2007.11.07 Hey, Scotty! Why not beam me down that $2,800,000?

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY

Now I know what it’s like to be a reader of this column. For the past 10 days or so, I’ve been suffering from bursitis. It’s resulted in a great deal of discomfort in my right arm, shoulder and neck. For once, it’s probably causing me as much pain to write this little communiqué as it does you to read it.

Since I’ve never had anything remotely like this condition before, wild thoughts ran through my head when one morning I woke up with unexplained pain over much of my right side. What in the heck is wrong with me? Will it go away on its own? What if it was a small stroke? Should I see a doctor? Is there a handgun in the house?

I remembered the story of one of my heroes, the late singer-songwriter Warren Zevon. Not having seen a physician in over 20 years, Warren finally went to a specialist when what he thought was shortness of breath wouldn’t go away. He went home with a diagnosis of cancer and three months to live. “One of those phobias that didn’t pay off,” he called it later. I phoned a friend known for her expertise as a chauffeur and made my way to the doctor.

Finding out what I really had was a bit of a relief, and learning from a professional that my blood pressure was very good was a big bonus. At least it’s one less thing to worry about.

Hearing the news made my much-older sister’s week. Her husband Gary answered the phone and had some compassion for me, but I could hear Sandy laughing all the way to the phone. “That’s what you get for making fun of me!” were her first words. And it didn’t get much better from there. “Even I’ve never had bursitis,” she added, making me feel older than...her, at least. Old person’s revenge, there’s nothing like it. I wonder if she can get me the geezer family discount on an AARP membership?

But the week wasn’t all bad. There was that $2.8 million dollars I inherited. At least the internet message sure sounded convincing. Instead of falling into my lap, this money seems to have dropped out of orbit into my e-mail.

If I am to believe “Barrister Kenneth Curtis, Esq.,” I am a beneficiary to the will of James Doohan, the beloved “Scotty” of “Star Trek” fame. That seemed  rather far-fetched until I read on.

Barrister Curtis tells me that Mr. Doohan had loved to be involved in humanitarian projects and had won numerous awards for his philanthropy. He adds that Doohan “must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his friends abroad who wished you good.” Instead of wishing me “well,” Mr. Curtis? Grammar aside, that must be the answer. Since I never met James Doohan, it must have been Mr. Spock who told him of me. Or maybe Captain Kirk himself!

The next paragraph seemed to fill in the blanks as  Mr. Curtis added that Mr. Doohan intends the money to support my “humanitarian activities.” That kind of explains it all. Obviously, animal lover William Shatner was somehow aware of my Fayette Ranch for Homeless Snuggle Bears (current population: seven) and passed the word along to Doohan, something of a big bear himself. Just like that, I’m in the will.

But I haven’t spent the money yet. I got a kick out of the fact that a famous person has supposedly mentioned me in his will instead of a run-of-the-mill money laundering scheme that most of these cyberscams take the form of.

It’s a nice touch to use a common name and English address instead of the Nigerian home and unpronounceable names involved in most scams. But I’m bright enough to recognize that ‘Barrister Curtis’s” e-mail address isn’t from the UK, but rather “HK.” Hong Kong, perhaps?

Plus, I’m puzzled why a letter supposedly from London is filled with so many grammatical mistakes and misuses of words. You’d think one of these scammers would hire a proofreader to make the letter seem like it came from a lawyer in command of his own language.

As tempting as it sounds, I think I’m going to have to let this opportunity pass. As long as the bursitis is hanging on, one pain in the neck is enough.

  • Front.pokemon
    LATEST CRAZE—David Cortes (left) and Ty Kruse, along with Jerred Heselschwerdt (standing), consult their smartphones while engaging in the game of Pokémon Go. The virtual scavenger hunt comes to life when players are in the vicinity of gyms, such as Stair District Library, and PokéStops such as the fire station across the street. The boys had spent time Monday morning searching for Pokémon at Wakefield Park.
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    on your mark, get set, drum!—Drew Joughin (black shirt), Maddox Joughin and Kaleea Braun took the front row last week when Angela Rettle and assistants led the Stair District Library Summer Reading Program kids in a session of cardio drumming. The sports and healthy living theme continued yesterday with a Mini Jamboree at Lake Hudson State Park arranged by the Michigan Department of Natural Resources. Next week’s program features the Flying Aces Frisbee show.
  • Girls.on.ride
    NADIYA YORK and Aniston Valentine take a spin on the Casino, one of the rides offered at Wakefield Park during Morenci’s Town and Country Festival. This year’s festival remained dry but with plenty of heat during the three-day run. Additional photographs are inside this week’s Observer.
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    Angela Davis (2) and teammate Allison VanBrandt break into a jig after Morenci's softball team won its third consecutive regional title.
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    ART PARK—A design created by Poggemeyer Design Group shows a “pocket art park” in the green space south of the State Line Observer building. The proposal includes a 12-foot sculpture based on a design created by Morenci sixth grade student Klara Wesley through a school and library collaboration. A wooden band shell is located at the back of the lot. The Observer wall would be covered with a synthetic stucco material. City council members are considering ways to fund the estimated $125,000 project and perhaps tackling construction one step at a time.
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    WRECKAGE—Morenci Fire Department member Taylor Schisler walks past the smoking wreckage of a semi-truck tractor on the north side of the Norfolk and Southern Railroad tracks on Ranger Highway. The truck trailer was on the south side of the tracks
  • Funcolor
    LEONIE LEAHY was one of three local hair stylists who volunteered time Friday at the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Her customer, Aubrey Sandusky, looks up at her mother while her hair takes on a perfect match to her outfit. Leahy said she had a great time at the event—nothing but happy clients.
  • KayseInField
    IN THE FIELD—2004 Morenci graduate Kayse Onweller works in a test plot of wheat in Texas. She’s part of Bayer CropScience’s North American wheat breeding program based in Nebraska, where she completed post-graduate work in plant breeding and genetics.
  • Front.soccer.balls
    BEVY OF BALLS—Stair District Library Summer Reading Program VolunTeens, including Libby Rorick, back left and Ty Kruse, back right, threw a dozen inflatable soccer balls into the crowd during a reading of “Sergio Saves the Game.” The sports-themed program continues on Wednesdays through July 27.
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  • Shadow.salon

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