2010.09.15 Saving the rind for me

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

In the old days, I used to receive a lot of junk mail at the Disturber office. It’s quite thin these days. Who can afford all those postage stamps to send unsolicited, destined-for-the-recycling-center letters? With e-mail it’s practically free. The junk mail I receive now, electronically, far exceeds what Mark the Mailman ever had to deliver.

I shouldn’t use the phrase “junk mail.” It’s considered an important message by the sender. For example: “I am Mrs. Paula Hamilton. I was married to Late Dr. Edward Hamilton who was based in Malaysia. My Husband  died on February 2nd 2007 after a brief illness. I have decided to entrust my entire estate to a honest individual who will utilize this money in the manner at which the funds are meant for.”

A letter I received from Frank Ahearn is surely important from his standpoint. He invited me to interview him about his book, “How to Disappear.” I should take him up on his offfer, but I’d rather just poke around his website, write a little about it, and then eat breakfast.

If I actually wrote a story, I could join the list of media on his website, although I’m a little dubious. When I visit the websites of these publications, searches generally don’t produce a story about Frank Ahearn, but maybe he’s made them disappear. That’s his business.

Suppose you owe someone a lot of money or you want to get out of a messy divorce or you’re running away from a crime. Frank just might be the man to see. For somewhere between $15,000 and $50,000, he’ll help you disappear.

Here’s how his e-mail message reads: “If you are looking for an interesting interview please do not hesitate to contact me or perhaps you could pass on to an associate who may have an interest.”

I hope Frank had a good editor when he wrote his book. I’ll just pass on.

On the website, he gives this advice for hiding assets. [Note to staff and readers: I’m just cutting and pasting. Don’t look for errors]: “If you married and looking to get divorced and you do not want your spouse to know your stashing money away for the big move, my suggestion is buy gift cards from local stores.”

The gift cards will be placed in the Main Drop Box, which is different than the Burn Box and also different from the Safe Box and the Bluff Box.

Frank: “When its time to hit the road, you give very specific instructions to the Mail Drop place. You have your London mail packed in one package let’s say an overnight package. You have your Montreal package sent regular mail and all go to the BLUFF BOX.

Simultaneously you will have mail sent to your Main Drop addressed from your Bluff Box. Perhaps realtor information, applications from the phone and hydro companies, just things that appear you are going to move to a particular area.

From the Bluff box, have them ship your London return package to the BURN BOX, from the Burn box ship to your SAFE BOX. Then cancel your Burn Box.”

It obviously takes some effort to disappear. It’s all part of a massive disinformation campaign that Frank will guide you through.

I suppose it might cost more than $15,000 to make me disappear. I think I’ve left behind a lot of careless trails. I don’t even rip up all the junk mail I receive—something practiced by another member of my household.

Frank is probably going to discover this column a few minutes after it’s posted on the Observer website. That’s when I’ll hear from him about making fun of his writing skills.

I’m actually more concerned about my wife disappearing with Frank’s help, so I want to get this into print. I’ve written before about really old food in the refrigerator and my suspicion that she may be trying to poison me.

Last Friday—my packed-lunch day at work—I was enjoying some leftovers when I bit into something odd that didn’t belong there. Colleen knew exactly what it was: an old cheese rind that she said might not be edible. So what was it doing in my container of leftovers? She said she put it in for flavoring—a disinformation word for poisoning if ever there was one.

  • Front.bridge Cross
    STEP BY STEP—Wyatt Stevens of Morenci makes his way across a rope bridge Sunday during the Michigan DNR’s Great Outdoors Jamboree at Lake Hudson Recreation Area. The Tecumseh Boy Scout Troop constructed the bridge again this year after taking a break in 2016. The Jamboree offered a variety of activities for a wide range of age groups. Morenci’s Stair District Library set up activities again this year and had visits with dozens of kids. See the back page for additional photos.
  • Front.bridge.17
    LEADING THE WAY—The Morenci Area High School marching band led the way across the pedestrian bridge on Morenci’s south side for the annual Labor Day Bridge Walk. The Band Boosters shared profits from the sale of T-shirts with the walk’s sponsor, the Morenci Area Chamber of Commerce. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.eclipse
    LOOKING UP—More than 200 people showed up at Stair District Library Monday afternoon to view the big celestial event with free glasses provided by a grant from the Space Science Institute. The library offered craft activities from noon to 1 p.m., refreshments including Cosmic Cake from Zingerman’s Bakehouse and a live viewing of the eclipse from NASA on a large screen. As the sky darkened slightly, more and more people moved outside to the sidewalk to take a look at the shrinking sun. If you missed it, hang on for the next total eclipse in 2024 as the path comes even closer to this area.
  • Cecil
    THE MAYOR—Cecil Schoonover poses with a collection of garden gnomes that mysteriously arrive and disappear from his property. Along with the gnomes, someone created the sign stating that he is the Mayor of Gnomesville. He hasn’t yet tracked down the people involved in the prank, but he’s having a good time with the mystery.
  • Front.rest
    TAKE A BREAK—Last Wednesday’s session of Stair District Library’s Summer Reading Program ended with a quiet period in a class presented by yoga instructor Melany Gladieux of Toledo. Children learned a variety of yoga poses in the main room at the library, then finished off the session relaxing. Additional photos are on page 7. Area children are invited to visit the library today when the Michigan Science Center presents a flight program at 11 a.m. and roller coasters at 1 p.m.
  • Front.batter
    THE DERBY—Tyler “Smallpox” Flakne of Minnesota’s Home Run League All-Stars goes for the fence Friday night during the National Wiffle League Association’s home run derby in Morenci. This year the wiffleball national tournament moved from Dublin, Ohio, to Morenci’s Wakefield Park. During the derby, competitors had two minutes to hit as many home runs as possible. The winner this year finished with 21. See page 6 and 7 for additional photos.
  • Front.green Screen
    OUT OF THIS WORLD—Elizabeth McFadden and Elise Christle pose in front of the green screen as VolunTeen Noah Gilson makes them appear as though they are standing on the Moon. More photos from the Stair District Library’s NASA @ My Library program are on page 12.
  • Front.fireworks
    FIREWORKS erupt Saturday night over Morenci’s Wakefield Park during the waning hours of the Town and Country Festival. Additional festival photos are inside.
  • Front.batter

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