2005.12.14 Dumb Christmas ideas for the shopping impaired

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

OK, people, only ten shopping days remain before Christmas and if you knew what you were going to buy, you’d have it already. Obviously, you’re running low on ideas for the perfect gift, so here’s a few possible presents I’m sure you haven’t even considered.

How about, say, a bar of vibrating soap? If it wasn’t already a bit of a task holding onto a wet, slippery lump of soap, Milwaukee’s Bead Shop has added a small motor to make it vibrate as well. Just $10 a bar, and the possibility of electrocution comes at no extra charge.

Or, for those families that fight the never-ending battle of whether the toilet seat should be left up or down, Texan Bill Bradford offers the Johnny-Light Toilet Lamp. For only $14, Bradford’s little brainstorm attaches on the underside of the seat and bathes the bowl in a fluorescent green light when the seat is up at night. Just the thing to help avoid late night surprises for one sex, while providing a clear target for the other.

While we’re on the subject of water, how about an Aqua Tie? For only $95, inventor Gary Fisher offers up custom-made neckwear containing gravel, plants, a miniature scuba diver, air pump and five live goldfish. Sounds like fun, eh? Well, probably not for the goldfish.

If you are the type of person who wouldn’t want to imprison goldfish inside a tie, the folks at PETA have an alternate idea, the Katcha Bug scoop and release tool. Available for only $7 from the PETA catalog, the contraption is said to allow you to safely catch pesky bugs and release them outside unharmed.

Or for the same $7, you could buy a pair of In-Souls, shoe inserts imprinted with Bible verses. Their slogan is “Stand on the Word of God.”  Wouldn’t it be easier just to read the book?

For the music fan on your list, how about a watch with a band made from the guitar strap or leather jacket of a famous rock star? Musicians such as Bon Jovi’s Richie Sambora and Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers have donated items to the project, with all proceeds going to charity. Each watch costs $120 to $160 and is numbered and embossed on the back with the celebrity’s name and item the band was made from.

Have a thrill seeker on your list and $14,500 to spend? Then Australia’s ScubaDoo company has the personal submarine for you. Able to dive up to 40 feet and travel at 3 mph, they haven’t had an “incident” in 60,000 dives, the company’s CEO claims. Care to test the odds?

Or perhaps you’d like to spend $20,000 on a suitcase? The Henk company has just such an item available. The suitcase is said to be made of carbon fiber and the same wood used in the dashboard of the Bentley automobile. I’d think the 20 grand would be better spent on a used Bentley, but I’m not the type of person who would spend $108,000 on a pocket knife, either.

That’s right, $108,000 for a Swiss Army knife. As if the original weren’t pricey enough, the makers of the Swiss Army knife are celebrating its 120th anniversary with a limited run of 120 special knives. Adorned with 800 diamonds set in yellow gold or platinum, prices range from $76,000 to $108,000. And they’re going fast.

Maybe your gift recipient would  rather display their precious stones where everyone can see them. In that case, a set of Asanti Jewel Wheels for their car is just the thing. Featuring 63,000 carats of cubic zirconium stones in any of four colors, only $250,000 will brighten up the ride of that hard-to-buy-for person. And get this, Asanti will throw in one year of bodyguard service at no extra cost, helping to ensure no one runs off with your friend’s Yugo just to get the wheels.

Finally, how about a gift for that person who always stresses out over last minute shopping? Chicago’s SkinnyCorp has the answer for the person victimized by the lousy drivers who seem to come out of the woodwork this time of year. Just $10 gets you a package of 20 “I Park Like An Idiot” bumpers stickers. Slap them on the cars of offending drivers and feel those holiday blues melt away. Bodyguard not included.

  - Dec. 14, 2005

 

  • Front.geese
    ON THE MOVE—Six goslings head out on manuevers with their parents in an area lake. Baby waterfowl are showing up in lakes and ponds throughout the area.
  • Front.little Ball
    Fayette's Demetrious Whiteside (left)Skylar Lester attempt to keep the ball from going out of bounds during Morenci's recent basketball tournament for fourth and fifth grade teams. Morenci's Andrew Schmidt stands by.
  • Front.tug
    MORENCI pep rallies generally end with a tug of war. The senior class entry, shown above, did not advance to the finals. Griffin Grieder, Alaina Webster, Kyle Long and Jazmin Smith are shown at the front of the rope, giving it their best effort.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Athletic Fields
    SPORTS COMPLEX—Fayette’s outdoor athletic facilities will include three ball fields for summer recreation leagues at the southwest corner of the school. The baseball and softball fields, along with the running track, will be constructed on the east side of the school. Outdoor athletic fields were not part of the new school project from 2007, but voters approved a $1.4 million levy for a school addition and the sports fields last August. Both projects are scheduled to be complete by July 20.
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.F.band
    TROMBONISTS Jake Myers (left) and Max Baker perform Friday at the annual Senior Citizens Luncheon at Fayette High School. The National Honor Society and the FFA chapter teamed up to serve a meal to area seniors and to provide musical entertainment. Both the school band and choir performed. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.

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