2010.09.15 Saving the rind for me

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

In the old days, I used to receive a lot of junk mail at the Disturber office. It’s quite thin these days. Who can afford all those postage stamps to send unsolicited, destined-for-the-recycling-center letters? With e-mail it’s practically free. The junk mail I receive now, electronically, far exceeds what Mark the Mailman ever had to deliver.

I shouldn’t use the phrase “junk mail.” It’s considered an important message by the sender. For example: “I am Mrs. Paula Hamilton. I was married to Late Dr. Edward Hamilton who was based in Malaysia. My Husband  died on February 2nd 2007 after a brief illness. I have decided to entrust my entire estate to a honest individual who will utilize this money in the manner at which the funds are meant for.”

A letter I received from Frank Ahearn is surely important from his standpoint. He invited me to interview him about his book, “How to Disappear.” I should take him up on his offfer, but I’d rather just poke around his website, write a little about it, and then eat breakfast.

If I actually wrote a story, I could join the list of media on his website, although I’m a little dubious. When I visit the websites of these publications, searches generally don’t produce a story about Frank Ahearn, but maybe he’s made them disappear. That’s his business.

Suppose you owe someone a lot of money or you want to get out of a messy divorce or you’re running away from a crime. Frank just might be the man to see. For somewhere between $15,000 and $50,000, he’ll help you disappear.

Here’s how his e-mail message reads: “If you are looking for an interesting interview please do not hesitate to contact me or perhaps you could pass on to an associate who may have an interest.”

I hope Frank had a good editor when he wrote his book. I’ll just pass on.

On the website, he gives this advice for hiding assets. [Note to staff and readers: I’m just cutting and pasting. Don’t look for errors]: “If you married and looking to get divorced and you do not want your spouse to know your stashing money away for the big move, my suggestion is buy gift cards from local stores.”

The gift cards will be placed in the Main Drop Box, which is different than the Burn Box and also different from the Safe Box and the Bluff Box.

Frank: “When its time to hit the road, you give very specific instructions to the Mail Drop place. You have your London mail packed in one package let’s say an overnight package. You have your Montreal package sent regular mail and all go to the BLUFF BOX.

Simultaneously you will have mail sent to your Main Drop addressed from your Bluff Box. Perhaps realtor information, applications from the phone and hydro companies, just things that appear you are going to move to a particular area.

From the Bluff box, have them ship your London return package to the BURN BOX, from the Burn box ship to your SAFE BOX. Then cancel your Burn Box.”

It obviously takes some effort to disappear. It’s all part of a massive disinformation campaign that Frank will guide you through.

I suppose it might cost more than $15,000 to make me disappear. I think I’ve left behind a lot of careless trails. I don’t even rip up all the junk mail I receive—something practiced by another member of my household.

Frank is probably going to discover this column a few minutes after it’s posted on the Observer website. That’s when I’ll hear from him about making fun of his writing skills.

I’m actually more concerned about my wife disappearing with Frank’s help, so I want to get this into print. I’ve written before about really old food in the refrigerator and my suspicion that she may be trying to poison me.

Last Friday—my packed-lunch day at work—I was enjoying some leftovers when I bit into something odd that didn’t belong there. Colleen knew exactly what it was: an old cheese rind that she said might not be edible. So what was it doing in my container of leftovers? She said she put it in for flavoring—a disinformation word for poisoning if ever there was one.

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