2003.12.31 You read it first right here

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

For many readers, the Observer is the only source of news. I’ve often heard it said: If it isn’t in the pages of the Observer (or Disturber, as some put it), then it really doesn’t matter.

Knowing that, I feel the responsibility to help you retain the information gleaned from a year of the data presented in this column. Hence, the annual By The Way Review of Drivel.

2003 began with the acknowledgment that 1111 is a divinely inspired number and seeing it should open your mind to great possibilities. It makes me wonder why I’m still awake looking at my clock.

We learn too much from meddlesome scientists. For example, the image of the brave hunting male should be replaced by the reality of an incompetent caveman collecting prehistoric road kill to bring home to the family.

And local scientists discovered that if you clear away the snow and lie face down on the Bean Creek ice, you can see carp swimming below.

As color-coded states of frenzy were introduced into American society, a basic flaw was found in the federal government’s pamphlet for surviving terrorist attacks. Once a family has moved into a room of the house and sealed the doors and windows with duct tape, something beside canned beans needs to be on the menu.

Columbus used ferocious dogs to kill the natives of his “new world,” and later, dogs were used to turn spits of roasting meat.

Our family cat, Little Fat Boy, died again. At major cat shows, it’s said that all the cats are on drugs and half the owners, too.

Interesting headlines from other weeklies: Lady Hose beat Catawba. Beavers get dose of instant karma.

A Gallup poll on ethics shows newspaper reporters in a continual slide downward, in the eyes of the public, but we’re still ahead of insurance agents and gun salesmen.

The Harvey Special—a burp into the cup with the drink poured on top—is not served at local piano recitals.

An unusual fortune cookie message: Lookie, lookie, Steak Cookie; You will be mourning in the morning.

Bad news for beach lovers. The maximum beach exposures probably occurred several thousand years ago at the end of the last Ice Age.

The Pentagon has invested millions in the creation of spy flies and spy lobsters.

When talking about your family, don’t forget the distant cousins known as naked mole rats. Just like them, we’re mostly free of parasites.

As of today, Joe Schriner is still the only presidential candidate to visit the Observer. I’m not complaining.

Want to improve your communication? Stop using soap and maybe your general mood will be transported by your natural pheromones.

Is your marriage in a slide? Save it with romantic fondue. Or at least offer to clean the toilet. As the Scandinavians say, “Necessity makes the devil eat flies.”

Tomatoes were still considered poisonous 200 years ago in England. Today, there’s a tomato seed underground to prevent the takeover of the genetically modified tomato.

The fruit known as the dinosaur egg (PLU sticker #3278) is actually a cross between a plum and a pork chop.

Forty-three percent of Americans believe their pets will go to heaven. It must be crowded with the remaining billions and billions of fleas, ticks, lice and spiders from the animal kingdom.

Open the new Morenci phone book: Who is Jake Bilworth, Megan Boore and Sarah Morenci?

I survived a shark attack in 2003. It happened right in my bedroom.

Want to put the Italian back in your stallion? Take it from Booker Babcock, Gahn Chaaban, Basil Sweet or any of the other spam e-mail writers.

Drop out of the fast food nation and try some real food, such as spotted dick, faggots and peas, rook pie and pig’s cheeks. They’re all good traditional eats from Great Britain.

Old, aging cockroaches perform better when their heads are cut off.

Stop saying that Morenci’s new sidewalks are so wide. They’re actually five shoe lengths skinnier than Manhattan’s at Broadway and 72nd.

The average human is alive for about 650,000 hours. I hope your most recent four minutes was well invested.

    – Dec. 31, 2003 
  • Front.little Ball
    Fayette's Demetrious Whiteside (left)Skylar Lester attempt to keep the ball from going out of bounds during Morenci's recent basketball tournament for fourth and fifth grade teams. Morenci's Andrew Schmidt stands by.
  • Front.tug
    MORENCI pep rallies generally end with a tug of war. The senior class entry, shown above, did not advance to the finals. Griffin Grieder, Alaina Webster, Kyle Long and Jazmin Smith are shown at the front of the rope, giving it their best effort.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Athletic Fields
    SPORTS COMPLEX—Fayette’s outdoor athletic facilities will include three ball fields for summer recreation leagues at the southwest corner of the school. The baseball and softball fields, along with the running track, will be constructed on the east side of the school. Outdoor athletic fields were not part of the new school project from 2007, but voters approved a $1.4 million levy for a school addition and the sports fields last August. Both projects are scheduled to be complete by July 20.
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.F.band
    TROMBONISTS Jake Myers (left) and Max Baker perform Friday at the annual Senior Citizens Luncheon at Fayette High School. The National Honor Society and the FFA chapter teamed up to serve a meal to area seniors and to provide musical entertainment. Both the school band and choir performed. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2017