2007.11.07 Hey, Scotty! Why not beam me down that $2,800,000?

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

Now I know what it’s like to be a reader of this column. For the past 10 days or so, I’ve been suffering from bursitis. It’s resulted in a great deal of discomfort in my right arm, shoulder and neck. For once, it’s probably causing me as much pain to write this little communiqué as it does you to read it.

Since I’ve never had anything remotely like this condition before, wild thoughts ran through my head when one morning I woke up with unexplained pain over much of my right side. What in the heck is wrong with me? Will it go away on its own? What if it was a small stroke? Should I see a doctor? Is there a handgun in the house?

I remembered the story of one of my heroes, the late singer-songwriter Warren Zevon. Not having seen a physician in over 20 years, Warren finally went to a specialist when what he thought was shortness of breath wouldn’t go away. He went home with a diagnosis of cancer and three months to live. “One of those phobias that didn’t pay off,” he called it later. I phoned a friend known for her expertise as a chauffeur and made my way to the doctor.

Finding out what I really had was a bit of a relief, and learning from a professional that my blood pressure was very good was a big bonus. At least it’s one less thing to worry about.

Hearing the news made my much-older sister’s week. Her husband Gary answered the phone and had some compassion for me, but I could hear Sandy laughing all the way to the phone. “That’s what you get for making fun of me!” were her first words. And it didn’t get much better from there. “Even I’ve never had bursitis,” she added, making me feel older than...her, at least. Old person’s revenge, there’s nothing like it. I wonder if she can get me the geezer family discount on an AARP membership?

But the week wasn’t all bad. There was that $2.8 million dollars I inherited. At least the internet message sure sounded convincing. Instead of falling into my lap, this money seems to have dropped out of orbit into my e-mail.

If I am to believe “Barrister Kenneth Curtis, Esq.,” I am a beneficiary to the will of James Doohan, the beloved “Scotty” of “Star Trek” fame. That seemed  rather far-fetched until I read on.

Barrister Curtis tells me that Mr. Doohan had loved to be involved in humanitarian projects and had won numerous awards for his philanthropy. He adds that Doohan “must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his friends abroad who wished you good.” Instead of wishing me “well,” Mr. Curtis? Grammar aside, that must be the answer. Since I never met James Doohan, it must have been Mr. Spock who told him of me. Or maybe Captain Kirk himself!

The next paragraph seemed to fill in the blanks as  Mr. Curtis added that Mr. Doohan intends the money to support my “humanitarian activities.” That kind of explains it all. Obviously, animal lover William Shatner was somehow aware of my Fayette Ranch for Homeless Snuggle Bears (current population: seven) and passed the word along to Doohan, something of a big bear himself. Just like that, I’m in the will.

But I haven’t spent the money yet. I got a kick out of the fact that a famous person has supposedly mentioned me in his will instead of a run-of-the-mill money laundering scheme that most of these cyberscams take the form of.

It’s a nice touch to use a common name and English address instead of the Nigerian home and unpronounceable names involved in most scams. But I’m bright enough to recognize that ‘Barrister Curtis’s” e-mail address isn’t from the UK, but rather “HK.” Hong Kong, perhaps?

Plus, I’m puzzled why a letter supposedly from London is filled with so many grammatical mistakes and misuses of words. You’d think one of these scammers would hire a proofreader to make the letter seem like it came from a lawyer in command of his own language.

As tempting as it sounds, I think I’m going to have to let this opportunity pass. As long as the bursitis is hanging on, one pain in the neck is enough.

  • Cecil
    THE MAYOR—Cecil Schoonover poses with a collection of garden gnomes that mysteriously arrive and disappear from his property. Along with the gnomes, someone created the sign stating that he is the Mayor of Gnomesville. He hasn’t yet tracked down the people involved in the prank, but he’s having a good time with the mystery.
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.snake
    Lannis Smith of the Leslie Science and Nature Center in Ann Arbor shows off a python last week at Stair District Library's Summer Reading Program.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Pipeline Spread
    LINED UP—Lengths of pipe were put in place last week along the route of the Rover natural gas pipeline that will stretch from Defiance, Ohio, to Ontario, Canada. Topsoil was removed before the pipes were laid out. The 42-inch diameter pipeline is scheduled for completion in November.
  • Front.rock Study
    ROCKHOUNDS—From the left, Joseph McCullough, Sean Pagett and Jonathan McCullough peer through hand lenses to study rocks. The project is part of Morenci Elementary School’s summer camp that continues into August.

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