2009.11.11 Dear Ms. Leddy

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

My wife would probably be the smartest person in town if I forwarded all her e-mail to her. Instead I choose the Delete button.

“Dear Ms. Leddy,

Water is such an integral part of our lives, many of us don’t give it a second thought. But what if it suddenly was not accessible? How would you cope?”

This letter came from Marcia, a  publicist at Smith Publicity, and offered a free copy of a novel about water shortage on a fictitious island. She describes it as “a funny slice of life story, involving greed, the occult, cultural differences and the importance of preserving archeological artifacts.”

Sounds funny enough. I’m not sure how Ms. Leddy’s name got out there to the publicists as the person from the Observer who’s interested in all things new and questionable, but it’s OK by me. 

“Dear Ms. Leddy,

The United States Department of Justice reports that almost 70% of convicted criminals will re-offend within three years of being released from prison. Of the 30% who don’t commit another crime, how many become successful CEOs? There’s no statistic for that, but it’s fairly safe to say…not too many.”

This time it’s Kate from Smith Publicity and she also has an exciting book for us. The author of this compelling memoir says “Whether a person wants one or not, they are going to have a journey.”

Good point.

Another day it was Ellen at Smith and her letter started off this way:

“Dear Ms. Leddy,

If your stove is used for shoe storage and the theory of relativity is easier to understand than your vaccum, you are suffering from a common but crippling disability–you are domestically challenged.”

Let me quickly point out, Ellen: It’s spelled “vacuum.” This press release is for a cookbook 30 years in the making.

An agency in Texas offers this gem: “Imagine voluntarily drinking Cobra Venom, dying, then coming back to life.  The first question obviously is—why? and the second question—what did he see while he was dead?”

Those are good questions, but I won’t be asking them. Kimberly’s closing statement—“I look forward to hearing from you”—went unanswered.

Now it’s Lynn at Smith:

“Dear Ms. Leddy,

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, ‘That which does not kill us makes us stronger.’”

Lynn again: 

“Dear Ms. Leddy,

Do you remember your first love letter?”

This book is about the lies men tell. Everything you need to know about men they tell you during your first three conversations. I wonder if Ms. Leddy recalls our first three conversations.

Here’s a friendly note from a Colorado company:

“Hi Colleen,

I hope this email finds you well! I just wanted to let you know about a great company called Go Belly Go that I thought you might be interested in.”

“Dear Colleen,

Little monkeys jumping on the bed isn't just a nursery rhyme for parents with older babies who have discovered their ability to bounce and climb their way out of their cribs.”

“Dear Ms. Leddy,

How does your child respond to you?

A. Yeah, whatever; B. The eye-roll; C. Silence,” etc.

This was from Lynn at Smith once again, suggesting that we write a story about National Talk to Your Child Month. One month a year, talk to your children.

“Dear Ms. Leddy,

Is religion being put on the back burner?”

“Dear Ms. Leddy,

Many remember the theme song to the hit TV show The Jeffersons: ‘We're movin’ on up, to the east side. To a deluxe apartment in the sky.’”

Now what could Erin from Smith be up to this time? She wants my wife to take a look at a book about buying a new home.

“Hi Colleen,

A newborn will go through eight to twelve diapers a day for the first few months of life. That equals from 300 to 400 diapers a month.”

That one is for FuzziBunz diapers.

“Colleen,

Many new parents have been excited to put their baby in the bathtub for the first time only to be disappointed by the shivering and screaming they encounter.

Would you be interested in trying out this new tub called the Spa Baby?”

I think I’ll forward this one on to Ms. Leddy. I really would like to try out the Spa Baby. If I don’t like it, I can use it to wash out my FuzziBunz.


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