2008.08.20 Don't now nuthin' 'bout buying lingerie

Written by David Green.

By COLLEEN LEDDY

I knew, as soon as the car pulled out of the driveway, that I had left the cell phone in the house. But I figured I was with David and the kids were all wherever they were—I didn’t need to worry about anybody.

So, I didn’t yell, “Wait a minute! I forgot something,” as I am wont to do whenever we set out on any journey. This journey was only to Sylvania for dinner and then the mall to buy a present for our future daughter-in-law’s lingerie shower.

It wasn’t until we passed by the Sarnacs’ house on Morenci Road, that it hit me—I need that phone to consult with Rozee or Maddie about what to buy Sarah. I knew we had exceeded the distance beyond which David would be willing to backtrack, so I kept quiet.

After dinner, we headed to the mall, but David couldn’t be budged to come inside and help me with this purchase at Victoria’s Secret.

“What do I know about lingerie?” I asked. “What the heck is lingerie, anyway?”

“Pajamas,” he said.

“C’mon, come with me!” I begged. But he begged off, and settled in with the only book I had brought with me, “The Borrowers.”

I berated myself for forgetting the cell phone—Rozee or Maddie would have talked me through this task, guiding me to the right garments—instead, poor Sarah would be faced with trying to act pleased about whatever I picked out. I rationalized that she could return the purchase, but I didn’t want to burden her with the hassle.

I entered the store through the collegiate clothing section and immediately was drawn to a cottony looking pink striped little dress sort of thing with ruffles. It looked like something Sarah would like.

Then the clerk asked me what I was shopping for today and instead replying with my usual, “Oh, I’m just looking,” I figured I could use any help I could get—obviously, none would be forthcoming from my husband.

I told her I was shopping for my future daughter-in-law’s lingerie shower and she directed me to the next section—the land of “Holey Moley!”

I almost burst out laughing. I could not see myself buying a, a, uh, aw, heck, I don’t know what the heck they are called, but they are full of lace and ribbons and black netty stuff and cover the torso of a woman’s body.

I was just about in the “get me out of here” stage, contemplating sending Maddie to the mall in Ann Arbor to do my bidding, when I discovered a few more rooms of more modest undergarments.

I was fingering one skimpy little thing when a man sidled up to me and burped in my ear. It almost brought the Bronx out of me, but I recognized the burp as that of my husband.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Your book wasn’t any good,” he said.

“What do you think of this for Sarah?” I asked, holding out a skimpy thing that didn’t seem quite like a slip, but I don’t know what else it would be called.

“Yeah, that looks like Sarah,” he said decisively.

That was all the endorsement I needed and we headed for the checkout counter, choosing the faster-looking of two lines. Then something caught my eye and I handed David the garment.

“Here, hold this and stand in line,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

I walked over to look at something else that looked like Sarah and suddenly a man was by my side, whispering in my ear.

The man, of course, was my husband—not standing in line.

“What the heck are you doing?” I asked.

I turned to the line. “Look at that! Two more people are in front of us now! You were supposed to stand there and hold my place in line!”

I couldn’t believe it! Rozee and Maddie would never do something like that!

“Are you in a hurry or something?” he asked, which brought me up short, because, no, I wasn’t in a hurry.

Still, I didn’t want to spend time standing in line at Victoria’s Secret when I could be standing in line at Handel’s ice cream store for a mint chocolate chip Handel Pop, the nearest thing to heaven.

He was right, there was no reason to be ticked off at him, so I let go of his shirt, stopped beating him up over wayward shopping behavior and we made it out of the mall without further incident.

“What the heck did I buy anyway?” I asked David on our way to the car.

“Pajamas,” he said.

When Sarah opens this present and says, “Thank you,” I’m going to use one of Liz Stella’s famous lines, uttered whenever she gives something wonderful such as a loaf of her homemade bread and honey, downplaying her generosity.

“Oh, it’s just a little bit of nuthin’!”

  • Front.nok Hok
    GAMES DAY—Finn Molitierno (right) celebrates a goal during a game of Nok Hockey with his sister, Kyla. The two tried out a variety of games Saturday at Stair District Library’s annual International Games Day event. One of the activities featured a sort of scavenger hunt in which participants had to locate facts presented in the Smithsonian Hometown Teams exhibit. The traveling show left Morenci’s library Tuesday, wrapping up a series of programs that began Oct. 2. Additional photos are on page 7.
  • Station.2
    STRANGE STUFF—Morenci Elementary School students learn that blue isn’t really blue when seen through the right color of lens. Volunteer April Pike presents the lesson to students at one of the many stations brought to the school by the COSI science center. The theme of this year’s visit was the solar system.
  • Front.leaves
    MAPLE leaves show their fall colors in a puddle at Morenci’s Riverside Natural Area. “This was a great year for colors,” said local weather watcher George Isobar. Chilly mornings will give way to seasonable fall temperatures for the next two weeks.
  • Front.band
    MORENCI Marching Band member Brittany Dennis keeps the beat Friday during the half-time show of the Morenci/Pittsford football game. Color guard member Jordan Cordts is at the left. The band performed this season under the direction of Doyle Rodenbeck who served as Morenci’s band director in the 1970s. He’s serving as a substitute during a family leave.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.
  • Front.cowboy
    A PERFORMER named Biligbaatar, a member of the AnDa Union troupe from Inner Mongolia, dances at Stair District Library last week during a visit to the Midwest. The nine-member group blends a variety of traditions from Inner and Outer Mongolia. The music is described as drawing from “all the Mongol tribes that Genghis Khan unified.” The group considers itself music gatherers whose goal is to preserve traditional sounds of Mongolia. Biligbaatar grew up among traditional herders who live in yurts. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.bear
    HOLDEN HUTCHISON gives a hug to a black bear cub—the product of a taxidermist’s skills—at the Michigan DNR’s Great Youth Jamboree. The event on Sunday marked the fourth year of the Jamboree. Additional photos are on page 12.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2016