for the annual Labor Day Bridge Walk. The Band Boosters shared profits from the sale of T-shirts with the walk’s sponsor, the Morenci Area Chamber of Commerce. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.eclipse
    LOOKING UP—More than 200 people showed up at Stair District Library Monday afternoon to view the big celestial event with free glasses provided by a grant from the Space Science Institute. The library offered craft activities from noon to 1 p.m., refreshments including Cosmic Cake from Zingerman’s Bakehouse and a live viewing of the eclipse from NASA on a large screen. As the sky darkened slightly, more and more people moved outside to the sidewalk to take a look at the shrinking sun. If you missed it, hang on for the next total eclipse in 2024 as the path comes even closer to this area.
  • Cecil
    THE MAYOR—Cecil Schoonover poses with a collection of garden gnomes that mysteriously arrive and disappear from his property. Along with the gnomes, someone created the sign stating that he is the Mayor of Gnomesville. He hasn’t yet tracked down the people involved in the prank, but he’s having a good time with the mystery.
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Front.batter

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2017