2012.04.04 It's a science joke, get it?

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

A couple bacteria walk into a bar and order a drink. 

“We don’t serve bacteria here,” the bartender says.

“But we work here,” says one of the bacteria. “We’re staff.”

That’s the problem with a lot of science jokes. They need an explanation for the non-science-minded person. “We’re staph” as in a staph infection.

A neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve neutrinos here.”

The neutrino says, “Hey, I was just passing through.”

I was just driving over to the elementary school Friday afternoon and “Science Friday” was on the radio. It was their second annual April First joke show in which they attempt to demonstrate that science can be funny. They even had a science comedian, Brian Malow, on the show.

Malow spouted off a series of bad jokes supposedly told by Albert Einstein, such as, “I had a dream that I made love to Rita Hayworth for an hour. Well, for her it was an hour. For me, 35 seconds. That’s relativity.”

Schrödinger and Heisenberg are out for a drive and they run over a cat. Schrödinger asks, “Is it dead?” and Heisenberg says, “Get this, I can’t be certain.”

Malow does have a problem. He needs a special audience to appreciate his material. Sometimes, he will tell a joke and the audience is silent except for one person who is laughing his head off. Actually, Malow said, he kind of likes it that way sometimes.

Did you hear the one about the phlebotomist who wrote a romance novel? It’s about two corpuscles who loved in vain.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the participate.

Pure geek: If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your jeans [get it, your genes].

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None; the light bulb has to want to change.

What was the greatest biological experiment of all time? It’s when Luther Burbank crossed the Rocky Mountains with his wife. [As in cross breeding].

Steve Mirsky was also on the show. He writes a humorous column for Scientific American and once wrote a column about the funniest joke in the world. A study determined that it was the one about Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson camping.

Holmes asked Watson to look up at the stars and tell him what he can deduce. Watson begins talking about the infinite universe and our tiny lives on this small planet, etc. 

“No, you idiot,” Holmes says. “It means someone stole our tent.”

One atom says to the other atom, “Hey, I just lost an electron!”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive!”

How do you tell a chemist from everybody else? He’s the guy who has to wash his hands before he goes to the bathroom.

So much of TV science is so watered down, it’s almost homeopathic.

A student pushes a full grocery cart to the express checkout lane in Cambridge, Mass., and the clerk just stands there. “What’s the matter?” asks the student.

The clerk points to the sign about the 12-item limit and says, “I’m trying to decide if you’re Harvard and can’t count or M.I.T. and can’t read.”

By the way, only in Cambridge does the sign read, “Twelve items or fewer.”

How do tell the difference between a wet brunette and a wet blonde? One smells like H2O, the other smells like H2O2.

I went to a magnet school for bipolar students.

Why isn’t base 12 funny? Because 9, 10, 11. Hmmm, no one on the show even understood that one.

It was decided on the show that scientists get a bad rap. Of course they can be funny, but with a different sense of humor, perhaps.

Here’s my favorite science joke. I heard it probably 30 years ago and I still think it’s an excellent one.

It was the final exam in an ornithology class [study of birds] and the professor surprised his students by asking them to identify the footprints of 50 birds.

One poor student wasn’t prepared for that at all and finally wadded up the test, walked to the front of the class and tossed it on the professor’s desk.

As he walked away, the professor said, “Hey, what’s your name?”

The student lifted up one of his feet, pointed at it and said, “You tell me.”

Well, it’s great to be here, and as they say in the world of jokes, it’s great to be anywhere.

  • Front.splash
    Water Fun—Carter Seitz and Colson Walter take a fast trip along a plastic sliding strip while water from a sprinkler provides the lubrication. The boys took a break from tie-dyeing last week at Morenci’s Summer Recreation Program to cool off in the water.
  • Front.starting
    BIKE-A-THON—Children in Morenci’s Summer Recreation Program brought their bikes last Tuesday to participate in a bike-a-thon. Riders await the start of the event at the elementary school before being led on a course through town by organizer Leonie Leahy.
  • Front.pokemon
    LATEST CRAZE—David Cortes (left) and Ty Kruse, along with Jerred Heselschwerdt (standing), consult their smartphones while engaging in the game of Pokémon Go. The virtual scavenger hunt comes to life when players are in the vicinity of gyms, such as Stair District Library, and PokéStops such as the fire station across the street. The boys had spent time Monday morning searching for Pokémon at Wakefield Park.
  • Front.drum
    on your mark, get set, drum!—Drew Joughin (black shirt), Maddox Joughin and Kaleea Braun took the front row last week when Angela Rettle and assistants led the Stair District Library Summer Reading Program kids in a session of cardio drumming. The sports and healthy living theme continued yesterday with a Mini Jamboree at Lake Hudson State Park arranged by the Michigan Department of Natural Resources. Next week’s program features the Flying Aces Frisbee show.
  • Girls.on.ride
    NADIYA YORK and Aniston Valentine take a spin on the Casino, one of the rides offered at Wakefield Park during Morenci’s Town and Country Festival. This year’s festival remained dry but with plenty of heat during the three-day run. Additional photographs are inside this week’s Observer.
  • Front.softball
    Angela Davis (2) and teammate Allison VanBrandt break into a jig after Morenci's softball team won its third consecutive regional title.
  • Front.art.park
    ART PARK—A design created by Poggemeyer Design Group shows a “pocket art park” in the green space south of the State Line Observer building. The proposal includes a 12-foot sculpture based on a design created by Morenci sixth grade student Klara Wesley through a school and library collaboration. A wooden band shell is located at the back of the lot. The Observer wall would be covered with a synthetic stucco material. City council members are considering ways to fund the estimated $125,000 project and perhaps tackling construction one step at a time.
  • Front.train
    WRECKAGE—Morenci Fire Department member Taylor Schisler walks past the smoking wreckage of a semi-truck tractor on the north side of the Norfolk and Southern Railroad tracks on Ranger Highway. The truck trailer was on the south side of the tracks
  • Funcolor
    LEONIE LEAHY was one of three local hair stylists who volunteered time Friday at the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Her customer, Aubrey Sandusky, looks up at her mother while her hair takes on a perfect match to her outfit. Leahy said she had a great time at the event—nothing but happy clients.
  • KayseInField
    IN THE FIELD—2004 Morenci graduate Kayse Onweller works in a test plot of wheat in Texas. She’s part of Bayer CropScience’s North American wheat breeding program based in Nebraska, where she completed post-graduate work in plant breeding and genetics.

Weekly newspaper serving SE Michigan and NW Ohio - State Line Observer ©2006-2016