2007.10.03 Warning: Dirty laundry ahead

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

I’m sure you feel sorry for the presidential candidates as they have their lives ripped open before us. We’re learning all the private details.

Barack Obama gets morning breath. Elizabeth Edwards felt a rib pop when receiving a big hug from her husband.

Rudolph Giuliani’s third wife described her husband as a really high testosterone guy. Mr. Obama also leaves dirty socks around the bedroom.

Maybe it started 30 years ago when Jimmy Carter told an interviewer that he has lusted in his heart for women other than his wife.

“Lusted in his heart.” I haven’t thought about that line for a long time. I have felt a longing in my liver, a licentiousness in my loins, a lewdness in my lymph nodes.

Thirty years ago, I wrote in this space that I had no intentions of running for public office this year, but I would keep my options open for the future.

With that in mind, I delved into my own past to bring to the forefront my transgressions before they were discovered by the press once my campaign was well underway.

I described the act of contrition as one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done, but noted that it was better to read it here in the Observer than in some scandal sheet such as the Archbold Buckeye.

Here’s the list of my depravity.

August, 1955: Assault. My baby brother Dan bit me. I bit him back on his diapered derriere and consequently lost my first tooth.

February, 1958: Snow balls. I was paddled for throwing a single snowball during noon recess at Morenci Elementary School. The whole mess could have been avoided had I simply kept my mouth shut. Attitude toward authority figures has suffered ever since.

July, 1960: Attempted larceny. Bobby Ackland and I were checking for loose bottles in the pop dispenser at Meech’s Pharmacy. We figured if there were a loose one, it was ours. We weren’t regular beverage buyers at Meech’s and little did we know that all the bottles were intentionally loose. I pulled on an RC Cola, it was suddenly in my hand. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I started walking to the door.…

March, 1965: Plagiarism. The lengthy report I wrote for general science class about continental drift contained large portions of text taken word for word from another source.

July-August, 1975: Failure to pay. I was bicycling across the Canadian Maritimes with a college buddy, John Robertson, and we very seldom paid for a camping site. The night in the burned-out house was one thing, but all those nights where we chose parks without camping or made our own site in the woods inside a campground...it was cheap living.

Sept.-May, 1975-76: Garbage picking. While working in a rural hippie school in Maine, I supplemented my dollar a day wage by eating the children’s leftover lunches. There were some great sandwiches those kids left behind.

June, 1978: Bum life. For one month I lived in a bum hotel in downtown Portland, Ore., among the more well-to-do down-and-outers who could still afford cheap housing. I was courteous, but I didn’t make any new friends.

July, 1979: Illegal camping: I slept with some friends on a Lake Michigan beach where camping was not allowed. We received citations and had to avoid any additional National Park infractions for five years.

August, 1979: Illegal swimming. I climbed the fence and swam at night in the MSU pool.

July, 1980: Antler Dance. I was caught in Morenci’s Oak Grove Cemetery after dark by off-duty police officer Frank Cordts. I was with a college friend named David Rafferty and we were performing the Antler Dance under a streetlight just inside the main entrance. Officer Cordts probably suspected alcohol or drugs as he quickly applied the brakes. No illegal substances, no arrest. Just a couple of goof-balls.

April 1, 1987: Newspaper myth. An April Fools day. I can’t speak further of this incident. I’ll just let the National Inquirer dig this one up.

  • Front.nok Hok
    GAMES DAY—Finn Molitierno (right) celebrates a goal during a game of Nok Hockey with his sister, Kyla. The two tried out a variety of games Saturday at Stair District Library’s annual International Games Day event. One of the activities featured a sort of scavenger hunt in which participants had to locate facts presented in the Smithsonian Hometown Teams exhibit. The traveling show left Morenci’s library Tuesday, wrapping up a series of programs that began Oct. 2. Additional photos are on page 7.
  • Station.2
    STRANGE STUFF—Morenci Elementary School students learn that blue isn’t really blue when seen through the right color of lens. Volunteer April Pike presents the lesson to students at one of the many stations brought to the school by the COSI science center. The theme of this year’s visit was the solar system.
  • Front.leaves
    MAPLE leaves show their fall colors in a puddle at Morenci’s Riverside Natural Area. “This was a great year for colors,” said local weather watcher George Isobar. Chilly mornings will give way to seasonable fall temperatures for the next two weeks.
  • Front.band
    MORENCI Marching Band member Brittany Dennis keeps the beat Friday during the half-time show of the Morenci/Pittsford football game. Color guard member Jordan Cordts is at the left. The band performed this season under the direction of Doyle Rodenbeck who served as Morenci’s band director in the 1970s. He’s serving as a substitute during a family leave.
  • Front.poles
    MOVING EAST—Utility workers continue their slow progress east along U.S. 20 south of Morenci. New electrical poles are put in place before wiring is moved into place.
  • Front.cowboy
    A PERFORMER named Biligbaatar, a member of the AnDa Union troupe from Inner Mongolia, dances at Stair District Library last week during a visit to the Midwest. The nine-member group blends a variety of traditions from Inner and Outer Mongolia. The music is described as drawing from “all the Mongol tribes that Genghis Khan unified.” The group considers itself music gatherers whose goal is to preserve traditional sounds of Mongolia. Biligbaatar grew up among traditional herders who live in yurts. Additional photos are on the back page of this week’s Observer.
  • Front.bear
    HOLDEN HUTCHISON gives a hug to a black bear cub—the product of a taxidermist’s skills—at the Michigan DNR’s Great Youth Jamboree. The event on Sunday marked the fourth year of the Jamboree. Additional photos are on page 12.

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