2003.12.31 You read it first right here

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

For many readers, the Observer is the only source of news. I’ve often heard it said: If it isn’t in the pages of the Observer (or Disturber, as some put it), then it really doesn’t matter.

Knowing that, I feel the responsibility to help you retain the information gleaned from a year of the data presented in this column. Hence, the annual By The Way Review of Drivel.

2003 began with the acknowledgment that 1111 is a divinely inspired number and seeing it should open your mind to great possibilities. It makes me wonder why I’m still awake looking at my clock.

We learn too much from meddlesome scientists. For example, the image of the brave hunting male should be replaced by the reality of an incompetent caveman collecting prehistoric road kill to bring home to the family.

And local scientists discovered that if you clear away the snow and lie face down on the Bean Creek ice, you can see carp swimming below.

As color-coded states of frenzy were introduced into American society, a basic flaw was found in the federal government’s pamphlet for surviving terrorist attacks. Once a family has moved into a room of the house and sealed the doors and windows with duct tape, something beside canned beans needs to be on the menu.

Columbus used ferocious dogs to kill the natives of his “new world,” and later, dogs were used to turn spits of roasting meat.

Our family cat, Little Fat Boy, died again. At major cat shows, it’s said that all the cats are on drugs and half the owners, too.

Interesting headlines from other weeklies: Lady Hose beat Catawba. Beavers get dose of instant karma.

A Gallup poll on ethics shows newspaper reporters in a continual slide downward, in the eyes of the public, but we’re still ahead of insurance agents and gun salesmen.

The Harvey Special—a burp into the cup with the drink poured on top—is not served at local piano recitals.

An unusual fortune cookie message: Lookie, lookie, Steak Cookie; You will be mourning in the morning.

Bad news for beach lovers. The maximum beach exposures probably occurred several thousand years ago at the end of the last Ice Age.

The Pentagon has invested millions in the creation of spy flies and spy lobsters.

When talking about your family, don’t forget the distant cousins known as naked mole rats. Just like them, we’re mostly free of parasites.

As of today, Joe Schriner is still the only presidential candidate to visit the Observer. I’m not complaining.

Want to improve your communication? Stop using soap and maybe your general mood will be transported by your natural pheromones.

Is your marriage in a slide? Save it with romantic fondue. Or at least offer to clean the toilet. As the Scandinavians say, “Necessity makes the devil eat flies.”

Tomatoes were still considered poisonous 200 years ago in England. Today, there’s a tomato seed underground to prevent the takeover of the genetically modified tomato.

The fruit known as the dinosaur egg (PLU sticker #3278) is actually a cross between a plum and a pork chop.

Forty-three percent of Americans believe their pets will go to heaven. It must be crowded with the remaining billions and billions of fleas, ticks, lice and spiders from the animal kingdom.

Open the new Morenci phone book: Who is Jake Bilworth, Megan Boore and Sarah Morenci?

I survived a shark attack in 2003. It happened right in my bedroom.

Want to put the Italian back in your stallion? Take it from Booker Babcock, Gahn Chaaban, Basil Sweet or any of the other spam e-mail writers.

Drop out of the fast food nation and try some real food, such as spotted dick, faggots and peas, rook pie and pig’s cheeks. They’re all good traditional eats from Great Britain.

Old, aging cockroaches perform better when their heads are cut off.

Stop saying that Morenci’s new sidewalks are so wide. They’re actually five shoe lengths skinnier than Manhattan’s at Broadway and 72nd.

The average human is alive for about 650,000 hours. I hope your most recent four minutes was well invested.

    – Dec. 31, 2003 
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.snake
    Lannis Smith of the Leslie Science and Nature Center in Ann Arbor shows off a python last week at Stair District Library's Summer Reading Program.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Pipeline Spread
    LINED UP—Lengths of pipe were put in place last week along the route of the Rover natural gas pipeline that will stretch from Defiance, Ohio, to Ontario, Canada. Topsoil was removed before the pipes were laid out. The 42-inch diameter pipeline is scheduled for completion in November.
  • Front.rock Study
    ROCKHOUNDS—From the left, Joseph McCullough, Sean Pagett and Jonathan McCullough peer through hand lenses to study rocks. The project is part of Morenci Elementary School’s summer camp that continues into August.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2017