2007.10.03 Warning: Dirty laundry ahead

Written by David Green.

By DAVID GREEN

I’m sure you feel sorry for the presidential candidates as they have their lives ripped open before us. We’re learning all the private details.

Barack Obama gets morning breath. Elizabeth Edwards felt a rib pop when receiving a big hug from her husband.

Rudolph Giuliani’s third wife described her husband as a really high testosterone guy. Mr. Obama also leaves dirty socks around the bedroom.

Maybe it started 30 years ago when Jimmy Carter told an interviewer that he has lusted in his heart for women other than his wife.

“Lusted in his heart.” I haven’t thought about that line for a long time. I have felt a longing in my liver, a licentiousness in my loins, a lewdness in my lymph nodes.

Thirty years ago, I wrote in this space that I had no intentions of running for public office this year, but I would keep my options open for the future.

With that in mind, I delved into my own past to bring to the forefront my transgressions before they were discovered by the press once my campaign was well underway.

I described the act of contrition as one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done, but noted that it was better to read it here in the Observer than in some scandal sheet such as the Archbold Buckeye.

Here’s the list of my depravity.

August, 1955: Assault. My baby brother Dan bit me. I bit him back on his diapered derriere and consequently lost my first tooth.

February, 1958: Snow balls. I was paddled for throwing a single snowball during noon recess at Morenci Elementary School. The whole mess could have been avoided had I simply kept my mouth shut. Attitude toward authority figures has suffered ever since.

July, 1960: Attempted larceny. Bobby Ackland and I were checking for loose bottles in the pop dispenser at Meech’s Pharmacy. We figured if there were a loose one, it was ours. We weren’t regular beverage buyers at Meech’s and little did we know that all the bottles were intentionally loose. I pulled on an RC Cola, it was suddenly in my hand. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I started walking to the door.…

March, 1965: Plagiarism. The lengthy report I wrote for general science class about continental drift contained large portions of text taken word for word from another source.

July-August, 1975: Failure to pay. I was bicycling across the Canadian Maritimes with a college buddy, John Robertson, and we very seldom paid for a camping site. The night in the burned-out house was one thing, but all those nights where we chose parks without camping or made our own site in the woods inside a campground...it was cheap living.

Sept.-May, 1975-76: Garbage picking. While working in a rural hippie school in Maine, I supplemented my dollar a day wage by eating the children’s leftover lunches. There were some great sandwiches those kids left behind.

June, 1978: Bum life. For one month I lived in a bum hotel in downtown Portland, Ore., among the more well-to-do down-and-outers who could still afford cheap housing. I was courteous, but I didn’t make any new friends.

July, 1979: Illegal camping: I slept with some friends on a Lake Michigan beach where camping was not allowed. We received citations and had to avoid any additional National Park infractions for five years.

August, 1979: Illegal swimming. I climbed the fence and swam at night in the MSU pool.

July, 1980: Antler Dance. I was caught in Morenci’s Oak Grove Cemetery after dark by off-duty police officer Frank Cordts. I was with a college friend named David Rafferty and we were performing the Antler Dance under a streetlight just inside the main entrance. Officer Cordts probably suspected alcohol or drugs as he quickly applied the brakes. No illegal substances, no arrest. Just a couple of goof-balls.

April 1, 1987: Newspaper myth. An April Fools day. I can’t speak further of this incident. I’ll just let the National Inquirer dig this one up.

  • Front.splash
    Water Fun—Carter Seitz and Colson Walter take a fast trip along a plastic sliding strip while water from a sprinkler provides the lubrication. The boys took a break from tie-dyeing last week at Morenci’s Summer Recreation Program to cool off in the water.
  • Front.starting
    BIKE-A-THON—Children in Morenci’s Summer Recreation Program brought their bikes last Tuesday to participate in a bike-a-thon. Riders await the start of the event at the elementary school before being led on a course through town by organizer Leonie Leahy.
  • Front.pokemon
    LATEST CRAZE—David Cortes (left) and Ty Kruse, along with Jerred Heselschwerdt (standing), consult their smartphones while engaging in the game of Pokémon Go. The virtual scavenger hunt comes to life when players are in the vicinity of gyms, such as Stair District Library, and PokéStops such as the fire station across the street. The boys had spent time Monday morning searching for Pokémon at Wakefield Park.
  • Front.drum
    on your mark, get set, drum!—Drew Joughin (black shirt), Maddox Joughin and Kaleea Braun took the front row last week when Angela Rettle and assistants led the Stair District Library Summer Reading Program kids in a session of cardio drumming. The sports and healthy living theme continued yesterday with a Mini Jamboree at Lake Hudson State Park arranged by the Michigan Department of Natural Resources. Next week’s program features the Flying Aces Frisbee show.
  • Girls.on.ride
    NADIYA YORK and Aniston Valentine take a spin on the Casino, one of the rides offered at Wakefield Park during Morenci’s Town and Country Festival. This year’s festival remained dry but with plenty of heat during the three-day run. Additional photographs are inside this week’s Observer.
  • Front.softball
    Angela Davis (2) and teammate Allison VanBrandt break into a jig after Morenci's softball team won its third consecutive regional title.
  • Front.art.park
    ART PARK—A design created by Poggemeyer Design Group shows a “pocket art park” in the green space south of the State Line Observer building. The proposal includes a 12-foot sculpture based on a design created by Morenci sixth grade student Klara Wesley through a school and library collaboration. A wooden band shell is located at the back of the lot. The Observer wall would be covered with a synthetic stucco material. City council members are considering ways to fund the estimated $125,000 project and perhaps tackling construction one step at a time.
  • Front.train
    WRECKAGE—Morenci Fire Department member Taylor Schisler walks past the smoking wreckage of a semi-truck tractor on the north side of the Norfolk and Southern Railroad tracks on Ranger Highway. The truck trailer was on the south side of the tracks
  • Funcolor
    LEONIE LEAHY was one of three local hair stylists who volunteered time Friday at the Morenci PTO Fun Night. Her customer, Aubrey Sandusky, looks up at her mother while her hair takes on a perfect match to her outfit. Leahy said she had a great time at the event—nothing but happy clients.
  • KayseInField
    IN THE FIELD—2004 Morenci graduate Kayse Onweller works in a test plot of wheat in Texas. She’s part of Bayer CropScience’s North American wheat breeding program based in Nebraska, where she completed post-graduate work in plant breeding and genetics.

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