2012.03.21 Young, modern and very embarrassed

Written by David Green.

A little entertainment from March 1992

By David Green

I’m still seven years away from having a teenage mutant daughter, but it’s never too early to begin preparing for this strange adventure. I have a couple copies of y&m magazine (Young & Modern) that should get me on track.

I vaguely remember reading my sister’s Seventeen magazine back in the 1960s. Today there are still pages and pages of ads for makeup, still lots of suggestions for attracting boys, and even some advice about staying out of a hotel room on your prom night.

Pimples are still a big problem, and all the greasy fast food has actually complicated the matter despite so many advances in modern medicine. “From A to Zit: how to get awesome skin” addressed the problems of super-sore hair zits, rashy razor zits, gross back, neck and chest zits, and even information about buttocular zits. For that last problem, the author says not to sit around in a wet bathing suit.

As a reader of the magazine, I’m invited to vote for the Young & Modern Man of the Year. About 10,000 entry photos were mailed in (including five nudes) and 20 candidates were selected as finalists.

There’s a guy from Florida who wants to become either an actor, a model or a pet store owner. There’s a professional surfer from California who was nominated by his sister, and why not? If he wins, they split the $10,000 prize money.

I’m favoring the guy who wants to become a professional roller skater (he’s from New York City, he’s a Capricorn and he’s crazy about snowboarding.) But then there’s that guy with the two earrings. So hard to decide.

It’s time to get a magnifying glass and study the photos carefully for unawesome skin. Nostril zits, for example, don’t belong on my kind of young and modern guy.

Advice: Should you play hard to get? Maybe. It’s really not a bad idea—as long as you don’t get caught up in some sicko manipulative head trip.

Kissing: “There’s nothing worse than kissing a jellyfish.” Something I’ve never tried. The kissing article addresses the major elements such as lips, teeth, tongue and saliva.

What’s slutty? Fishnet stockings with heels and fake nails.

What’s sexy? Black pantyhose and red nail polish.

What’s embarrassing? Getting your finger stuck in your guy’s earring.

Your first date with a guy is coming to an end and you know you don’t want to go out with this guy again. What do you do?

a. Say thanks and shake his hand.

b. Jump out before he has a chance to put the car in park.

c. Give him a kiss on the cheek and murmur, “I had a great time,” because it’s not nice to have boys lusting after you.

Did you choose response c? Then you’re in the flirting danger zone. It’s like jumping on a guy’s lap when he invites you to share his chair. It’s like grabbing the sexy Italian exchange student and whispering your name in his ear.

My favorite part of the magazine has to be the “Say Anything” feature in which young moderns tell about their worst embarrassments such as the burritos, the loud release of intestinal gas and the overflowing toilet—all during dinner at the boyfriend’s house with his parents present.

Or the ball of phlegm which flew from the girlfriend’s mouth to the boyfriend’s father’s wine glass during dinner. That last story received only a three-star rating on the embarrassment scale while the first one hit the top with four stars.

The Nightmare of the Month happened at an expensive Italian restaurant. Boyfriend made a joke while girlfriend was eating. Girlfriend laughed so hard a spaghetti noodle came out her nose. Girlfriend pulled the noodle out and went into the bathroom where she suffered near fatal embarrassment.

That’s no Nightmare of the Month. That should be classified as a very special evening to be cherished forever.

  • Front.nok Hok
    GAMES DAY—Finn Molitierno (right) celebrates a goal during a game of Nok Hockey with his sister, Kyla. The two tried out a variety of games Saturday at Stair District Library’s annual International Games Day event. One of the activities featured a sort of scavenger hunt in which participants had to locate facts presented in the Smithsonian Hometown Teams exhibit. The traveling show left Morenci’s library Tuesday, wrapping up a series of programs that began Oct. 2. Additional photos are on page 7.
  • Station.2
    STRANGE STUFF—Morenci Elementary School students learn that blue isn’t really blue when seen through the right color of lens. Volunteer April Pike presents the lesson to students at one of the many stations brought to the school by the COSI science center. The theme of this year’s visit was the solar system.
  • Front.leaves
    MAPLE leaves show their fall colors in a puddle at Morenci’s Riverside Natural Area. “This was a great year for colors,” said local weather watcher George Isobar. Chilly mornings will give way to seasonable fall temperatures for the next two weeks.
  • Front.band
    MORENCI Marching Band member Brittany Dennis keeps the beat Friday during the half-time show of the Morenci/Pittsford football game. Color guard member Jordan Cordts is at the left. The band performed this season under the direction of Doyle Rodenbeck who served as Morenci’s band director in the 1970s. He’s serving as a substitute during a family leave.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.
  • Front.cowboy
    A PERFORMER named Biligbaatar, a member of the AnDa Union troupe from Inner Mongolia, dances at Stair District Library last week during a visit to the Midwest. The nine-member group blends a variety of traditions from Inner and Outer Mongolia. The music is described as drawing from “all the Mongol tribes that Genghis Khan unified.” The group considers itself music gatherers whose goal is to preserve traditional sounds of Mongolia. Biligbaatar grew up among traditional herders who live in yurts. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.bear
    HOLDEN HUTCHISON gives a hug to a black bear cub—the product of a taxidermist’s skills—at the Michigan DNR’s Great Youth Jamboree. The event on Sunday marked the fourth year of the Jamboree. Additional photos are on page 12.

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