2006.05.10 Chuck Norris

Written by David Green.

By RICH FOLEY 

Heard any good Chuck Norris jokes lately? If you haven’t, count yourself fortunate as literally thousands of them are floating around the Internet. The star of television’s “Walker, Texas Ranger” is enjoying new fame in cyberspace. It’s quite a collection of lame, obscene and sometimes bewildering attempts at humor.

However, some of the jokes are pretty good, so I’ve rewritten a few of the best for grammar, length and suitability for a family newspaper. Enjoy, but remember, Chuck Norris is always right behind you.    

The first group of jokes fall under the general category of everyone is afraid of Chuck Norris. For example, before he goes to bed at night, the bogeyman always checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Google won’t search for Chuck Norris. It knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you are driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris cut you off, just thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.

Chuck Norris never fills in his income tax returns. He just sends back blank forms and his photograph. Chuck Norris always gets a refund.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, whatever you do, never ask for his three-hole punch.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared to question his motives.

THEN there’s a group of random Chuck Norris facts, like Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch because he decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris’ favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N Gravel.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

When Chuck Norris took his SAT’s, he wrote down “Chuck Norris” for every answer. He got a perfect score.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by five.

Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He just stares at them until they give him the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random homes and the owners move.

The term “dead ringer” refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and doesn’t turn their cell phone off.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

THERE’S also the Chuck Norris twist on famous sayings, such as:

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

The best part of waking up is not Folger’s in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you while you slept.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink...unless you’re Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris talks, everyone listens...or dies.

When you say, “No one’s perfect,” Chuck Norris considers it a personal insult.

FINALLY, there’s the Chuck Norris in history jokes. Like President Roosevelt’s famous statement that “We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and Chuck Norris.”

Or, when God said, “Let there be light,” Chuck Norris replied, “Say ‘please.’ ”

Or the “fact” that Chuck built a time machine and when back to 1963 to stop the Kennedy assassination. When Oswald fired, Chuck Norris deflected the bullets with his beard. Unfortunately, JFK was so amazed, his head exploded.

In closing, I should point out that Chuck’s singing performance of the “Walker” theme might just be the funniest Chuck Norris joke of all. But then, I remembered another of those sayings: “He who laughs lasts, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris...dies.” 

I think I’d better go hide now.

  • Front.little Ball
    Fayette's Demetrious Whiteside (left)Skylar Lester attempt to keep the ball from going out of bounds during Morenci's recent basketball tournament for fourth and fifth grade teams. Morenci's Andrew Schmidt stands by.
  • Front.tug
    MORENCI pep rallies generally end with a tug of war. The senior class entry, shown above, did not advance to the finals. Griffin Grieder, Alaina Webster, Kyle Long and Jazmin Smith are shown at the front of the rope, giving it their best effort.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Athletic Fields
    SPORTS COMPLEX—Fayette’s outdoor athletic facilities will include three ball fields for summer recreation leagues at the southwest corner of the school. The baseball and softball fields, along with the running track, will be constructed on the east side of the school. Outdoor athletic fields were not part of the new school project from 2007, but voters approved a $1.4 million levy for a school addition and the sports fields last August. Both projects are scheduled to be complete by July 20.
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.F.band
    TROMBONISTS Jake Myers (left) and Max Baker perform Friday at the annual Senior Citizens Luncheon at Fayette High School. The National Honor Society and the FFA chapter teamed up to serve a meal to area seniors and to provide musical entertainment. Both the school band and choir performed. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2017