2007.10.03 Warning: Dirty laundry ahead

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

I’m sure you feel sorry for the presidential candidates as they have their lives ripped open before us. We’re learning all the private details.

Barack Obama gets morning breath. Elizabeth Edwards felt a rib pop when receiving a big hug from her husband.

Rudolph Giuliani’s third wife described her husband as a really high testosterone guy. Mr. Obama also leaves dirty socks around the bedroom.

Maybe it started 30 years ago when Jimmy Carter told an interviewer that he has lusted in his heart for women other than his wife.

“Lusted in his heart.” I haven’t thought about that line for a long time. I have felt a longing in my liver, a licentiousness in my loins, a lewdness in my lymph nodes.

Thirty years ago, I wrote in this space that I had no intentions of running for public office this year, but I would keep my options open for the future.

With that in mind, I delved into my own past to bring to the forefront my transgressions before they were discovered by the press once my campaign was well underway.

I described the act of contrition as one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done, but noted that it was better to read it here in the Observer than in some scandal sheet such as the Archbold Buckeye.

Here’s the list of my depravity.

August, 1955: Assault. My baby brother Dan bit me. I bit him back on his diapered derriere and consequently lost my first tooth.

February, 1958: Snow balls. I was paddled for throwing a single snowball during noon recess at Morenci Elementary School. The whole mess could have been avoided had I simply kept my mouth shut. Attitude toward authority figures has suffered ever since.

July, 1960: Attempted larceny. Bobby Ackland and I were checking for loose bottles in the pop dispenser at Meech’s Pharmacy. We figured if there were a loose one, it was ours. We weren’t regular beverage buyers at Meech’s and little did we know that all the bottles were intentionally loose. I pulled on an RC Cola, it was suddenly in my hand. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I started walking to the door.…

March, 1965: Plagiarism. The lengthy report I wrote for general science class about continental drift contained large portions of text taken word for word from another source.

July-August, 1975: Failure to pay. I was bicycling across the Canadian Maritimes with a college buddy, John Robertson, and we very seldom paid for a camping site. The night in the burned-out house was one thing, but all those nights where we chose parks without camping or made our own site in the woods inside a campground...it was cheap living.

Sept.-May, 1975-76: Garbage picking. While working in a rural hippie school in Maine, I supplemented my dollar a day wage by eating the children’s leftover lunches. There were some great sandwiches those kids left behind.

June, 1978: Bum life. For one month I lived in a bum hotel in downtown Portland, Ore., among the more well-to-do down-and-outers who could still afford cheap housing. I was courteous, but I didn’t make any new friends.

July, 1979: Illegal camping: I slept with some friends on a Lake Michigan beach where camping was not allowed. We received citations and had to avoid any additional National Park infractions for five years.

August, 1979: Illegal swimming. I climbed the fence and swam at night in the MSU pool.

July, 1980: Antler Dance. I was caught in Morenci’s Oak Grove Cemetery after dark by off-duty police officer Frank Cordts. I was with a college friend named David Rafferty and we were performing the Antler Dance under a streetlight just inside the main entrance. Officer Cordts probably suspected alcohol or drugs as he quickly applied the brakes. No illegal substances, no arrest. Just a couple of goof-balls.

April 1, 1987: Newspaper myth. An April Fools day. I can’t speak further of this incident. I’ll just let the National Inquirer dig this one up.

  • Front.train
    WRECKAGE—Morenci Fire Department member Taylor Schisler walks past the smoking wreckage of a semi-truck tractor on the north side of the Norfolk and Southern Railroad tracks on Ranger Highway. The truck trailer was on the south side of the tracks
  • Front.sculpta
    SCULPTORS—Morenci third grade students Emersyn Thompson (left) and Marissa Lawrence turn spaghetti sticks into mini sculptures Friday during a class visit to Stair District Library. All Morenci Elementary School classes recently visited the library to experience the creative construction toys purchased through the “Sculptamania!” project, funded by a Disney Curiosity Creates grant. The grant is administered by the Association for Library Services to Children, a division of the American Library Association.
  • Funcolor
    LEONIE LEAHY was one of three local hair stylists who volunteered time Friday at the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Her customer, Aubrey Sandusky, looks up at her mother while her hair takes on a perfect match to her outfit. Leahy said she had a great time at the event—nothing but happy clients.
  • Shadow.salon
    LEARNING THE ROPES—Kristy Castillo (left), co-owner of Mane Street Salon, works with Kendal Kuhn as Sierra Orner takes a phone call. The two Morenci Area High School juniors spent Friday at the salon as part of a job shadowing experience.
  • KayseInField
    IN THE FIELD—2004 Morenci graduate Kayse Onweller works in a test plot of wheat in Texas. She’s part of Bayer CropScience’s North American wheat breeding program based in Nebraska, where she completed post-graduate work in plant breeding and genetics.
  • Front.winner
    REFEREE Camden Miller raises the hand of Morenci Jr. Dawgs wrestler Ryder Ryan as his opponent leaves the mat in disappointment. Morenci’s youth wrestling program served as host for a tournament Saturday morning to raise money for the club. Additional photos are on the back page.
  • Front.bank.2
    SHERWOOD STATE Bank opened its Fayette office at a grand opening Friday morning, drawing a large crowd to view the renovated building. Above, Burt Blue talks to teller Cindy Funk, while his wife, Jackie, looks around the new office. The Blues missed the opening and took a quick tour on Tuesday. Few traces remain of the former grocery store and theater, however, part of the original brick wall still shows in the hallway leading to the back of the building. The drive-through window should be ready for customers later in the month.
  • Front.make.three
    FROM THE LEFT, Landon Wilkins, Ryan White and Logan Blaker try out their artistic skills Saturday afternoon at the Morenci PTO’s first Date to Create event. More than 50 people showed up to create decorated planks of wood to hang from rope. The event served as a fund-raiser for miscellaneous PTO projects. Additional photos are on the back of this week’s Observer.

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