2005.11.30 X marks the cah-cah

Written by David Green.

By JEFF PICKELL

For a while, I considered becoming a teacher because I love marking things wrong. There are few things I enjoy more than marring neat, legible handwriting with a sloppy X, or an even more thoughtless slash.

I relished my time as a teacher’s aide in high school, especially checking the papers of people I didn’t like. I relished the thought that, with each one of those sloppy X’s, I was sending that person one step further down the road to a job centered around the handling of smelly things.

I realized, though, that my zest for marking things wrong could hardly be compared with my feelings toward high schoolers, who rank a dash above middle schoolers, who rank a dash above having a bag of soggy garbage poured on my head on the list of things I can’t tolerate.

Nope, when considering an occupation, I definitely had to take into account my general hatred toward sprightly youths and the like. I also had to take into account my general hatred toward people, objects beginning with the letter M, and the entire emotional spectrum starting at “so-so” and building in happiness to “euphoric.”

Imagine why I was so taken by the ad for this position, which read “WANTED: Youthful, disenfranchised, disillusioned male/female who tends to see the glass half empty. Propensity for spending long, cold nights alone and brooding in the dark preferable. Job includes talking to people, mostly over the phone, long, miserable Mondays, and daily excursions to Ohio. Good writing skills a must. Some copy editing required.”

Copy editing, eh? Why that’s kind of like marking things wrong, isn’t it? And hey, anybody can fake being a good writer. All you have to do is use intelligent sounding words like “regard,” “pursuit” and “rumbustious” and connectors like “if,” “with,” “Smith,” and “hunky dory.” Most importantly, the job would give me plenty of time to hate everything except the things I don’t hate. In that regard, my pursuit of the position was was swift and rumbustious, if, by hunky dory, Smith...uh...with.

In fact, I’m so good at faking being a good writer that the University of Michigan gave me a degree with high distinction and honors in English. Heck, for a while, I even thought something along the lines of, “I’m going to be the best #$%& writer these folks have ever seen.”

Then I moved to Morenci and met Colleen Leddy, the only person in the world who likes marking things wrong more than me. To say there was “some” red ink on my first feature would be an understatement. In fact, as far as I could tell, Colleen must’ve abandoned the red pen altogether, because the only way that much red could’ve gotten onto the paper is if she took into the backyard and riddled it with paint balls.  

Now, to be fair, Colleen doesn’t mark things “wrong” per se; she offers constructive criticisms, as do David and Kim and Rich and everyone else who proofreads. But Colleen is probably the most diligent finder of errors I have ever met, and this means a lot coming from a person who spends most of his time pointing out imperfections in people, places, things and ideas (i.e. myself, Canada, toothpaste and love, respectively).

Her diligence isn’t a bad thing in this business, not when it’s the truth that counts. And I’m telling you kids, right now, that the truth is a hard thing to come by, and that you’ll never know the truth about yourself, especially as a writer, until you’ve been ruthlessly Leddy-fied.

You may think you’re verbose and precise and invincible now, but wait until a mild-mannered librarian mother of three writes “poo poo cah cah” next to one of your wordy sentences. Wait until you re-read it and say aloud, “Wow, that sentence really does stink.”

Wait until you look to the top of your own column and think, “Now who’s handling the smelly things?”

   - Nov. 30, 2005

 

  • Front.bridge Cross
    STEP BY STEP—Wyatt Stevens of Morenci makes his way across a rope bridge Sunday during the Michigan DNR’s Great Outdoors Jamboree at Lake Hudson Recreation Area. The Tecumseh Boy Scout Troop constructed the bridge again this year after taking a break in 2016. The Jamboree offered a variety of activities for a wide range of age groups. Morenci’s Stair District Library set up activities again this year and had visits with dozens of kids. See the back page for additional photos.
  • Front.bridge.17
    LEADING THE WAY—The Morenci Area High School marching band led the way across the pedestrian bridge on Morenci’s south side for the annual Labor Day Bridge Walk. The Band Boosters shared profits from the sale of T-shirts with the walk’s sponsor, the Morenci Area Chamber of Commerce. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.eclipse
    LOOKING UP—More than 200 people showed up at Stair District Library Monday afternoon to view the big celestial event with free glasses provided by a grant from the Space Science Institute. The library offered craft activities from noon to 1 p.m., refreshments including Cosmic Cake from Zingerman’s Bakehouse and a live viewing of the eclipse from NASA on a large screen. As the sky darkened slightly, more and more people moved outside to the sidewalk to take a look at the shrinking sun. If you missed it, hang on for the next total eclipse in 2024 as the path comes even closer to this area.
  • Cecil
    THE MAYOR—Cecil Schoonover poses with a collection of garden gnomes that mysteriously arrive and disappear from his property. Along with the gnomes, someone created the sign stating that he is the Mayor of Gnomesville. He hasn’t yet tracked down the people involved in the prank, but he’s having a good time with the mystery.
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Front.batter

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