The Weekly Newspaper serving the citizens of Morenci, Mich., Fayette, Ohio, and surrounding areas.

  • Front.cheers
    MACEE BEERS joins other Fayette Elementary School students for the annual Mini-Cheer performance during the half-time break at the basketball game.
  • Family.3.wide
    CHILDREN at Stair District Library’s Family Story Time toss scarves into the air during an activity. The evening program provided a mix of stories, songs, dancing, crafts and snacks Monday evening. The program is offered at 5:30 p.m. every Monday for five more weeks. The program is designed for three to five year olds and their family.
  • Front.newpaper.2
    THE INTERVIEW—Evelyn Joughin (right) records the interaction with an iPad while Jack Varga, next to her, asks questions of Morenci Elementary School principal Gail Frey. Morenci senior Sam Cool (standing) listens. Cool serves as the editor for the newspaper written by members of Mrs. Barrett’s second grade class.
  • Front.code.2
    WRITING CODE—Brock Christle (left), a Morenci fifth grade student, takes a look at the progress being made by fourth grader Anthony Lewis. Libby Rorick, a sixth grade student, is next in a line of girls trying out the coding tutorials. This year marked Morenci’s second year of participation in the Hour of Code project.
  • Front.gym.new
    REMIE RYAN (left) tries to dodge the foam wand held by Hayden Bays during physical education class at Morenci Elementary School. In the background, Lauryn Dominique and Brooklyn Williams stay clear of the tag. Second grade students were working on cardiovascular health on the first day back from vacation. For the record, Safety Tag is a very difficult sport to photograph.
  • Front.lift
    MORENCI student Dalton McCowan puts everything into a dead lift attempt Saturday morning during the Wyseguy Push/Pull event. Lifters helped raise more than $1,600 for the family of the late Devin Wyse, a former Morenci power-lifter who graduated last year. Commemorative T-shirts are still available by contacting teacher Dan Hoffman.
  • Front.library.books
    MACK DICKSON takes a book off the “blind date” cart at the Fayette library. Patrons can choose a book without knowing what’s inside other than a general category. The books are among those designated for removal so patrons can consider them gifts. In Morenci, new books and staff favorites were chosen from the stacks and must be returned. Patrons get a piece of chocolate, too, to take on their date, but no clue about their “date.” One reader said she really enjoyed her book for a few pages, but then lost interest—so typical for a blind date.

2007.05.16 GREat

Written by David Green.

By JEFF PICKELL

You’ll never know how many words you don’t know until you begin to study for the GRE. The GRE is the Graduate Record Exam and it must be completed before one applies to most graduate schools. It is basically the stupidest test ever and it has been proven not to accurately predict that which it seeks to measure, i.e. the probability of success for a given student in grad school.

Nevertheless, I have paid the $130 registration fee, $40 for the study manual, $5 for the flash cards, and plan to pay a high school student, who has agreed to tutor me for the math portion, a generous sum of pizza and a bowling ball. I also plan to pay many hundreds of dollars for the privilege to apply to several top level creative writing schools.

College is stupid like that. Colleges are supposed to have the smartest people in the world under their employ, but to get into them, you have to pay for and do reasonably well on the stupidest tests ever devised. I’m currently in the process of writing out about 500 vocabulary flash cards to use to study for the verbal portion of the exam, which is comprised of 30 questions and administered over the course of 30 minutes.

Part of the verbal portion consists of analogy questions, which take this form: “Blank is to Blank as Blank is to Blank.” So, for example, you’ll get a question like “Cascade is to Cataclysm as: a) Defeat is to Debacle, b) Chagrin is to Desultory, c) Saccharine is to Turgid, or d) Unctuous is to Ersatz.”

Now, a sensible grad school candidate would know that a cascade is a small stream of water and that a cataclysm is classically defined as a huge %#&@ flood, so it would logically follow that the best analogy in this situation would be to compare a defeat, or a sensible loss, to a debacle, or a huge %#$& blowout.

Sadly, a sensible grad school candidate is a thing of myth, like a unicorn or a Superbowl victory for the Lions. Here was what I thought were the definitions of “Cascade” and “Cataclysm” before I began studying for the GRE:

Cascade: A word pretentious writers use to describe what sun rays do.

Cataclysm:  The Bush Administration.

And here is what I thought “Defeat” and “Debacle” meant:

Defeat: Canadian parlance for “the feet.”

Debacle: The Bush Administration.

Given that, how could I have possibly known exactly what the best analogy was unless I had consulted a dictionary beforehand? I’ve never heard anybody use “cataclysm” to describe a flood. I mean, I had a pretty good idea of what the words meant, but was damned by a lack of specific dictionaryological knowledge. Same thing with words like “sordid,” “torpor,” “perfunctory,” “garrulous,” and “cat.” I know pretty much what they mean, but I couldn’t sit down and write out a word-by-word definition for you.

How the designers of this test think that happening to know the definitions to obscure words indicates how well I’ll do in grad school is beyond me.

Anyway, after taking a few practice quizzes and panicking, I called Melissa Stewart—a professor up at Adrian College—for advice. Melissa is a very smart, caring, and friendly person, or in GRE talk “Melissa is to friends as flypaper is to flies.” When she was studying for the GRE, she threw a giant pizza party and all of her friends got together and helped her write out a thousand flash cards. After a month or so of studying, her verbal scores improved dramatically.

Well, Jeff is to friends as Jeff’s friends are to being slackers who are already eating pizza, so I’m pretty much left to myself as far as the flash card writing is concerned. Which is a good thing for me, because the study strategy I find most effective is to write things down over and over again.

But to memorize all 500 of those cards—man, is that ever daunting. And don’t even get me started on the math section, which to the layman could almost be mistaken for an extended verbal section, what with all the Xs and Ys to the power of Ns they throw around over there. I hate what math has become. It is worse than French.

Luckily, my professors say that to get into a good creative writing grad school, I can pretty much bag math. The challenge is to score high enough on the GRE to demonstrate to admissions officers that I’m not a complete pinhead.

Which, distressingly, is not something I’ve done with this column. Back to the library.

    – May 16, 2007

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