2007.05.31 Spectacular finale

Written by David Green.

By JEFF PICKELL

This week’s column shall recount the vigors my friends and I undertook in celebration of the Memorial Day weekend, among other things.

The First Annual Tri-County Watermelon Eating Contest Invitational was an inspiration and a delight.

The idea for the competition came to me in a vision—a vision of watermelon for sale at a local vendor, to which my valet Jimbo and I had traveled with the interest of purchasing a parcel of noodle salad. On sight of the immense green fruits, turgid in fecundity, I turned to Jimbo and instructed that we shall buy two plump specimens.

“I suspect we’ll stage a race of sorts, Jimbo,” I said. “It is only proper to eat a slice of watermelon or two on a balmy Memorial Day weekend, and that we do it in stiff competition—one that includes physical rigors as well as that rigor we undertake in shoving fruit down our maws.”

By tea time, we had rounded up five competitors—my brother, James; the voluble Tony Centofanti; James Dickey, a lay-about and amateur apothecary; a man we knew only as Chris; and, of course, myself.

The valet Jimbo never much cared for watermelon and volunteered himself as judge.

So it was that at 6 p.m., we competitors lined up on the southern edge of my courtyard, faced with the following challenge—to consume one slice of melon, sprint 20 fathoms, devour another slice, gallop a further 20 fathoms and touch a patio chair: all more quickly than the competition.

I had stacked the game against the only man I suspected a more fleet masticator than myself—my brother. Though he could ingest  hogsheads of food in seconds, he had, until recently, weighed nearly 25 stone. While he has shed at least a third of that weight, I had recently undertaken to augment my own foot speed with circuit exercise and jumping jacks. Certainly, I thought, whatever time I lost in the mouth race would be made up in the foot race.

Scarcely could I have been more incorrect. Immediately after the starting firecracker detonated, I set myself at a substantial disadvantage by lunging into my fruit too brashly, knocking two large pieces onto the lawn. I finished the remainder of the slice with impressive clip, but my grasp was encumbered by the watery slickness on my palms. I had barely fished the first derelict chunk from the grass when James sprinted off with much apace.

Following soon after was Tony, and by the time I bounded to the second station, they were both well into their slices. Both touched the patio chair before I had even swallowed the last mouthful of my second watermelon.

My third place finish was remarkable only in that I rounded out the distinguished trio that touched the chair more than a minute before the final two pitiful competitors. However, all involved remained in good spirits and looked back on the contest with much praise and amicability. It is with such sentiments that I shall recall my time here at the Observer.

Speaking of: if my diction this week seems strangely garrulous, it is because I am practicing for my life’s next endeavor—to attend a graduate academy, where pretentious nincompoopery is the norm and discernible prose is reserved for proletarians.

So, it is with much solemnity that I announce that this shall be the final installment of the Standard Deviant, and that I shall depart Morenci soon.

However, it would be hideous and improper to be on my way without first thanking several inhabitants of Morenci and Environs, among them David Green, Colleen Leddy, Gene Beaverson, Chris Hylander, Joan Rice, Tom Spiess, Dee Potter, Dee Ferguson, Kyle Griffith, Anita Van Zile, Brad Whitehouse, Melissa Stewart, Chief Larry Weeks, Dominique Cox, James Wright, Chuck Ekins, Harriet Clark, Rich Foley, David Hankins, Valerie Salerno, Liz Stella, Sheri Frost, Sue Schaffner, Sally Canfield, the proprietors of the Morenci Pub, and innumerable others.

I thank you all for coming in and out of what have been the two most interesting and, well, quite indescribable years of my life.

Finally, for any who might have wondered how I fared on Saturday’s Graduate Record Examination, I am satisfied to say that I scored in the 93rd percentile on the portion with which I was most concerned. I shall not bore you with further report.

Thank you, and best wishes to all, especially Kim Ekins, whom I, personally, couldn’t imagine forgetting to include in a farewell column.

    – May 31, 2007 
  • Play Practice
    DRAMA—Fayette schools, in conjunction with the Opera House Theater program, will present two plays Friday night at the Fayette Opera House. From the left is Autumn Black, Wyatt Mitchell, Elizabeth Myers, Jonah Perdue, Sam Myers (in the back) and Lauren Dale. Other cast members are Brynn Balmer, Mason Maginn, Ashtyn Dominique, Stephanie Munguia and Sierra Munguia. Jason Stuckey serves as the technician and Trinity Leady is the backstage manager. The plays will be performed during the day Friday for students and for the public at 7 p.m. Friday.
  • Front.F.school
    PROGRESS continues on the agriculture classroom addition at Fayette High School. The project will add 2,900 square feet of space and include an overhead door that would allow equipment to be driven inside. The building should be ready for the start of school in August. Work on ball fields and a running track is also underway.
  • Front.rover
    CLEARING THE WAY—Road crossings in the area on the construction route of the Rover natural gas pipeline are marked with poles and flags as preliminary work nears. Ditches and field entry points are covered with thick planks in many areas to support equipment for tree clearing operations. Actual pipeline construction is progressing across Ohio toward a collecting station near Defiance. That segment of the project is expected to wrap up in July. The 42-inch line through Michigan and into Ontario is scheduled for completion in November. The line is projected to transport 3.25 billion cubic feet of natural gas every day.
  • Front.geese
    ON THE MOVE—Six goslings head out on manuevers with their parents in an area lake. Baby waterfowl are showing up in lakes and ponds throughout the area.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.
  • Face Paint
    FUN NIGHT FUN—Savanna Miles sits patiently while Abbie White works on a face paint design Friday during the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Gracie Snead watches the progress after having spent time in the chair. Abbie was one of several volunteer painters, each creating their own unique look. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.

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