2007.01.04 Goodbye '06

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

I’ve been not working pretty hard this long weekend. I’ve covered a basketball game, I’ve written a few stories, I’ve worried about returning to work and creating a newspaper, but I’ve also messed around more than I would in a typical weekend.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you this year-end quiz, along with all the answers. In 2007, I resolve to do this no more than once a month.

• Watch it broil

Q: Thieves are stealing oven doors, repackaging them in Wal-Mart boxes and selling them on the street—with power cord and remote—as what?      A: Flat screen TVs.

• What’s with Merle?

Q:  Who sang this song in 2006?

“Let’s get out of Iraq, and get back on the track.”

A: Merle Haggard, who rhymes Iraq with track. I read his song like Iraq and trock.

• Spry seniors

Q:  How many pounds does former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, 69, claim to lift with a leg press? How about 76-year-old evangelist Pat Robertson?   A: 400 pounds. 2,000 pounds.

• Of course, it’s Willy

Q:  Louisiana police found a pound and a half of marijuana on Willie Nelson’s tour bus, but that wasn’t all they found. What else? 

A: Three ounces of psychedelic mushrooms.

• They’re taking over

Q:  The average American home has how many humans and how many TVs?  A: 2.55 humans, 2.73 TVs.

• New menus coming

Q:  The world is on schedule to run out of seafood due to pollution and overfishing by what year?    A: 2048.

• $2 extra for general

Q:  Want to join the Iraqi army? How much will a full commando outfit set you back on the streets of Baghdad?

A: The equivalent of $24.

• Such realism

Q:  Students from a Ft. Lauderdale high school criminology class found the usual plastic skeletons, etc., in a fake crime scene created in a park. What else did they stumble across?

A: The dead body of a homeless man.

• Not quite the real thing

Q:  What is a Flat Daddy?

A: Cardboard cutout photos of soldiers serving in Iraq, distributed to family members through the Maine National Guard.

• Naughty ballot

Q:  What was the typo in the Ottawa (Mich.) County ballot that led to reprinting at a cost of $40,000?

A: In a proposed state constitution amendment, the word “pubic” was used instead of “public.”

• Coming full circle

Q:  How did talk show voice Bill O’Reilly propose to succeed in Iraq?

A: Shoot anyone on sight after dark. “That’s how I’d run that country. Just like Saddam ran it.”

• Who’s he?

Q:  Which album did Rolling Stone magazine pick as the best of 2006?   A: Bob Dylan’s “Modern Times.”

•The best, the worst

Q:  What did the magazine choose as the best and worst movies of the year?  A: “The Departed” and “Bobby.”

• When does the party begin?

Q: . How much money was set aside in the 2006 defense bill for a day-long celebration of  success in Iraq and Afghanistan?

A: $20 million.

• Outsource my life

Q:  Approximately how many American and Briton citizens now work in the information technology industry in India?   A: 30,000.

• Yeah, but he’s Ivy League

Q: How many minutes did it take a Princeton researcher to hack into a Diebold voting machine?    A: One minute.

• Can’t fence me out

Q: What’s the estimated number of “illegal immigrants” living in the U.S. who have simply overstayed a legal visa?  A: 45 percent.

• Excuses, excuses

Q: What do these bad boys all have in common – Mel Gibson, Rep. Mark Foley, Brandon Davis, Ohio’s own Rep. Bob Ney and Danny DeVito?

A: They all blamed booze for clouding their good sense and allowing them to partake in embarrassing behavior.

I think I know what they’re saying. I went through too much quality chocolate last weekend and started acting a little foolish myself.

    - Jan. 4, 2007 

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2014