2012.03.21 Young, modern and very embarrassed

Written by David Green.

A little entertainment from March 1992

By David Green

I’m still seven years away from having a teenage mutant daughter, but it’s never too early to begin preparing for this strange adventure. I have a couple copies of y&m magazine (Young & Modern) that should get me on track.

I vaguely remember reading my sister’s Seventeen magazine back in the 1960s. Today there are still pages and pages of ads for makeup, still lots of suggestions for attracting boys, and even some advice about staying out of a hotel room on your prom night.

Pimples are still a big problem, and all the greasy fast food has actually complicated the matter despite so many advances in modern medicine. “From A to Zit: how to get awesome skin” addressed the problems of super-sore hair zits, rashy razor zits, gross back, neck and chest zits, and even information about buttocular zits. For that last problem, the author says not to sit around in a wet bathing suit.

As a reader of the magazine, I’m invited to vote for the Young & Modern Man of the Year. About 10,000 entry photos were mailed in (including five nudes) and 20 candidates were selected as finalists.

There’s a guy from Florida who wants to become either an actor, a model or a pet store owner. There’s a professional surfer from California who was nominated by his sister, and why not? If he wins, they split the $10,000 prize money.

I’m favoring the guy who wants to become a professional roller skater (he’s from New York City, he’s a Capricorn and he’s crazy about snowboarding.) But then there’s that guy with the two earrings. So hard to decide.

It’s time to get a magnifying glass and study the photos carefully for unawesome skin. Nostril zits, for example, don’t belong on my kind of young and modern guy.

Advice: Should you play hard to get? Maybe. It’s really not a bad idea—as long as you don’t get caught up in some sicko manipulative head trip.

Kissing: “There’s nothing worse than kissing a jellyfish.” Something I’ve never tried. The kissing article addresses the major elements such as lips, teeth, tongue and saliva.

What’s slutty? Fishnet stockings with heels and fake nails.

What’s sexy? Black pantyhose and red nail polish.

What’s embarrassing? Getting your finger stuck in your guy’s earring.

Your first date with a guy is coming to an end and you know you don’t want to go out with this guy again. What do you do?

a. Say thanks and shake his hand.

b. Jump out before he has a chance to put the car in park.

c. Give him a kiss on the cheek and murmur, “I had a great time,” because it’s not nice to have boys lusting after you.

Did you choose response c? Then you’re in the flirting danger zone. It’s like jumping on a guy’s lap when he invites you to share his chair. It’s like grabbing the sexy Italian exchange student and whispering your name in his ear.

My favorite part of the magazine has to be the “Say Anything” feature in which young moderns tell about their worst embarrassments such as the burritos, the loud release of intestinal gas and the overflowing toilet—all during dinner at the boyfriend’s house with his parents present.

Or the ball of phlegm which flew from the girlfriend’s mouth to the boyfriend’s father’s wine glass during dinner. That last story received only a three-star rating on the embarrassment scale while the first one hit the top with four stars.

The Nightmare of the Month happened at an expensive Italian restaurant. Boyfriend made a joke while girlfriend was eating. Girlfriend laughed so hard a spaghetti noodle came out her nose. Girlfriend pulled the noodle out and went into the bathroom where she suffered near fatal embarrassment.

That’s no Nightmare of the Month. That should be classified as a very special evening to be cherished forever.

  • Front.geese
    ON THE MOVE—Six goslings head out on manuevers with their parents in an area lake. Baby waterfowl are showing up in lakes and ponds throughout the area.
  • Front.little Ball
    Fayette's Demetrious Whiteside (left)Skylar Lester attempt to keep the ball from going out of bounds during Morenci's recent basketball tournament for fourth and fifth grade teams. Morenci's Andrew Schmidt stands by.
  • Front.tug
    MORENCI pep rallies generally end with a tug of war. The senior class entry, shown above, did not advance to the finals. Griffin Grieder, Alaina Webster, Kyle Long and Jazmin Smith are shown at the front of the rope, giving it their best effort.
  • Accident
    FAYETTE resident Patricia Stambaugh, 64, was declared dead on the scene of a single-vehicle accident Friday morning south of Morenci. Rescue units were called around 9 a.m., but as of Tuesday, law enforcement officers had not yet determined the time of the accident. According to Ohio State Highway Patrol, Stambaugh was driving west on U.S. 20 when her Chevrolet Malibu traveled off the north side of the road and down a steep embankment, coming to rest in Bean Creek (Tiffin River).
  • Athletic Fields
    SPORTS COMPLEX—Fayette’s outdoor athletic facilities will include three ball fields for summer recreation leagues at the southwest corner of the school. The baseball and softball fields, along with the running track, will be constructed on the east side of the school. Outdoor athletic fields were not part of the new school project from 2007, but voters approved a $1.4 million levy for a school addition and the sports fields last August. Both projects are scheduled to be complete by July 20.
  • Front.teacher Leading
    PRESCHOOL MUSIC—Fayette band director Jeffrey Dunford spends the last half hour of the day leading the full-day preschool class in musical activities. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.F.band
    TROMBONISTS Jake Myers (left) and Max Baker perform Friday at the annual Senior Citizens Luncheon at Fayette High School. The National Honor Society and the FFA chapter teamed up to serve a meal to area seniors and to provide musical entertainment. Both the school band and choir performed. Additional photos are on page 7 of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.

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