2012.06.20 Sham+poo=oddities

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

My brother Dan once took pity upon my busy soul and offered to write a By the Way column for me. I think it came during some particularly busy times, but it never made it into print.

Here’s what he wrote, and I’ll explain later why it wasn’t printed.

From Dan Green:

<I hate buying shampoo, and not just because the word is constructed of “sham” and “poo.” When you think about it, however, that’s about the worst word combination possible. I hate shopping for the stuff because all I really want is a big cheap generic bucket of hair soap. But no one sells that.

Instead there are a million weird bottles with ingredients like fruits, vegetables and herbal “essences,” whatever that really means. I don’t want fruit salad on my head. I don’t want formulations that allegedly make my hairs bounce, shine or vibrate.

Check the ingredients and they all seem to have sodium lauryl sulphate (“A molecule with a tail of 12 carbon atoms,” says Wikipedia) as the primary cleansing agent. I suspect the rest is just window dressing.

Time before last when I had to make this purchase, I found “Mane ’n Tail” shampoo, which was good for both people and horses. I’m not kidding. I bought it immediately. They don’t waste a lot of herbs and fruits on horses. “Add a liberal amount of Mane ’n Tail to a bucket of water...” it says on the label. It worked fine.

My most recent purchase was based on the large quantity in the bottle so I could avoid buying it again for a long time. It’s called “Aussie” and it has an image of a kangaroo on the label.

Though it wasn’t advertised for animal use, the idea of holding down a ’roo and washing its pelt is more entertaining than shampooing a horse.

This authentic Aussie hair soap comes from Ohio, but is imported from Canada. The actual relationship to Australia is a bit of a stretch, except that both Canada and Australia give allegiance to the Queen. Which brings up the subject of the Queen’s hair. OK. Enough said about that.>

There you have it, the end of Dan’s column. He sent 1,691 characters of type out of a typical 4,000 character length. He closed with “enough said about that,” but in reality it was less than half of enough said. That’s why I never used his column.

I thought about it recently when I noticed a new bottle of sham-and-poo in our shower. I thought I had seen all the oddities with brands that our kids bought over the years, but how foolish to think that. There always has to be something new in order to make a consumer choose your brand.

This is Garnier Fructis shampoo and the bottle proclaims in bold type “PURE CLEAN.” Even though the shampoo has no color, it comes in a translucent green bottle and contains acerola berries. I’m reading an article about the rise and fall of acai fruit; now it must be acerola’s turn to shine.

The main ingredient is water, and, as required by any reputable shampoo company, water is listed in three languages. We have an empty bottle of a Matrix brand that lists the instructions for use in three languages. Appliquer sur les cheveux mouillés, faire mousser et rincer. It’s always the same, but in case you’re a recent arrival to planet Earth: Apply to wet hair, lather and rinse.

Aside from its greenness, the big sell with Fructis Pure Clean is weightlessness. Use of this shampoo leaves no weigh down on your hair. This might be the result of Garnier’s “advanced fruit science,” but I think people suffering from weigh down omitted step three: rinse. Garnier even takes it a step further and instructs users to rinse thoroughly.

Nature’s Gate brand takes fruit science much further and even adds the vegetables. If you’re wondering why my hair looks so lovely, it’s undoubtedly because of the jojoba, borage, barley, pansy, radish root and equisetum arvense. If you’re wondering why my hair looks so weird, same thing.

Equisetum. We used to pick this stuff when walking the path along Bean Creek. You’re going to love this one, Dan. Equisetum is commonly known as horsetail. I’m sure it’s fit for a queen.

  • Play Practice
    DRAMA—Fayette schools, in conjunction with the Opera House Theater program, will present two plays Friday night at the Fayette Opera House. From the left is Autumn Black, Wyatt Mitchell, Elizabeth Myers, Jonah Perdue, Sam Myers (in the back) and Lauren Dale. Other cast members are Brynn Balmer, Mason Maginn, Ashtyn Dominique, Stephanie Munguia and Sierra Munguia. Jason Stuckey serves as the technician and Trinity Leady is the backstage manager. The plays will be performed during the day Friday for students and for the public at 7 p.m. Friday.
  • Front.F.school
    PROGRESS continues on the agriculture classroom addition at Fayette High School. The project will add 2,900 square feet of space and include an overhead door that would allow equipment to be driven inside. The building should be ready for the start of school in August. Work on ball fields and a running track is also underway.
  • Front.rover
    CLEARING THE WAY—Road crossings in the area on the construction route of the Rover natural gas pipeline are marked with poles and flags as preliminary work nears. Ditches and field entry points are covered with thick planks in many areas to support equipment for tree clearing operations. Actual pipeline construction is progressing across Ohio toward a collecting station near Defiance. That segment of the project is expected to wrap up in July. The 42-inch line through Michigan and into Ontario is scheduled for completion in November. The line is projected to transport 3.25 billion cubic feet of natural gas every day.
  • Front.geese
    ON THE MOVE—Six goslings head out on manuevers with their parents in an area lake. Baby waterfowl are showing up in lakes and ponds throughout the area.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.
  • Face Paint
    FUN NIGHT FUN—Savanna Miles sits patiently while Abbie White works on a face paint design Friday during the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Gracie Snead watches the progress after having spent time in the chair. Abbie was one of several volunteer painters, each creating their own unique look. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.

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