2006.02.15 Grow an arm, turn green

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

Some people think the human body is far short of showing intelligent design. It’s truly an amazing set of organs, but maybe it wasn’t all that well thought out.

As Stephan Peters puts it, “The human body is crammed full of messy plumbing, circuitry, scaffolding, dodgy components and building materials, and is riddled with workarounds to compensate for poor initial design."

Peters was one of many entries in the Human Design contest sponsored by the British magazine New Scientist. Readers were asked how they would modify the body if they were not restricted in any way.

Life events, career and age led to many similar suggestions. New parents wanted extra arms, of course, although some contestants went into greater detail: the ability to grow and resorb limbs on demand.

There was some obvious pouch envy from new parents, as well, as they eyed the marsupial way of life.

Teachers want eyes in the back of their heads and students want light-emitting eyebrows to read under the covers while in bed on a school night.

Chameleon skin would take the worry and expense out of clothing, or how about green skin? If humans could survive on chlorophyll and photosynthetic skin, we would all look a lot more alike and racism would take a dive.

Besides that, becoming carbon-neutral would remove the need to eat anything, ever.

Entries from older readers called for an all-day bladder, joints with lubrication points, regenerating teeth, two-way elbows that would make back-scratching easier, and earlids that could blank out the noise made by those annoying brats that came out of the pouch.

Several readers  wanted some sort of “Pinocchio gene” that would make a lie obvious. For example, a lie could launch an asthma attack.

Now for the winning entries, chosen not just for wit but also for originality.

• Instead of producing fat, modify the body so it produces oil. Just tap it off every so often like extracting sap from a maple tree, says a contestant from Hexham, Northumberland, UK.

The writer points out this will solve obesity problems while simultaneously addressing the energy crisis. The more the merrier; you’re merely contributing to the greater good of humanity.

• A man in Chalfont St. Giles, Buckinghamshire, wants to glue monkeys to his hands and feet, and then glue geckos to their hands and feet. Then he could climb anything.

• A new father in Neutral Bay, Australia, wants a small gauge on the forehead of his four-month-old daughter. It would have a simple scale reading from “empty” to “full.”

“I cannot tell you what a difference that would make in our lives,” he wrote.

• An entry from Menstrie, Clackmannanshire, suggests that pain usually outlasts its welcome. It’s still there long after you’ve figured out that something is wrong.

This guy wants a shut-off button that would tell your body, “Yes, I know I shouldn’t have picked up that soldering iron by the wrong end, but it’s too late now, so please stop bugging me for a while.”

• A book collector in Canterbury, Kent, wants to be able to hold a book in an interested sort of fashion and have the contents downloaded into his brain—with search and delete functions, of course.

“My shelves are full of books just waiting,” he writes.

• Computer functions suggest a lot of adaptations for the human body. I’ve found myself doing a keyboard “save” function when I wasn’t even at the computer, not that it really works. I forget the next day.

But how about this restart button, perhaps on the ear lobe, to pull yourself out of a state of confusion.

“Depressing the button momentarily would result in a ‘warm restart’—taking me back to my mental state of five minutes previously,” says a contestant from Shepperton, Middlesex. “Holding in the button for two seconds would produce a ‘cold restart’—to be used only in the event I am found swinging from a chandelier or become convinced I am Napoleon.”

And think of the fun you’d have grabbing someone’s earlobe over and over.

“Hey, don’t touch that...where am I? What are you doing? Hey, don’t touch that...What happened?

– February 15, 2006
  • Front.pokemon
    LATEST CRAZE—David Cortes (left) and Ty Kruse, along with Jerred Heselschwerdt (standing), consult their smartphones while engaging in the game of Pokémon Go. The virtual scavenger hunt comes to life when players are in the vicinity of gyms, such as Stair District Library, and PokéStops such as the fire station across the street. The boys had spent time Monday morning searching for Pokémon at Wakefield Park.
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    on your mark, get set, drum!—Drew Joughin (black shirt), Maddox Joughin and Kaleea Braun took the front row last week when Angela Rettle and assistants led the Stair District Library Summer Reading Program kids in a session of cardio drumming. The sports and healthy living theme continued yesterday with a Mini Jamboree at Lake Hudson State Park arranged by the Michigan Department of Natural Resources. Next week’s program features the Flying Aces Frisbee show.
  • Girls.on.ride
    NADIYA YORK and Aniston Valentine take a spin on the Casino, one of the rides offered at Wakefield Park during Morenci’s Town and Country Festival. This year’s festival remained dry but with plenty of heat during the three-day run. Additional photographs are inside this week’s Observer.
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    Angela Davis (2) and teammate Allison VanBrandt break into a jig after Morenci's softball team won its third consecutive regional title.
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    ART PARK—A design created by Poggemeyer Design Group shows a “pocket art park” in the green space south of the State Line Observer building. The proposal includes a 12-foot sculpture based on a design created by Morenci sixth grade student Klara Wesley through a school and library collaboration. A wooden band shell is located at the back of the lot. The Observer wall would be covered with a synthetic stucco material. City council members are considering ways to fund the estimated $125,000 project and perhaps tackling construction one step at a time.
  • Front.train
    WRECKAGE—Morenci Fire Department member Taylor Schisler walks past the smoking wreckage of a semi-truck tractor on the north side of the Norfolk and Southern Railroad tracks on Ranger Highway. The truck trailer was on the south side of the tracks
  • Funcolor
    LEONIE LEAHY was one of three local hair stylists who volunteered time Friday at the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Her customer, Aubrey Sandusky, looks up at her mother while her hair takes on a perfect match to her outfit. Leahy said she had a great time at the event—nothing but happy clients.
  • KayseInField
    IN THE FIELD—2004 Morenci graduate Kayse Onweller works in a test plot of wheat in Texas. She’s part of Bayer CropScience’s North American wheat breeding program based in Nebraska, where she completed post-graduate work in plant breeding and genetics.
  • Front.soccer.balls
    BEVY OF BALLS—Stair District Library Summer Reading Program VolunTeens, including Libby Rorick, back left and Ty Kruse, back right, threw a dozen inflatable soccer balls into the crowd during a reading of “Sergio Saves the Game.” The sports-themed program continues on Wednesdays through July 27.
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  • Shadow.salon

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