2006.05.10 Chuck Norris

Written by David Green.


Heard any good Chuck Norris jokes lately? If you haven’t, count yourself fortunate as literally thousands of them are floating around the Internet. The star of television’s “Walker, Texas Ranger” is enjoying new fame in cyberspace. It’s quite a collection of lame, obscene and sometimes bewildering attempts at humor.

However, some of the jokes are pretty good, so I’ve rewritten a few of the best for grammar, length and suitability for a family newspaper. Enjoy, but remember, Chuck Norris is always right behind you.    

The first group of jokes fall under the general category of everyone is afraid of Chuck Norris. For example, before he goes to bed at night, the bogeyman always checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Google won’t search for Chuck Norris. It knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you are driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris cut you off, just thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.

Chuck Norris never fills in his income tax returns. He just sends back blank forms and his photograph. Chuck Norris always gets a refund.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, whatever you do, never ask for his three-hole punch.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared to question his motives.

THEN there’s a group of random Chuck Norris facts, like Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch because he decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris’ favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N Gravel.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

When Chuck Norris took his SAT’s, he wrote down “Chuck Norris” for every answer. He got a perfect score.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by five.

Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He just stares at them until they give him the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random homes and the owners move.

The term “dead ringer” refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and doesn’t turn their cell phone off.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

THERE’S also the Chuck Norris twist on famous sayings, such as:

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

The best part of waking up is not Folger’s in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you while you slept.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink...unless you’re Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris talks, everyone listens...or dies.

When you say, “No one’s perfect,” Chuck Norris considers it a personal insult.

FINALLY, there’s the Chuck Norris in history jokes. Like President Roosevelt’s famous statement that “We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and Chuck Norris.”

Or, when God said, “Let there be light,” Chuck Norris replied, “Say ‘please.’ ”

Or the “fact” that Chuck built a time machine and when back to 1963 to stop the Kennedy assassination. When Oswald fired, Chuck Norris deflected the bullets with his beard. Unfortunately, JFK was so amazed, his head exploded.

In closing, I should point out that Chuck’s singing performance of the “Walker” theme might just be the funniest Chuck Norris joke of all. But then, I remembered another of those sayings: “He who laughs lasts, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris...dies.” 

I think I’d better go hide now.

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