2005.12.14 Dumb Christmas ideas for the shopping impaired

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

OK, people, only ten shopping days remain before Christmas and if you knew what you were going to buy, you’d have it already. Obviously, you’re running low on ideas for the perfect gift, so here’s a few possible presents I’m sure you haven’t even considered.

How about, say, a bar of vibrating soap? If it wasn’t already a bit of a task holding onto a wet, slippery lump of soap, Milwaukee’s Bead Shop has added a small motor to make it vibrate as well. Just $10 a bar, and the possibility of electrocution comes at no extra charge.

Or, for those families that fight the never-ending battle of whether the toilet seat should be left up or down, Texan Bill Bradford offers the Johnny-Light Toilet Lamp. For only $14, Bradford’s little brainstorm attaches on the underside of the seat and bathes the bowl in a fluorescent green light when the seat is up at night. Just the thing to help avoid late night surprises for one sex, while providing a clear target for the other.

While we’re on the subject of water, how about an Aqua Tie? For only $95, inventor Gary Fisher offers up custom-made neckwear containing gravel, plants, a miniature scuba diver, air pump and five live goldfish. Sounds like fun, eh? Well, probably not for the goldfish.

If you are the type of person who wouldn’t want to imprison goldfish inside a tie, the folks at PETA have an alternate idea, the Katcha Bug scoop and release tool. Available for only $7 from the PETA catalog, the contraption is said to allow you to safely catch pesky bugs and release them outside unharmed.

Or for the same $7, you could buy a pair of In-Souls, shoe inserts imprinted with Bible verses. Their slogan is “Stand on the Word of God.”  Wouldn’t it be easier just to read the book?

For the music fan on your list, how about a watch with a band made from the guitar strap or leather jacket of a famous rock star? Musicians such as Bon Jovi’s Richie Sambora and Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers have donated items to the project, with all proceeds going to charity. Each watch costs $120 to $160 and is numbered and embossed on the back with the celebrity’s name and item the band was made from.

Have a thrill seeker on your list and $14,500 to spend? Then Australia’s ScubaDoo company has the personal submarine for you. Able to dive up to 40 feet and travel at 3 mph, they haven’t had an “incident” in 60,000 dives, the company’s CEO claims. Care to test the odds?

Or perhaps you’d like to spend $20,000 on a suitcase? The Henk company has just such an item available. The suitcase is said to be made of carbon fiber and the same wood used in the dashboard of the Bentley automobile. I’d think the 20 grand would be better spent on a used Bentley, but I’m not the type of person who would spend $108,000 on a pocket knife, either.

That’s right, $108,000 for a Swiss Army knife. As if the original weren’t pricey enough, the makers of the Swiss Army knife are celebrating its 120th anniversary with a limited run of 120 special knives. Adorned with 800 diamonds set in yellow gold or platinum, prices range from $76,000 to $108,000. And they’re going fast.

Maybe your gift recipient would  rather display their precious stones where everyone can see them. In that case, a set of Asanti Jewel Wheels for their car is just the thing. Featuring 63,000 carats of cubic zirconium stones in any of four colors, only $250,000 will brighten up the ride of that hard-to-buy-for person. And get this, Asanti will throw in one year of bodyguard service at no extra cost, helping to ensure no one runs off with your friend’s Yugo just to get the wheels.

Finally, how about a gift for that person who always stresses out over last minute shopping? Chicago’s SkinnyCorp has the answer for the person victimized by the lousy drivers who seem to come out of the woodwork this time of year. Just $10 gets you a package of 20 “I Park Like An Idiot” bumpers stickers. Slap them on the cars of offending drivers and feel those holiday blues melt away. Bodyguard not included.

  - Dec. 14, 2005

 

  • Shadow.salon
    LEARNING THE ROPES—Kristy Castillo (left), co-owner of Mane Street Salon, works with Kendal Kuhn as Sierra Orner takes a phone call. The two Morenci Area High School juniors spent Friday at the salon as part of a job shadowing experience.
  • KayseInField
    IN THE FIELD—2004 Morenci graduate Kayse Onweller works in a test plot of wheat in Texas. She’s part of Bayer CropScience’s North American wheat breeding program based in Nebraska, where she completed post-graduate work in plant breeding and genetics.
  • Front.winner
    REFEREE Camden Miller raises the hand of Morenci Jr. Dawgs wrestler Ryder Ryan as his opponent leaves the mat in disappointment. Morenci’s youth wrestling program served as host for a tournament Saturday morning to raise money for the club. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.bank.2
    SHERWOOD STATE Bank opened its Fayette office at a grand opening Friday morning, drawing a large crowd to view the renovated building. Above, Burt Blue talks to teller Cindy Funk, while his wife, Jackie, looks around the new office. The Blues missed the opening and took a quick tour on Tuesday. Few traces remain of the former grocery store and theater, however, part of the original brick wall still shows in the hallway leading to the back of the building. The drive-through window should be ready for customers later in the month.
  • Front.carry.casket
    CARRYING—Riley Terry (blue jacket) and Mason Vaughn lead the way, carrying an empty casket outside to the hearse waiting at the curb. Morenci juniors and seniors visited Eagle Funeral Home last week to learn about the role of a funeral director and to understand the process of arranging for a funeral.
  • Front.lift
    MORENCI student Dalton McCowan puts everything into a dead lift attempt Saturday morning during the Wyseguy Push/Pull event. Lifters helped raise more than $1,600 for the family of the late Devin Wyse, a former Morenci power-lifter who graduated last year. Commemorative T-shirts are still available by contacting teacher Dan Hoffman.
  • Front.make.three
    FROM THE LEFT, Landon Wilkins, Ryan White and Logan Blaker try out their artistic skills Saturday afternoon at the Morenci PTO’s first Date to Create event. More than 50 people showed up to create decorated planks of wood to hang from rope. The event served as a fund-raiser for miscellaneous PTO projects. Additional photos are on the back of this week’s Observer.

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